wow

I haven't been to this blog in like... ages. 9 months? Something like that.

I shall have to revive it!!

cheer up emo kid

I was talking to a friend tonight and she said, "C'mon you're not stupid, what do you want? The first thing that pops into your head..." In reference to life in general.

And it occurred to me that all I want - apart from the normal blah blah happy, healthy kids blah blah expected stuff blah blah - all I personally want, for me, is to matter.

Seems simple.

Must be the Leo in me, the ego. Want to matter+don't=depression. Nice logical 1+1=2 type of thing.

I cbf explaining it in words either. Meh. I don't have a job in which I would be missed, my kids all have other people in their lives who could parent them better than me (I should really update my will now that I think about it lol), I'm not contributing anything to society, to the community, I'm really just a house slave with no life lol... baby Alana still needs me I guess. WTB a point to existing, other than as a baby food supply of course. :P

Oh well. Atm I think my point should be to sleep lol.

I'm actually looking forward to the doctor this week for a change. I'm not gonna let them scare me with their "zomg the risks" bullshit anymore, fuck it, everyone has to die of something ffs. So long as I dont end up vegetative or w/e I really don't care. Plus.. *insert grin here*... I'm gonna beg for new pills lol, something a little less meh and a little more woot-happy-pills'y.

And Disso, stress not. I'm fine, just thinking out loud. Plus I seriously do need some sleep - just rambling shit as per usual. :S

Tired.

Ooohh 'cept I just a good blog idea, sigh. I should write it down cos I'll forget by tomorrow. Pen, paper? Somewhere? Sigh.

*Edit* Fuck it, you know what else I want? I want to smile and laugh and actually mean it. Instead of all this woest me emo bullshit, so not me. I remember "me" and this isn't it. Argh, life sux. Whats that phrase that means live for the happy moments and cope with the rest? That lol, insert that phrase here. If I keep pretending will my real feelings just catch up lol? Isn't that what they taught us in psych? Cos, fk, it doesn't seem to work. Meh, whatever.

pennis penos sex bum

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go go gadget arm... *changes tv channel*

I moved my pc to the living room last night, just to try it out... I'm in the middle of converting the computer room to a bedroom for the eldest of the too many kids lol. She needs her space and privacy I think, but thats a whole 'nother story.

So I moved my pc to the living room. Means I'll be able to supervise the toddler better, toilet training will be easier (tiles down here, carpet upstairs, eek!), and... it means I can watch tv. Wow, I haven't watched any real tv for a long time. If there's a series I want to watch, I wait til I can get it on dvd and watch it all at once lol. I mainly just watch a bit of Austar here and there, like Kenny vs Spenny... I miss fabc Kenny and pathetic whiney Spenny lol. Argh, off track again.

On to the point of this blog... here's a list of all the things I've learned from the idiot box in the last, oh, roughly 12 hours.

If it wasn't for the television I wouldn't know that...

• I need to buy batteries. Argh at the cricket that was on tv last night at the exact moment that 1. the remote wouldnt work and 2. I was feeding the baby and therefore stuck in my chair for like half an hour. Omg... cricket... *blinks*.
  
• Whoopie Goldberg can sing, really sing. When did that happen? Bring me a higher love. Me too Whoopie. Ditto on that.
  
• Its impossible to listen to music while surfing the net AND having the tv on at the same time. Sigh. There goes that habit I guess.
• Sandra Sully still bugs me. I think she's the real reason I stopped watching the news. Sure I could change the channel, but heck. Its an association thing.
  
• I should listen to my kids more. It turns out that the chair at the computer desk in the living room - the chair at the kids computer desk - the chair they've been complaining about - the chair they've been asking me to buy a cushion for - really truly is uncomfortable on the ass. I've had this lower back/butt ache all day lol. Oops. WTB massage.
• I need a new tattoo. MTV ftw. I want a heart tattoo next. Just a little cartoon style one, somewhere. Now I know the what, I just gotta work out the where lol. Hmm. Ideas?
  
• I also need to buy a new headset. New headphones, mic... cos if Noah is watching Doodlebops or the Wiggles... noooooo. I'm putting "new headset" on the must-have bread and milk list.
• It's mothers day this weekend. Oh. Yay. Not. All my mothers day memories are freakin horrendous. Mother's Day is never really about family time, its always fake bullshit, fake presents, fake breakfast in bed, just fake fake fake. I'm not stupid enough to fall for the "pretend mum/my wife matters cos thats what's expected." MEH at that. I'm sick of freakin fake. I want authenticity. I want to feel real again.... OMG stupid mothers day ads. Don't get me started on this pathetic crap again, argh.

And on that not so positive note I gtg do parent stuff lol. Oh the irony.

A change of pace... a cutesy happy blog... where the fk did all these kids come from? I swear I only had one yesterday... sigh.

I woke up this morning to discover that my 9yr old son had written a poem dedicated to his almost-2yr-old brother. Cute, nice and all that positive stuff. If I was less heartless bitch and more human, his level of devotion to his little brother might have brought a tear to my eye.

My brother sings and sings,
He sings on the stage.
My brother might even make a book,
Noah hasn’t checked the front page.
Noah is so cute,
He’s growing big out of small.
He’s the cutest baby ill ever have,
Soon he’ll be so very tall.
My brother eats lots of food, such as toast,
I say, sometimes he looks like a camel when he cries.
He eats a lot of food,
He might even eat blue berry pies.
My brother likes a lot of toys,
His favourite toy is Thomas the tank.
He calls Thomas, Toot-Toot,
He loves to ride Thomas to the bank.
Noah is a little toddler,
He’s happy and sometimes sad.
Noah has 4$ in his bank,
He only has 4$ but he’ll never be mad.
Noah has grown a lot,
He plays baseball with one of the smallest bats.
His favourite colour is black,
Noah’s favourite animal would have to be a cat.

By ZJK

Mostly its pure imagination lol.

Son #2 doesn't eat much food at all, doesn't own a baseball bat, doesn't know his colours, prefers dogs to cats and, lets face it, isn't as cute as his baby sister. (Yes, can admit she's my favourite for several reasons, mainly because she can't move yet or answer back. She just sits where you put her and smiles more often than not. Perfect!)

And I guess at some point I'll have to tell son #1 that son #2 actually has something like $500 in the bank... that he is in fact richer than the rest of us... but maybe not today lol.

The main difference between sons #1 and 2 is that #1 has always been the soft, sensitive, poetry-writing, pansy-type boy. He has his boy moments but he still sleeps with his favourite soft toys and still cries at the drop of a hat. He used to love dressing up as spiderman one day, and a fairy the next (hmm... moving on...). Son #2 on the other hand... speaking of batshit crazy... he's a bit more full-on and boys'y. Give him a soft toy and he's likely to peg it at you. He's more of a truck or "tuck" type of boy, a I-can-climb-anything type of boy. A boys'y boy.

Teenage girl hormones aside, daughters #1 and #2 seem quite similar so far, in as much as you can compare a 12 year old girl and a 6mth old baby lol. Girl #1 surfs, skateboards, plays drums, guitar and saxophone... she's "cool"... but she's also one of the smartest kids in her class, a school captain this year, a goody-two-shoes (thats the bit she doesn't get from me lol). Girl #2... well... atm she's learning to sit without face planting and eat food without gagging and throwing up. That's it really. Um... I can't remember where the similarities were now lol. Oh well.

You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna give them the day off school. Cos I like them today. And they've been at their dads for 10 days ish - I just picked them up yesterday. Yeah, fuck it. I don't feel like driving 30mins to school or making school lunches. Let the kids spend some time together, yep, good idea. Family time.

I swear the whole they-can-help-with-the-packing-and-cleaning-out business has nothing to do with my decision... (woot! babysitters while I do the cleaning!)...

I'm such a nice selfless parent. *pats self on the back*

a heap of shit cos i'm bored and surfing the net looking at crap

I can't believe the following website is serious lol. First of all, someone writes this shit. Second of all, someone actually BUYS this shit?

Wtf... what advice could they possibly be giving? Unless its a plastic surgeon who specialises in boob job's phone number or something. I mean, seriously, a man's either interested in you or he isn't. Some people just don't have that special quality, that thing that attracts and holds a lover. Get with reality people!

How to get a man to adore you

Have you ever known the kind of woman...

• that men fall hopelessly in love with
• with whom men want to spend all their time
• whom men want to please and do anything for
• who brings out the romantic and passionate side of a man, and
• to whom men want to give everything?
  

What special quality, trait, or personality does this woman have that attracts men like a magnet, makes men powerless in her hands, and makes them want to spend their lives with her?

I've personally met many women like this -- and here's the startling observation I've made: These women are not necessarily the most beautiful, the tallest, the smartest, the one with the most gorgeous hair, sexy legs or the most ample breasts, as one might think!

Do you know that you as a woman, have the delicious power to make a man fall in love with you, to influence a man, to bring him to his knees? Do you know how to get a man to want to spend his life with you -- and want to fulfill your every desire?

Yes, it's true! The best part is that you can do it easily and effortlessly by being yourself -- and NOT shaping yourself into someone you're not - just to keep your man interested. I'll give you solid proof of this in a moment.

"The Woman Men Adore... and Never Want to Leave" works... Buy it now!!! Just a zillion trillion dollars probably... You'll discover the secret that will make you radiate like a warm and glowing campfire -- and give you an aura that men will find absolutely irresistible.

* * * * * * * * * *

Ooooh hold on, crisis averted... http://christiananswers.net/q-dml/dml-y030.html

Phew, I think I've finally solved the age-old question of What Is True Love with more random net surfing. The Christians have an answer, praise be to baby Allah! No wait.. Jesus... argh, my mistake. So many deities, so little thought.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8a

Sounds good to me. Sums up my concept of love anyway. Pity it doesn't happen like that lol.

But wait, theres more. The christian "advice" continues...

Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel.

Oh. I've heard that line of shit before actually. Love isn't an emotion? Love is a practical action? Um... hello? The word dumbfuck comes to mind yet again. How can they be so stupid as to follow up a well written "Love is blah blah" verse with some church-recited bullshit about how love isn't a feeling!? Zomg I might fail at this crap and life in general but I'm not that god damn stupid.

* * * * * * * * * *

Now I'm thinking... time for a bit of urban dictionary dot com. Maybe urban dictionary can help me resolve the love issue.

So... urbandick... what IS love?

Two choices really. It's either #1 or #2. I'm not sure.

#1 Love is...
The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.
Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.
This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.
It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity.
Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.

OR...

#2 Love is...
Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.

* * * * * * * * * *

Hmm. So the dumbfuck christians are only half right, urbandick is undecided on the true meaning of love, and I'm fortunately not stupid enough to fall for the money making ploy of "The Women Men Adore". So I guess I'm stuck then.

Oh well. Time to face facts about my lovelife. F for Fail.

heck, give the girl a beer and a shot and set the clock to 2am... and this is the blog you get

Ok I deleted this post on the grounds that it suggests I'm a dick. I shall leave the ending only lol.

Who knows what could happen, do what you do, just keep on laughing, one thing's true, there's always a brand new day, I'm gonna live today like it's my last day

Step 1 in this glorious new plan... go to freakin bed so that I at least have the darn energy to live today like its my last day lol. *yawns*

Step 2... buy a new cd. Lol.