cheer up emo kid

I was talking to a friend tonight and she said, "C'mon you're not stupid, what do you want? The first thing that pops into your head..." In reference to life in general.

And it occurred to me that all I want - apart from the normal blah blah happy, healthy kids blah blah expected stuff blah blah - all I personally want, for me, is to matter.

Seems simple.

Must be the Leo in me, the ego. Want to matter+don't=depression. Nice logical 1+1=2 type of thing.

I cbf explaining it in words either. Meh. I don't have a job in which I would be missed, my kids all have other people in their lives who could parent them better than me (I should really update my will now that I think about it lol), I'm not contributing anything to society, to the community, I'm really just a house slave with no life lol... baby Alana still needs me I guess. WTB a point to existing, other than as a baby food supply of course. :P

Oh well. Atm I think my point should be to sleep lol.

I'm actually looking forward to the doctor this week for a change. I'm not gonna let them scare me with their "zomg the risks" bullshit anymore, fuck it, everyone has to die of something ffs. So long as I dont end up vegetative or w/e I really don't care. Plus.. *insert grin here*... I'm gonna beg for new pills lol, something a little less meh and a little more woot-happy-pills'y.

And Disso, stress not. I'm fine, just thinking out loud. Plus I seriously do need some sleep - just rambling shit as per usual. :S

Tired.

Ooohh 'cept I just a good blog idea, sigh. I should write it down cos I'll forget by tomorrow. Pen, paper? Somewhere? Sigh.

*Edit* Fuck it, you know what else I want? I want to smile and laugh and actually mean it. Instead of all this woest me emo bullshit, so not me. I remember "me" and this isn't it. Argh, life sux. Whats that phrase that means live for the happy moments and cope with the rest? That lol, insert that phrase here. If I keep pretending will my real feelings just catch up lol? Isn't that what they taught us in psych? Cos, fk, it doesn't seem to work. Meh, whatever.

a heap of shit cos i'm bored and surfing the net looking at crap

I can't believe the following website is serious lol. First of all, someone writes this shit. Second of all, someone actually BUYS this shit?

Wtf... what advice could they possibly be giving? Unless its a plastic surgeon who specialises in boob job's phone number or something. I mean, seriously, a man's either interested in you or he isn't. Some people just don't have that special quality, that thing that attracts and holds a lover. Get with reality people!

How to get a man to adore you

Have you ever known the kind of woman...

• that men fall hopelessly in love with
• with whom men want to spend all their time
• whom men want to please and do anything for
• who brings out the romantic and passionate side of a man, and
• to whom men want to give everything?
  

What special quality, trait, or personality does this woman have that attracts men like a magnet, makes men powerless in her hands, and makes them want to spend their lives with her?

I've personally met many women like this -- and here's the startling observation I've made: These women are not necessarily the most beautiful, the tallest, the smartest, the one with the most gorgeous hair, sexy legs or the most ample breasts, as one might think!

Do you know that you as a woman, have the delicious power to make a man fall in love with you, to influence a man, to bring him to his knees? Do you know how to get a man to want to spend his life with you -- and want to fulfill your every desire?

Yes, it's true! The best part is that you can do it easily and effortlessly by being yourself -- and NOT shaping yourself into someone you're not - just to keep your man interested. I'll give you solid proof of this in a moment.

"The Woman Men Adore... and Never Want to Leave" works... Buy it now!!! Just a zillion trillion dollars probably... You'll discover the secret that will make you radiate like a warm and glowing campfire -- and give you an aura that men will find absolutely irresistible.

* * * * * * * * * *

Ooooh hold on, crisis averted... http://christiananswers.net/q-dml/dml-y030.html

Phew, I think I've finally solved the age-old question of What Is True Love with more random net surfing. The Christians have an answer, praise be to baby Allah! No wait.. Jesus... argh, my mistake. So many deities, so little thought.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8a

Sounds good to me. Sums up my concept of love anyway. Pity it doesn't happen like that lol.

But wait, theres more. The christian "advice" continues...

Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel.

Oh. I've heard that line of shit before actually. Love isn't an emotion? Love is a practical action? Um... hello? The word dumbfuck comes to mind yet again. How can they be so stupid as to follow up a well written "Love is blah blah" verse with some church-recited bullshit about how love isn't a feeling!? Zomg I might fail at this crap and life in general but I'm not that god damn stupid.

* * * * * * * * * *

Now I'm thinking... time for a bit of urban dictionary dot com. Maybe urban dictionary can help me resolve the love issue.

So... urbandick... what IS love?

Two choices really. It's either #1 or #2. I'm not sure.

#1 Love is...
The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.
Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.
This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.
It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity.
Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.

OR...

#2 Love is...
Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.

* * * * * * * * * *

Hmm. So the dumbfuck christians are only half right, urbandick is undecided on the true meaning of love, and I'm fortunately not stupid enough to fall for the money making ploy of "The Women Men Adore". So I guess I'm stuck then.

Oh well. Time to face facts about my lovelife. F for Fail.

meh to the new year

Seriously, I don't get the new year hype. New's Years is just an excuse to woot it up and being that I have two babies and no *real* friends (cept for Loo who'll be partying it up tonight, and Disso who lives a bazillion miles away).... well... sorta makes the woot'ing very non-wootful lol.

I was thinking the other day that the whole friend and family thing is a myth. It's all temporary cos people change over time. Either your friend changes in some way - either their lifestyle changes or they move or get married or have kids or get depressed or, heck, get happy lol - or you do. The two things that top the list of the friendship-breakers are 1. getting divorced (holy crap yes... friends will drop like flies when it comes to a relationship breakdown) and 2. having a baby. People are soooo self-centred, its true, but only hard core dedicated friends will put up with nappy changes and extended wait times (while you're doing baby stuff) and all the limits on where you can go and what you can do. Movies, yes. Clubbing... yno. For some reason the bouncers won't let you take a newbie baby with you to the bar. Whats with that.

All of which goes to make net buddies so much easier. Friends you make on the net aren't limited by one's babydom... not really anyway. You just go afk a bit lol. And net friendships aren't affected by things like divorce or marriage or new jobs. And yet... they may feel real but they're not *real*. Sorry Kus... you're not real lol. :P

You know... sometimes I love the net bud thing and sometimes I frickin hate it. This week I hate it lol.

Hmmm. Rambling about nothing again? Where was I? Oh yeah.. new years.

New Years is pfft and meh and all those other meaningless phrases. And yet I still want to make some new years resolutions. So here goes...

• Get rich. Um... lotto or something. Woot!
• Move. We so don't fit in this house and there's really nothing keeping us on the sunny coast cept for my kids. Gotta sort out the custody arrangements with my ex and then move I think.
  
• Get my body back. Atm I'm so depressed and stressed I don't give a toss if I'm a size 8 or 10 or a size freakin 20. I don't care. I just had two pregnancies in a row, both of which entailed complete bed rest and I'm still in the high risk stroke zone so I barely give a flying fk. But while I'm all like "meh its only 5kgs" everyone else is all "ewwww". I'd like to tell em all to gtfo but I guess instead I'll just do the whole boring diet/exercise thing. Frickin shallow people.
• Work or study. Something. Need to do something. I realise I have no babyfree time but heck... I'm quite literally losing myself in washing and cleaning and nappy changing.
• Get on top of my emotions. I don't know if its the stress or the depression or the health crap, or maybe all of them combined, but I'm sick of being emotional. I despise weakness and vulnerability lol. And yet here I am cycling from depression to anger with small burts of ok-ness in between. Too many thoughts, too many feelings, its just too much most of the time. I must be terrible to live with lol. Pity my family.
• Maybe play WoW less... maybe. Thats a hard call. It's my escapism lol. At least in WoW I'm leet. :D
  
• Sort out my marriage problems. A toughie. I'm lost as to what the right thing to do is. On the one hand I don't want to be in stress-filled relationship where I feel like crap most of the time, but on the other hand... I like living by myself, all that personal space... but I'm not eager to be a single parent again, certainly not with the two babies. Besides, I can still remember the utter loneliness I felt last time... no thanks.

Wow. An honest post for a change. I was gonna make new years resolution jokes... not sure what went wrong there lol.

I think my main new years resolution should be to simply find my "self" again lol. Such a cliche but true. I want the old easy going, flexible, fun, risk-taking, happy, psycho jo back. She's gotta be around here somewhere lol. Maybe I should check behind the tv where all the other missing things tend to go.

sigh... the good, the bad and the ugly... what a stupid phrase anyway lol

Meh, I dunno. Stressful week and I feel all drained emotionally, physically, psychologically... every 'ally' there is lol.

From kids being sick to me being sick to, well, everything. I'd like to have just 24 hours to sleep and eat and breath and shower and just be a normal person instead of a constantly demanded-upon parent, wife, slave... why do women put up with this shit lol. *insert more woest me crap here*

I think I'm probably too anal, too perfectionist-ic if such a word exists. I feel cluttered on the inside when theres clutter on the outside, if that makes sense.

Rewind 5 years.... I used to have this nice little fake-idyllic world, with two kids who hadn't been influenced by the wider world too much yet and actually did things like make their beds and help each other (instead of bickering!), living in my own house with a moderate income, heading albeit slowly towards a financially secure future, with a lazy-assed husband who refused to do anything except whatever made him feel good (cos why would I do something I didn't want to do? um.. to help your family maybe?), with a huge social life and a bunch of friends (most of whom weren't close enough to know the truth about my marriage or my state of my mind), with the support of extended family (not all of whom chose to stay in my circle after I left my ex), with a job that drove me nuts some days but which I intrinsically enjoyed (and now cannot stand the thought of going back to)... so yeah, the good and the bad I guess.

Now... the kids have grown up and I only have them alternative weeks, so I'm not the main caregiver or influencer anymore. They bicker - most of which is brought on by my pre-teen daughter's me-me-me attitude lol (omg I'm soooo not looking forward to the teen years!). My son has become as lazy as his father... literally. Drives me nuts. Then there's the new baby who's 14mths now. Just starting to walk, cute... but very very demanding. He throws temper tantrums already! He reminds me of those strong willed dogs who even as puppies need a darn choker chain to teach them who's boss!! Then there's the new-new baby who hasn't been born yet... and all the stress that my sick pregnancy brings. Then there's the fact that we have no money and our unit is WAY too small for 4 people let alone 5. I only have 10 weeks ish to go and I haven't started preparing any baby stuff yet cos we simply have nowhere left to put his/her clothes, bed, "stuff".

We're renting so we're at the mercy of real estate agents, which sux. Our financial situation is going from worse to worse as we spend the savings to simply pay bills. *insert the word fuck and then the words I need a job not another baby here*

Oh and I forgot WK, the new husband... who's general laziness, computer obsession and inability to communicate in a positive way, compared to my anal-ness, my current illness and lack of energy and my inability to tolerate any from of verbal abuse (comes from having an abusive childhood) seems to be leading to arguments all too often. After already having one failed marriage I get extremely stressed at the thought that this might not work either. And I feel as if its all on my shoulders, my responsibility. I got so despondent this week that during an argument I asked if he thought he should move out for a little while so he could sort out what he wanted from life... if he wanted to be with us, with me, or not, rather than keep on fighting. And he just shrugged and said "whatever". I know in his family its considered ok to swear at people and put them down, to be overly critical, to be selfish and, in my opinion, "nasty" to family members, but I won't put up with that. And I know that I'm too over-bearing and too "cold and clinical" when it comes to solving marital problems (shit my ex used to yell at me to yell at him, instead of being all "miss psychology"). Not that any of this takes away from all those really good, really positive, really bonding moments we share. I could list all of those too I guess but I'm barely in the mood. But, yeah... this weird mixture of happiness and stress in our marriage and my constant fear that its not going to work out... its hard.

Then theres the friend issue... apart from my bud Laura whom I probably do hang with too much (ok ok I can admit it lol), my local friends don't really speak to me anymore. Its funny how people react to a relationship breakup, and its surprising just how many people didn't accept my relationship with WK simply because he's younger than me or because he's christian. Funny in a weird, I don't get it type of way. The rest of my REAL friends all live way too far away and I don't get to speak to them or hang with them as much as I would like to. More blah blah.

I think I'm just feeling really drained and down this week about everything. Part of me wishes I could just curl up in bed and let the world carry on around me lol. I guess thats the old depression hanging on that I've never really gotten out of my system.

Life is mostly good, mostly happy. I love WK and all of my kids - despite their demanding-ness, bickering and selfishness. And yet the depression lives on. Whats with that. Maybe its just that I expect perfection, maybe thats the problem. I expect the kids to do the right thing (perhaps not all the time, but most of the time would be good!), I expect Noah to do normal things for his age (like sleep dammit!), I expect my partner to not just love me but respect and support me as well (but that doesn't seem to be how it works), I expect to not have to struggle so much financially, I expected to be able to put my savings away until I was ready to buy a house again (sigh) ... and so on.

Which brings me back to me. *I* must be the problem. Life was good/bad... I fixed it, started again. Life was good... then the old good/bad came into play again. It follows me everywhere I go. Like I'm cursed or something lol. I shouldnt crap on and get all woest me cos it doesn't achieve anything.

I'm missing something... I think its my soul lol. If anyone sees it wandering around can they return it to me please?

am I the only one who's noticed lifes not like it is in the movies?

Ok, so unfortunately my birthday's coming up again. Whats with that. Its so frequent it feels like it comes around annually, sheesh.


So here's my birthday wish list:

• Peace - not world peace, just Noah peace. Little pest whinges, cries, screams, demands... like... at least 12 hours a day. At least! I know you don't have to like your children every moment of every day, but its starting to get ridiculous lol.
  
• Sleep - I don't even know what this word means anymore, but I'd still like some. :P
  
• Love - I always think back to my ex-inlaws marriage. Neither of them were perfect people but they shared this intense love and respect and it was never more obvious than at birthdays/christmas's etc. Not a single gift giving moment went by without Roy giving Jan a piece of jewellery (or something similar)... some singular act that was always presented in a romantic way in front of everyone... which had no purpose except to say I love you. It wasn't the jewellery that was the point, it was the way it was given. She was his princess, you know... and he always made her feel girly special, if that makes sense. Makes me sad. He passed away a couple of years ago. :(

I dunno, for me personally... I don't get the whole birthday thing. Its just a day lol, and it passes just like any other. I guess you get an excuse to eat cake, but thats about it. :P

I think the reason people get more depressed at christmas/birthdays is because they EXPECT it to be different. Expectations lead to disappointment, which leads to negative analysis of your life and your self, and hence... depression. So its an easy solution really - no expectation, no depression. Simple.

I was married/engaged to the one person for 15 years. 15 frickin years. And I received one actual gift in all that time lol. And no, boring practical things like "oh the iron doesn't work anymore, so we'll buy a new one and I'll wrap it and the kids will think they're giving me a present" doesn't count. He's since moved on to his new gf and gives her super cool presents at every turn, just like his father gave to his mother... like that beautiful watch... grrr. At least he learned something from our failed marriage. But dammit, maybe I wanted a watch lol!!!

So - the point is - if you don't expect people to treat you "special" on your birthday, then you don't get let down. I guess its something you learn as a kid when your family life is fked lol. Actually I apply the same logic to every interaction I have with my parents, so I know it works. :P

So here's hoping I'll be sick on my birthday and sleep for the whole 24 hours. I think its the only way I'm gonna get some of my wishes in lol. *fingers crossed*

I have no idea where Disso got this from, but...

This post-it is cute in a bad way lol, and it sorta matches my whole fat-pregnancy-depressed state from earlier in the week.

I, however, would never call myself beautiful, fine or interesting. I may have a Leo's ego but I'm much more realistic than that lol.

And I sure as *insert F word here* would never ever ever say that I am "someone of sound mind". LOL. Never!!

Still... I like this post-it. Meh, whatever.

I dunno... I think at this point I should change my personal motto to "sanity is overrated" and just go with the flow

I guess I've never really pretended to be 100% sane or, for that matter, 100% "normal". Normal means predictable... and if I was even able to predict my own behaviour, well, I think even I would get bored with myself. I don't like monotony or predictability. Stability and security yes, monotony no.

Like the weekend for instance... *insert drum roll*... Evidence #1 for my insanity.

We were sitting around the house all day Sunday (not our house, the inlaws, but thats hardly the point lol). I kept bitching I needed to "do" something... and about 3pm the bitching increased to the point where WK was like "ok, what the fk do you want to do then?"

My response... "I dunno, something, anything".

Aren't you glad you don't live with me lol.

I need spontaneity every time that spontaneity is actually possible i.e. whenever someone else is there to look after the baby lol. I need to just get up and do "something". I need to jump in the car and wonder where I'm going and what I'm going to do WHILE I'm driving. Yep... I'm neither sane nor a good driver. But, meh.

Which brings me to Evidence #2 in the "i think i'm not sane" theory.

I seem to have a major driving flaw. Apart from my inability to focus on the road and indicate at every turn and all those other blah things that people who get to sit in my passenger seat complain about. It's called minor risk taking people (and by "it" I mean my driving lol), deal with it!

Ok ok... truth is I have this silly habit of crying in the car. When I'm depressed about something, the only places I ever cry are in the shower or the car. When I'm pregnant and hormonal and stressed about pregnancy stuff, I cry in the car. When Noah was in the hospital and I had to drive there every few hours to feed him, I cried the whole way there and the whole way back. Its like my crying spot. In the car. Weird.

And probably not safe lol, since I really should be focussing on the road etc. Oops.

I think its cos the car is this isolated place where I'm alone... cept for Noah of course. I try not to randomly cry in front of the other two kids... cos when I do they of course ask why I'm crying. Which starts a whole convo about something or other... when the truth is that I just do it.

The other day I cried the whole way home from school in the morning, and poor WK had to put up with the mess I was when I walked in the door. A stupid song came on the stupid radio and it got me thinking about a family friend who passed away recently and how sad I was for my family and his family that he wouldn't be able to come to the wedding. At least that was a decent thing to cry about I guess. Sometimes its much more random... altho almost always song-inspired. Eek, emo tendencies.

The ironic thing is that I'm so not an emotional person. Which only adds to the insanity issue I guess. Oops, I probably should have left that little bit of self analysis out. No point adding fuel to the fire.

Let's end with Evidence #3 cos, to be honest, its probably a never ending list... and this is probably the most outstanding piece of evidence to support the "i aint sane" idea.

Assuming all goes well, by the end of the year we'll have another little baby in our midst. Yep, count them. 1.. 2.. 3... 4 children. Thats four. 4. Now if giving birth four times isn't stupid enough, the act of raising four kids is damn well insane. Four. 4. God help me.

why is it so?

1. Why does chocolate taste better and why does creamy pasta look so much more inviting when you're on a diet?
Mmm... chocolate...

2. Why do you crave things like beer or vodka when you're pregnant?
Seriously, that can't be a part of the whole evolution thing.

3. Why do some people have all the luck and other people like me have, lets be honest, none?
I can't believe I'm gonna be pregnant at the darn wedding, grr, unfair! I'm still gonna have a champagne or two... I'll just have to hide it from WK somehow. :P

4. Why do other people rave about their perfect babies who "are sleeping all night already" when they're only like, hours old virtually, and I have to have Mr Insomniac Noah who not only doesn't sleep but also hates his cot?
I think everyone else lies lol. It's part of that whole "not my child, my kid is perfect" parenting trap. Either that or Noah's just a pain in the butt.

5. Why is it that everyone makes loud noises around you when you're feeling sick or whatever? Kids suddenly deciding to practise their recorder for instance, at the exact time that your head is pounding - whats with that?
Solution - don't have kids in the first place. My head hurts dammit. Why, oh why did you invent recorders! *shakes fist at God*

why do we praise god for sunsets but not for excrement? hmm... makes one ponder...

So I was thinking today... whether you believe in creation or evolution, this whole sick as a dog when pregnant thing is crap. I mean, we were created to suffer like this? pfft. Or this is somehow good evolution? pfft.

Your body is doing this amazing job of creating a whole little person, a whole new life, and yet you feel like a. a walking zombie or b. a drunk who's so far beyond being hungover that the word "hungover" doesn't even qualify. How is that fair?

Now, I do have a see saw theory which basically says that for every up there's a down, and that the height of the up always has its corresponding down. This means that if something is really really good, it has a really really bad side to it, while if something is only mediocre in your life, it really only has the slightest negative.

Consider this theory in terms of your friendships. If you have a so so friend and that friendship fails... you're not really that upset. The good = the bad. The up = the down. If you have a good friend and that friendship fails... well, same thing. How much you value that friendship will determine how badly you react to its failure.

And this theory can be applied to babies too... but NOT during the pregnancy bit. The wonderfully high "up" of the pregnancy/newborn baby cycle thingy is met with a thud by the not so wonderfully low "low" of the sleepless nights and vomit and baby poo and all that other eeky stuff. Having and raising kids is both the best and worst thing you'll ever do... it takes you to the very top and the very lowest point of the damn seesaw, and sometimes it travels fast between the two lol.

Which brings me back to the deathlikeness of early ish pregnancy. Why? It's not a karma thing, its not an evolution thing, its not a creation thing, its not a part of the up/down life cycle of the see saw... so WHY DAMMIT, WHY?

Am I talking in circles? Yes!
Am I making sense? Not much!
And why is that? Cos I feel like shit!

Sigh.

Which brings me to this little titbit of info courtesy of BabyCentre Australia -

If extreme mood swings leave you feeling like a drama queen this week, you're not alone. Hormonal fluctuations are treating your emotions like a yo-yo now. One minute you feel weepy and the next you're laughing harder than you've ever laughed before. Take comfort in knowing that those same volatile hormones are helping your baby grow. In fact, this week marks the first time your baby looks almost human. He has all the standard body parts in place now — though they're not yet formed to perfection.

Oh great, so I feel like death and the little leech doesn't even look human yet?!?

And as for hormones.. um, yeah.. I may have cried a bit watching early morning tv today... but its hardly my fault. That ad for the Jennifer Aniston tv special and the Loud Shirt day ad (raising money for deaf kids)... oh, and the Maury Povich "my stepfather might be the father of my new baby" show... I mean, they were pretty sad you know...

Oh... looky what I found... 50 Reasons to be Glad You're Pregnant -> (psst, i'm deleting all the ones that don't apply to us Aussies)

1 Relishing the early weeks when only you and your partner know your special secret. (and your kids.. and everyone they've accidentally told like the time we were discussing the wedding with a parent from school who also happens to be a major gossip, and Laura pipes up with "when's the wedding again? is it before or after the next baby is born?" Um, yeah, thanks Laura)

2 Knowing you've got nine whole months to plan, dream and fantasise. (sigh, 9 months, not me baby. I'm hoping for 7)

3 Choosing maternity clothes - they've never been more practical or more sexy. (PFFT!)

4 Now you've got the perfect excuse to pamper yourself - spending hours in a scented bath, enjoying a massage or rubbing soothing lotions into your growing bump. (obviously whoever wrote this list has no other children, let alone a demanding little 10 month old called Noah)

5 Maternity rights are getting better all the time. (blah blah, I'm barely working atm anyway)

6 You can join an antenatal class and find a whole new bunch of friends (omg! me? I don't think so. Can you imagine anything worse than a bunch of women sitting around whinging about their pregnancies - yeah, I, uh, don't do that - or talking about how perfect their kids are? Sheesh.)

7 For once in your life you need to get heavier - pregnancy is Nature's way of making you feel good about putting on weight. (um... yeah...)

8 If this is your first baby, enjoy the next nine months sleeping late at weekends: you won't get many chances later on. (sigh)

9 At last you've got the bosom you've always wanted, which means you also have... (doesn't really affect me lol... I don't need more "bosom" and I certainly don't need bosom's that leak :P)

10 ...a great excuse to buy lots of pretty new bras. (we need an excuse for this lol? eek!)

13 Suddenly you'll find you're getting lots of extra attention from parents, aunts and uncles, not to mention your partner. (um, should I get WK to read this?)

14 You may find you develop a closer relationship with sisters, cousins or friends who are parents themselves. Congratulations, you've just won free admission to the parents' club! (fk that)

16 New talents! Whether it's knitting bootees or assembling a flat-pack cot, you'll suddenly find yourself trying out all sorts of new skills. (oh.. great...)

17 Suddenly you'll feel a new appreciation for your own mother and all she went through having you. (no, not really)

18 Decorating the nursery: one of the most exciting things you'll ever do. (who the crap wrote this list? huh? huh?!)

19 Feeling those first fluttering kicks and thinking, 'Is that what I think it is? Or is it just wind?' (ok ok, yeah, the baby moving is pretty cool... for a while anyway. Til the little bugger starts kicking you up under your ribs.)

20 Feeling OK for sending your partner out for chicken tikka masala followed by double-choc chip ice cream. (hmm, unfortunately for me... hmm.. hold on, where was i? Now I want icecream dammit, can't concentrate)

21 Your parents digging out your old cot or pram, which they've kept safely all this time 'just in case'. (um, no)

22 Going for healthy walks with your partner and getting fresh air in your lungs because it's good for you and good for your baby. (ok ok, I give this one a tick too)

23 Enjoying the extra-vivid dreams you get in late pregnancy - and laughing about them with your friends. (so far all these "extra-vivid dreams" have been a pain in the ass. I need my sleep dammit!)

24 Feeling a little pair of heels prodding under your diaphragm and knowing you'll soon be meeting the little person they belong to! (I think I've already mentioned this already.. and not in a positive way)

25 Choosing baby clothes - or just phoning round for all the catalogues, leafing through them and planning what you're going to buy. (oooh yes, I"m a shopper! :D)

26 Writing a pregnancy diary for your baby to read in the future. (online diary maybe? I could never show the baby tho cos I swear way too much :P)

27 Getting someone to take photos of you smiling over your enormous bump so that, one day, you can look back and be amazed you were ever that size. (lol. If you see how stretched your skin is on your belly after having 3 or 4 kids... you won't need the photo as proof :S)

29 Lying in bed with your partner's arms around you and your bump, knowing that love has created a new life. (uh huh)

Ok, I give up. Noah just woke up and is screaming the house down. 29'll do.

Ok ok, I guess I'll get over it

Sigh. Msn deleted my space. Apparently it had images of "nudity". Pfft.

They sent me a slack assed email saying "you have 48 hrs to remove the offending images"... that was like, 5 days ago lol. Bugger.

*sigh*