sigh... the good, the bad and the ugly... what a stupid phrase anyway lol

Meh, I dunno. Stressful week and I feel all drained emotionally, physically, psychologically... every 'ally' there is lol.

From kids being sick to me being sick to, well, everything. I'd like to have just 24 hours to sleep and eat and breath and shower and just be a normal person instead of a constantly demanded-upon parent, wife, slave... why do women put up with this shit lol. *insert more woest me crap here*

I think I'm probably too anal, too perfectionist-ic if such a word exists. I feel cluttered on the inside when theres clutter on the outside, if that makes sense.

Rewind 5 years.... I used to have this nice little fake-idyllic world, with two kids who hadn't been influenced by the wider world too much yet and actually did things like make their beds and help each other (instead of bickering!), living in my own house with a moderate income, heading albeit slowly towards a financially secure future, with a lazy-assed husband who refused to do anything except whatever made him feel good (cos why would I do something I didn't want to do? um.. to help your family maybe?), with a huge social life and a bunch of friends (most of whom weren't close enough to know the truth about my marriage or my state of my mind), with the support of extended family (not all of whom chose to stay in my circle after I left my ex), with a job that drove me nuts some days but which I intrinsically enjoyed (and now cannot stand the thought of going back to)... so yeah, the good and the bad I guess.

Now... the kids have grown up and I only have them alternative weeks, so I'm not the main caregiver or influencer anymore. They bicker - most of which is brought on by my pre-teen daughter's me-me-me attitude lol (omg I'm soooo not looking forward to the teen years!). My son has become as lazy as his father... literally. Drives me nuts. Then there's the new baby who's 14mths now. Just starting to walk, cute... but very very demanding. He throws temper tantrums already! He reminds me of those strong willed dogs who even as puppies need a darn choker chain to teach them who's boss!! Then there's the new-new baby who hasn't been born yet... and all the stress that my sick pregnancy brings. Then there's the fact that we have no money and our unit is WAY too small for 4 people let alone 5. I only have 10 weeks ish to go and I haven't started preparing any baby stuff yet cos we simply have nowhere left to put his/her clothes, bed, "stuff".

We're renting so we're at the mercy of real estate agents, which sux. Our financial situation is going from worse to worse as we spend the savings to simply pay bills. *insert the word fuck and then the words I need a job not another baby here*

Oh and I forgot WK, the new husband... who's general laziness, computer obsession and inability to communicate in a positive way, compared to my anal-ness, my current illness and lack of energy and my inability to tolerate any from of verbal abuse (comes from having an abusive childhood) seems to be leading to arguments all too often. After already having one failed marriage I get extremely stressed at the thought that this might not work either. And I feel as if its all on my shoulders, my responsibility. I got so despondent this week that during an argument I asked if he thought he should move out for a little while so he could sort out what he wanted from life... if he wanted to be with us, with me, or not, rather than keep on fighting. And he just shrugged and said "whatever". I know in his family its considered ok to swear at people and put them down, to be overly critical, to be selfish and, in my opinion, "nasty" to family members, but I won't put up with that. And I know that I'm too over-bearing and too "cold and clinical" when it comes to solving marital problems (shit my ex used to yell at me to yell at him, instead of being all "miss psychology"). Not that any of this takes away from all those really good, really positive, really bonding moments we share. I could list all of those too I guess but I'm barely in the mood. But, yeah... this weird mixture of happiness and stress in our marriage and my constant fear that its not going to work out... its hard.

Then theres the friend issue... apart from my bud Laura whom I probably do hang with too much (ok ok I can admit it lol), my local friends don't really speak to me anymore. Its funny how people react to a relationship breakup, and its surprising just how many people didn't accept my relationship with WK simply because he's younger than me or because he's christian. Funny in a weird, I don't get it type of way. The rest of my REAL friends all live way too far away and I don't get to speak to them or hang with them as much as I would like to. More blah blah.

I think I'm just feeling really drained and down this week about everything. Part of me wishes I could just curl up in bed and let the world carry on around me lol. I guess thats the old depression hanging on that I've never really gotten out of my system.

Life is mostly good, mostly happy. I love WK and all of my kids - despite their demanding-ness, bickering and selfishness. And yet the depression lives on. Whats with that. Maybe its just that I expect perfection, maybe thats the problem. I expect the kids to do the right thing (perhaps not all the time, but most of the time would be good!), I expect Noah to do normal things for his age (like sleep dammit!), I expect my partner to not just love me but respect and support me as well (but that doesn't seem to be how it works), I expect to not have to struggle so much financially, I expected to be able to put my savings away until I was ready to buy a house again (sigh) ... and so on.

Which brings me back to me. *I* must be the problem. Life was good/bad... I fixed it, started again. Life was good... then the old good/bad came into play again. It follows me everywhere I go. Like I'm cursed or something lol. I shouldnt crap on and get all woest me cos it doesn't achieve anything.

I'm missing something... I think its my soul lol. If anyone sees it wandering around can they return it to me please?