heck, give the girl a beer and a shot and set the clock to 2am... and this is the blog you get

Ok I deleted this post on the grounds that it suggests I'm a dick. I shall leave the ending only lol.

Who knows what could happen, do what you do, just keep on laughing, one thing's true, there's always a brand new day, I'm gonna live today like it's my last day

Step 1 in this glorious new plan... go to freakin bed so that I at least have the darn energy to live today like its my last day lol. *yawns*

Step 2... buy a new cd. Lol.

so its official, I suck at life

Whoever first said that honesty is over-rated wasn't kidding... oh wait, that was probably me. To be honest, to share secrets, to share your hidden self... who the fuck does that.

Reverse time... 12 hrs ago... I begin to engage in an open and honest conversation with my husband about the past, the present, the future.

12 hours later... I still can't think straight. But now I can't think straight knowing that he's not happy, our marriage is not fulfilling to him, he doesn't care enough about me or us or anything basically to even make an effort. All this time I've been punishing myself, judging myself, dying on the inside, becoming this woest-me-emo person, thinking it was just my depression talking, that of course he loved me he just didn't know how to show it or how to communicate, that sort of thing. But nope. Turns out all those negative self thoughts I had about myself where spot on. Go figure.

"I know I love you but I don't feel it" is a cop out.

"I love you but I just don't care enough", another cop out.

A relationship can not be a success if the two people involved are not being their authentic true selves. A relationship can not be a success if you're only in it for the children or the money or the social standing or whatever other excuses people make. A relationship can not be a success if one or the other person is still in love with an ex, or at the very least, hasn't moved on properly. A relationship can not be a success unless the two people idolise each other, want each other, need each other, have that whole love forever deep soul bond thing working. (I've seen relationships like this so I know that they exist god dammit). And if you're not compatible, if you're not committed to the relationship, if you don't make an active, free choice to be in that relationship, if you don't CARE about it... well. Fail.

Fact is, there is something about me that is missing. I don't have that thing that people have. I don't even know what that thing is. All I know is I don't have it. I've had three primary relationships in my life.... I leave one marriage thinking I was the most selfish biatch in the world, only to have him admit afterwards that he didn't love me anyway. I meet Mr Perfect and fall madly in love, only Mr Perfect has a wife and kids, uses me for a bit then ditches me, of course. Then I get into marriage #2, only to discover two children later that he doesn't care either. I don't have that thing. People "care" but not enough to actually care. I lack in the long term wantability stakes. There is nothing about me that... oh I don't know. I just suck at life I think. I'm a half person who is incapable of being anything else.

I blame my mother. Lol.

Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Get on the couch and blame our mothers?

Go Freud.

P.S. Please don't die. I have enough insanity issues as it is.

So I had a convo the other day about beautiful song melodies, and it occurred to me that most of the truly beautiful songs are freakin sad ones. Whats with that. Like, seriously... I could name a heap... um, if it wasn't 2am and I wasn't tired.

So I just glanced through my song list to prove my point, as one is apt to do when trying to make a pointless point in a blog. And blah blah I came across the most haunting song ever... My Immortal by Evanescence.

Remember it? Omg that girl can sing. So much emotion, so much soul in her voice. Reminds me of James Blunt. *insert the I saw J.B. on Oprah one day and he made me cry story here*

Anyhoo, My Immortal makes me cry every frickin time I hear it. No matter where I am - car, shopping, sitting at the computer lol, whatever - I hear that song and the tears form. I dare anyone who has lost a loved one or, heck, anyone who has a human bone in their body, to listen to the lyrics and remain dry-eyed. Her voice, the music, the lyrics... its all so hauntingly sad.

I've lost friends and family members. It's devastating. But I can't imagine the sheer loss of life and self that comes with the death of your partner/spouse/lover/whatever. The whole "I will never get to tell you blah blah or do blah blah every again" thing is just... omg... worst nightmare stuff. The finality, the foreverness... I don't know how people do it.

A friend of mine lost her husband last year and every time she talks about it, cries, whatever... I never know what to say cos truth is, I can only begin to imagine just how bad that would be. The love of your life, gone, just like that. *shakes head*.

Heck, losing a lover is bad enough without the death bit added in. Fuck that. At least if your other half ditches you, you can still text them nasty messages or stalk them or bash their car with a tyre iron (I swear it wasn't me lol) or even just cry and hold out for them to change their mind... but none of that really works when its a death issue. Sigh.

My Immortal lyrics

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Hmm. Wow. I just realised I'm not being my normal heartless self. Eek. I blame the late hour, its not my fault. *takes a deep breath*

Order restored. Phew.

Ohhhh. In other news my daughter is scaring me. She's 12 and she's becoming more and more like me every day. And not just in the moody hormonal way, or the scary psychotic way, or the freak out when she gets frustrated way, or the I'm the Centre of the Universe so Everyone Should Bow Down to Me kind of way... oh, wait, I probably shouldn't admit to that. *deletes*

Anyhoo, I noticed today she's starting to use some of the words/phrases that I overuse. It's scary. Sure it starts with little phrases like "what's with that" or "someone ditched someone", but what if she moves on to the bad stuff. Eek. I couldn't count the number of times today that I said, "wait, stop, what did you just say?", only to have her look at me stupidly while she tried to work out what the big deal was.

Truth is I have this terrible habit of saying the most stupid swear words whenever I get a fright etc. Most people just jump and say something like "shit" but I come out with a trail of unrelated swear words. It's a no control, turrets type of thing. "Shit piss fuck" or "fuck flip" or "jesus fucking fuck"... all recent outbursts.

Sigh. I'm a bad parent, but its not my fault I swear. I was born this way.

In other, other news, I have an itch. Argh.

a... mik

Mika's a funny funny songwriter. Here's just a snippet of the bits that make me almost pmsl -

Oh Billy Brown had lived an ordinary life.
Two kids, a dog, and a cautionary wife.
While it was all going according to plan
Then Billy Brown fell in love with another man.
And its the slow, nice, love song melody that makes it even funnier... poor Billy Brown. And poor Billy Brown's wife!

Sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
I don't get it! Message: suck on a lollipop so that love doesn't get you down? Heck. *runs out to buy lollipops*

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
Ive gone identity mad!
Hehe. Like that song.

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said "Hey girl, you are beautiful."
Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful!"
You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman needs a whole lot more
Lol. If WK sings this song to me one more time I'm gonna whack him over the head with my big shovel and bury his big ass in a big hole, grr.

My mate Johnny's a looker
His habit is a one night stand
he would walk the streets in the usual way
Oh, what a pretty man
My mate Johnny was a lover
He fell for the girl next door
she said Johnny I can't be with you
You're pretty but you're also a bore
Finding love was not so easy
Cause people thought that he was too peculiar
So what was left for poor old Johnny
At least he found out that Jesus loves ya
Holy
Well he once was a whore
Now hes a priest at 24
'Cause he's holy
And he wanted the most
Now he's left with Holy Ghost
I prayed for johnny but now johnny prays for me
I prayed for johnny but now johnny prays for me
Holy Johnny... lol.

Sigh. I'm music obsessed. Is there a cure for having an obsessive personality? I get obsessive about everything lol. Even people sometimes. Damn people. Life would be better if there were no people in it... although I'm not sure how that'd work.
In a perfect, ideal world... eek. What a thought. For starters I'd have a nanny and a maid lol. And money.
The people around me would love me and value me and protect me... hmm. A posse of "Joey's a legend" people would be nice. Although that might get boring after a while I guess.
Oh I know what else - I'd have my body back. And my boobs. That'd be good lol.
Oh, and I'd have access to a time machine, so everytime I made a mistake I could go back and correct it lol. Sigh.
I know, I know, I'm being all superficial and self-absorbed but I'm daydreaming about MY perfect world lol, so nick off.

if i was a dog chasing cars all day i think i'd be a mutt... anything but a poodle :p

"Chasing Cars"...

Maybe its me but I don't understand the chasing cars analogy.

Like, what the?
I like the melody of this song, I like this song.

Well, for a silly girly lovey song that is lol.
I'll try not to bastardise it with stupid sarcastic comments

too much - well, I'll try lol. :P
I need to point out, though, that as nice as lying with the person

you love and shutting the rest of the world out is...

there's still the issue of sex.

I can imagine lying in bed, with this song playing, fulfilling the

dream, and then on comes Tenacious D's Fuck Her Gently.

You get the point.
"awww this is nice, lying together, peaceful"
*music changes*
Need I say more? lol

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

("Are" said too much... huh?)

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

(see - whats that mean?)

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

*insert repeated verses here*

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

(my fav verse, sigh)

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Thank goodness this song is mainstream radio crap.

I wouldn't want to be classified as emo lol. Eek!