cheer up emo kid

I was talking to a friend tonight and she said, "C'mon you're not stupid, what do you want? The first thing that pops into your head..." In reference to life in general.

And it occurred to me that all I want - apart from the normal blah blah happy, healthy kids blah blah expected stuff blah blah - all I personally want, for me, is to matter.

Seems simple.

Must be the Leo in me, the ego. Want to matter+don't=depression. Nice logical 1+1=2 type of thing.

I cbf explaining it in words either. Meh. I don't have a job in which I would be missed, my kids all have other people in their lives who could parent them better than me (I should really update my will now that I think about it lol), I'm not contributing anything to society, to the community, I'm really just a house slave with no life lol... baby Alana still needs me I guess. WTB a point to existing, other than as a baby food supply of course. :P

Oh well. Atm I think my point should be to sleep lol.

I'm actually looking forward to the doctor this week for a change. I'm not gonna let them scare me with their "zomg the risks" bullshit anymore, fuck it, everyone has to die of something ffs. So long as I dont end up vegetative or w/e I really don't care. Plus.. *insert grin here*... I'm gonna beg for new pills lol, something a little less meh and a little more woot-happy-pills'y.

And Disso, stress not. I'm fine, just thinking out loud. Plus I seriously do need some sleep - just rambling shit as per usual. :S

Tired.

Ooohh 'cept I just a good blog idea, sigh. I should write it down cos I'll forget by tomorrow. Pen, paper? Somewhere? Sigh.

*Edit* Fuck it, you know what else I want? I want to smile and laugh and actually mean it. Instead of all this woest me emo bullshit, so not me. I remember "me" and this isn't it. Argh, life sux. Whats that phrase that means live for the happy moments and cope with the rest? That lol, insert that phrase here. If I keep pretending will my real feelings just catch up lol? Isn't that what they taught us in psych? Cos, fk, it doesn't seem to work. Meh, whatever.

go go gadget arm... *changes tv channel*

I moved my pc to the living room last night, just to try it out... I'm in the middle of converting the computer room to a bedroom for the eldest of the too many kids lol. She needs her space and privacy I think, but thats a whole 'nother story.

So I moved my pc to the living room. Means I'll be able to supervise the toddler better, toilet training will be easier (tiles down here, carpet upstairs, eek!), and... it means I can watch tv. Wow, I haven't watched any real tv for a long time. If there's a series I want to watch, I wait til I can get it on dvd and watch it all at once lol. I mainly just watch a bit of Austar here and there, like Kenny vs Spenny... I miss fabc Kenny and pathetic whiney Spenny lol. Argh, off track again.

On to the point of this blog... here's a list of all the things I've learned from the idiot box in the last, oh, roughly 12 hours.

If it wasn't for the television I wouldn't know that...

• I need to buy batteries. Argh at the cricket that was on tv last night at the exact moment that 1. the remote wouldnt work and 2. I was feeding the baby and therefore stuck in my chair for like half an hour. Omg... cricket... *blinks*.
  
• Whoopie Goldberg can sing, really sing. When did that happen? Bring me a higher love. Me too Whoopie. Ditto on that.
  
• Its impossible to listen to music while surfing the net AND having the tv on at the same time. Sigh. There goes that habit I guess.
• Sandra Sully still bugs me. I think she's the real reason I stopped watching the news. Sure I could change the channel, but heck. Its an association thing.
  
• I should listen to my kids more. It turns out that the chair at the computer desk in the living room - the chair at the kids computer desk - the chair they've been complaining about - the chair they've been asking me to buy a cushion for - really truly is uncomfortable on the ass. I've had this lower back/butt ache all day lol. Oops. WTB massage.
• I need a new tattoo. MTV ftw. I want a heart tattoo next. Just a little cartoon style one, somewhere. Now I know the what, I just gotta work out the where lol. Hmm. Ideas?
  
• I also need to buy a new headset. New headphones, mic... cos if Noah is watching Doodlebops or the Wiggles... noooooo. I'm putting "new headset" on the must-have bread and milk list.
• It's mothers day this weekend. Oh. Yay. Not. All my mothers day memories are freakin horrendous. Mother's Day is never really about family time, its always fake bullshit, fake presents, fake breakfast in bed, just fake fake fake. I'm not stupid enough to fall for the "pretend mum/my wife matters cos thats what's expected." MEH at that. I'm sick of freakin fake. I want authenticity. I want to feel real again.... OMG stupid mothers day ads. Don't get me started on this pathetic crap again, argh.

And on that not so positive note I gtg do parent stuff lol. Oh the irony.

A change of pace... a cutesy happy blog... where the fk did all these kids come from? I swear I only had one yesterday... sigh.

I woke up this morning to discover that my 9yr old son had written a poem dedicated to his almost-2yr-old brother. Cute, nice and all that positive stuff. If I was less heartless bitch and more human, his level of devotion to his little brother might have brought a tear to my eye.

My brother sings and sings,
He sings on the stage.
My brother might even make a book,
Noah hasn’t checked the front page.
Noah is so cute,
He’s growing big out of small.
He’s the cutest baby ill ever have,
Soon he’ll be so very tall.
My brother eats lots of food, such as toast,
I say, sometimes he looks like a camel when he cries.
He eats a lot of food,
He might even eat blue berry pies.
My brother likes a lot of toys,
His favourite toy is Thomas the tank.
He calls Thomas, Toot-Toot,
He loves to ride Thomas to the bank.
Noah is a little toddler,
He’s happy and sometimes sad.
Noah has 4$ in his bank,
He only has 4$ but he’ll never be mad.
Noah has grown a lot,
He plays baseball with one of the smallest bats.
His favourite colour is black,
Noah’s favourite animal would have to be a cat.

By ZJK

Mostly its pure imagination lol.

Son #2 doesn't eat much food at all, doesn't own a baseball bat, doesn't know his colours, prefers dogs to cats and, lets face it, isn't as cute as his baby sister. (Yes, can admit she's my favourite for several reasons, mainly because she can't move yet or answer back. She just sits where you put her and smiles more often than not. Perfect!)

And I guess at some point I'll have to tell son #1 that son #2 actually has something like $500 in the bank... that he is in fact richer than the rest of us... but maybe not today lol.

The main difference between sons #1 and 2 is that #1 has always been the soft, sensitive, poetry-writing, pansy-type boy. He has his boy moments but he still sleeps with his favourite soft toys and still cries at the drop of a hat. He used to love dressing up as spiderman one day, and a fairy the next (hmm... moving on...). Son #2 on the other hand... speaking of batshit crazy... he's a bit more full-on and boys'y. Give him a soft toy and he's likely to peg it at you. He's more of a truck or "tuck" type of boy, a I-can-climb-anything type of boy. A boys'y boy.

Teenage girl hormones aside, daughters #1 and #2 seem quite similar so far, in as much as you can compare a 12 year old girl and a 6mth old baby lol. Girl #1 surfs, skateboards, plays drums, guitar and saxophone... she's "cool"... but she's also one of the smartest kids in her class, a school captain this year, a goody-two-shoes (thats the bit she doesn't get from me lol). Girl #2... well... atm she's learning to sit without face planting and eat food without gagging and throwing up. That's it really. Um... I can't remember where the similarities were now lol. Oh well.

You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna give them the day off school. Cos I like them today. And they've been at their dads for 10 days ish - I just picked them up yesterday. Yeah, fuck it. I don't feel like driving 30mins to school or making school lunches. Let the kids spend some time together, yep, good idea. Family time.

I swear the whole they-can-help-with-the-packing-and-cleaning-out business has nothing to do with my decision... (woot! babysitters while I do the cleaning!)...

I'm such a nice selfless parent. *pats self on the back*

WTB a baby daughter who doesn't fart so bad that I can't breathe when she's on my lap

Ok I apologise for the woest me'ness of the previous blog. I was just pissed. And not the good sort of pissed, not the oh my god I'm so drunk I have to pee in the back yard type of pissed. Just good old fashioned anger.

Life goes on you know, except of course in those cases, where, well, it doesn't. Um. Yeah. Anyway, I am woman, hear me roar.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about my marriage. I think perhaps I expect too much, maybe its an ego thing, maybe I really am too selfish. But I want it all, not half of it. I want to love and be loved. I want to value someone and be valued in return. No, scrap that. IF I'm in a relationship thats what I want. I'm starting to wonder whether perhaps I'm just the type of person who should be single, on my own, Miss Independent... keep your distance... or however that song goes. It's easier to be single I think, to be emotionally unattached. No expectations, no disappointment, no pain. And no I'm not all stupid depressed, I'm just being rational.

Was my marriage a mistake? Sometimes I think maybe it was, its hard to say. We're not very compatible communication wise, personality wise, any wise... but I look into the smiling faces (heck even the midnight tantrum faces!!) of my children and I know without a doubt that I don't regret it. Whatever happens, my life has been enriched by these two kids. I was not supposed to be able to carry to term, I was not supposed to be able to have more babies... but here are two of them. So fuck fate, fuck all that "whats meant to be" bullshit. I don't think everything happens for a reason but I DO think you're wise to find a reason in everything that happens.

Alana and Noah, and Laura and Zac (but they're older and don't need me as much), are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I'm tempted to include my latest wow addiction here... my desire to get exalted with the newest faction... but I'm being... good... Fact is, I have my children, I have friends close by who support me, and I have long distance friends who try to listen to my rambling bullshit and not get too annoyed with me lol. Fuck the rest of the world.

Like I said, I am woman, hear me roar.

stone...

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND,

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH .

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:

“TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE”

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, “AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?”

THE FRIEND REPLIED
“WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT”

LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.

P.S. Please don't die. I have enough insanity issues as it is.

So I had a convo the other day about beautiful song melodies, and it occurred to me that most of the truly beautiful songs are freakin sad ones. Whats with that. Like, seriously... I could name a heap... um, if it wasn't 2am and I wasn't tired.

So I just glanced through my song list to prove my point, as one is apt to do when trying to make a pointless point in a blog. And blah blah I came across the most haunting song ever... My Immortal by Evanescence.

Remember it? Omg that girl can sing. So much emotion, so much soul in her voice. Reminds me of James Blunt. *insert the I saw J.B. on Oprah one day and he made me cry story here*

Anyhoo, My Immortal makes me cry every frickin time I hear it. No matter where I am - car, shopping, sitting at the computer lol, whatever - I hear that song and the tears form. I dare anyone who has lost a loved one or, heck, anyone who has a human bone in their body, to listen to the lyrics and remain dry-eyed. Her voice, the music, the lyrics... its all so hauntingly sad.

I've lost friends and family members. It's devastating. But I can't imagine the sheer loss of life and self that comes with the death of your partner/spouse/lover/whatever. The whole "I will never get to tell you blah blah or do blah blah every again" thing is just... omg... worst nightmare stuff. The finality, the foreverness... I don't know how people do it.

A friend of mine lost her husband last year and every time she talks about it, cries, whatever... I never know what to say cos truth is, I can only begin to imagine just how bad that would be. The love of your life, gone, just like that. *shakes head*.

Heck, losing a lover is bad enough without the death bit added in. Fuck that. At least if your other half ditches you, you can still text them nasty messages or stalk them or bash their car with a tyre iron (I swear it wasn't me lol) or even just cry and hold out for them to change their mind... but none of that really works when its a death issue. Sigh.

My Immortal lyrics

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Hmm. Wow. I just realised I'm not being my normal heartless self. Eek. I blame the late hour, its not my fault. *takes a deep breath*

Order restored. Phew.

Ohhhh. In other news my daughter is scaring me. She's 12 and she's becoming more and more like me every day. And not just in the moody hormonal way, or the scary psychotic way, or the freak out when she gets frustrated way, or the I'm the Centre of the Universe so Everyone Should Bow Down to Me kind of way... oh, wait, I probably shouldn't admit to that. *deletes*

Anyhoo, I noticed today she's starting to use some of the words/phrases that I overuse. It's scary. Sure it starts with little phrases like "what's with that" or "someone ditched someone", but what if she moves on to the bad stuff. Eek. I couldn't count the number of times today that I said, "wait, stop, what did you just say?", only to have her look at me stupidly while she tried to work out what the big deal was.

Truth is I have this terrible habit of saying the most stupid swear words whenever I get a fright etc. Most people just jump and say something like "shit" but I come out with a trail of unrelated swear words. It's a no control, turrets type of thing. "Shit piss fuck" or "fuck flip" or "jesus fucking fuck"... all recent outbursts.

Sigh. I'm a bad parent, but its not my fault I swear. I was born this way.

In other, other news, I have an itch. Argh.

meh to the new year

Seriously, I don't get the new year hype. New's Years is just an excuse to woot it up and being that I have two babies and no *real* friends (cept for Loo who'll be partying it up tonight, and Disso who lives a bazillion miles away).... well... sorta makes the woot'ing very non-wootful lol.

I was thinking the other day that the whole friend and family thing is a myth. It's all temporary cos people change over time. Either your friend changes in some way - either their lifestyle changes or they move or get married or have kids or get depressed or, heck, get happy lol - or you do. The two things that top the list of the friendship-breakers are 1. getting divorced (holy crap yes... friends will drop like flies when it comes to a relationship breakdown) and 2. having a baby. People are soooo self-centred, its true, but only hard core dedicated friends will put up with nappy changes and extended wait times (while you're doing baby stuff) and all the limits on where you can go and what you can do. Movies, yes. Clubbing... yno. For some reason the bouncers won't let you take a newbie baby with you to the bar. Whats with that.

All of which goes to make net buddies so much easier. Friends you make on the net aren't limited by one's babydom... not really anyway. You just go afk a bit lol. And net friendships aren't affected by things like divorce or marriage or new jobs. And yet... they may feel real but they're not *real*. Sorry Kus... you're not real lol. :P

You know... sometimes I love the net bud thing and sometimes I frickin hate it. This week I hate it lol.

Hmmm. Rambling about nothing again? Where was I? Oh yeah.. new years.

New Years is pfft and meh and all those other meaningless phrases. And yet I still want to make some new years resolutions. So here goes...

• Get rich. Um... lotto or something. Woot!
• Move. We so don't fit in this house and there's really nothing keeping us on the sunny coast cept for my kids. Gotta sort out the custody arrangements with my ex and then move I think.
  
• Get my body back. Atm I'm so depressed and stressed I don't give a toss if I'm a size 8 or 10 or a size freakin 20. I don't care. I just had two pregnancies in a row, both of which entailed complete bed rest and I'm still in the high risk stroke zone so I barely give a flying fk. But while I'm all like "meh its only 5kgs" everyone else is all "ewwww". I'd like to tell em all to gtfo but I guess instead I'll just do the whole boring diet/exercise thing. Frickin shallow people.
• Work or study. Something. Need to do something. I realise I have no babyfree time but heck... I'm quite literally losing myself in washing and cleaning and nappy changing.
• Get on top of my emotions. I don't know if its the stress or the depression or the health crap, or maybe all of them combined, but I'm sick of being emotional. I despise weakness and vulnerability lol. And yet here I am cycling from depression to anger with small burts of ok-ness in between. Too many thoughts, too many feelings, its just too much most of the time. I must be terrible to live with lol. Pity my family.
• Maybe play WoW less... maybe. Thats a hard call. It's my escapism lol. At least in WoW I'm leet. :D
  
• Sort out my marriage problems. A toughie. I'm lost as to what the right thing to do is. On the one hand I don't want to be in stress-filled relationship where I feel like crap most of the time, but on the other hand... I like living by myself, all that personal space... but I'm not eager to be a single parent again, certainly not with the two babies. Besides, I can still remember the utter loneliness I felt last time... no thanks.

Wow. An honest post for a change. I was gonna make new years resolution jokes... not sure what went wrong there lol.

I think my main new years resolution should be to simply find my "self" again lol. Such a cliche but true. I want the old easy going, flexible, fun, risk-taking, happy, psycho jo back. She's gotta be around here somewhere lol. Maybe I should check behind the tv where all the other missing things tend to go.

So this is Christmas, and what have you done, another year over, and a new one just begun

Hmm. So thats another christmas and another year gone I guess. Is it just me or does time seem to be speeding up?

Thats my whole blog.

Not much else to say.

Ate too much, drank too much, giggled online too much (apparently lol), talked to the family too much, hid from the family by using the old "must go feed the baby upstairs" excuse too much... basically just did everything too much lol. And now I have a head ache. Although thats probably got something to do with the whole drank-too-much bit.

In other news... I think you were right Kus. A fake woot that feels like a real woot only after beer is added probably has the makings of a fake woot by the end of the day. Wow you Americans aren't so dumb after all, go figure.

Oh and, yeah, my head hurts. Woest me.

... its me, and I can't get myself to go away... unfortunately lol

Check out the newbie @ 3 days old

I guess I've not blogged in a while. The last two months or so have been a tad hectic, what with the unexpected-early-by-almost-8-weeks arrival of the newest addition to our brady bunch-ish brood... the 2kg+... who just hit 3kg, woot!... Alana. Yippee, a girl! If I hadn't just given birth I would have jumped off the bed and given a Tom Cruise on Oprah style woot. You know, the whole jumping up and punching the air "I'm so in love" crap. Only not the love crap, the baby girl crap. So it would have been more like... *jumps up, punches air, and says Yes! No penis!* Imo, the male appendage is way over-rated.

Where was I? Got carried away rambling... shock.

Yes, the baby. Alana. Born. 4 weeks ago last Friday. Damn, we should have had a birthday party for her. Cake, balloons... Noah would have loved it. A monthday party, no a firstmonthday party... or something like that.

Speaking of Noah - he's playing the role of big brother quite well so far. No jealousy really. He's very loving and caring towards the bebe. He's a little TOO interested if you get my point. Constantly wants to hug her, tries to pick her up, tries to give her toys, his bottle, wants to share her dummy... and so on. He even tries to run his toy trains and cars and stuff over her as if she were a train track! Oh and he likes to "help" by pushing her swing faster. "Help". Hmm. But yeah, we don't need a baby monitor cos he hears even the slightest noise she makes and goes off running in the direction of her cot. He's like our little alarm system lol.

Older kids are good too. They were a godsend on the morning that I went into labour and my waters started leaking, like, everywhere, and I kept telling myself that I couldn't be in labour... where was I? Oh yeah, the kids. Thank goodness the kids were here lol, and not at their fathers. It was 7.30am and we were almost ready to leave for school when I started leaking watery shit everywhere. Like, wtf. Childbirth is seriously unpleasant. So my mate Laura who was our scheduled "look after Noah during the birth" person just happened to not be local... she was housesitting up north for her jetsetting mother lol. So my 11 and 8 yr old (thank goodness they're responsible... ish... well the girl is lol, no comment on the sometimes-responsible, sometimes-stupid-and-silly boy) looked after Noah for an hour or so while we raced to the hospital and Laura raced to our house. Eek. If the kids weren't there... omg, Noah in the delivery room... omg... Mind you, the kids got a day off school so they weren't complaining. And they were able to see Alana within minutes of being born (well, ok, maybe 45 mins or so... and it was only through the glass of the special care unit where all the sick and premmy babies go lol). But the point is, they got to see her straight away, ish.

Anyhoo... did I mention the baby was born lol? She was really healthy considering her prematurity - and in childbirth terms, the birth was a breeze. Waters broke at 7.30am, I finally realised at 8am that with constant 5min apart contractions I would have to wake WK up and get to the hospital asap, so we left at 8.05am after WK vomited on the front lawn lol, with lightning speed arrived at the hospital about 8.25... and so on. She was born at 9.25am, woot. Only an hour really. Hour and a half if you count the early labour.

Funny but gross story... I was leaking watery shit everywhere, like, everywhere (I might have mentioned this already lol). I got in the car with only underwear on and my shorts in hand. I actually stood up and put my shorts on after getting out of the car at the hospital front entrance lol. I didn't give a shit who was there and tbh couldn't remember if there was 1 person or 50 people standing there lol. Knowing my luck, probably 50. And then... the slow walk through the hospital, up the lift, etc... the watery crap was running so badly you could literally see my footsteps through the hospital lol. How disgusting is that! Hilarious in retrospect but yeah, gross. When we arrived at the birthing suite, the admin girl behind the desk was someone I knew so the first thing I said was "Oh Sam, I've leaked watery crap all through the lift and the hospital, someone might fall over". Cos yeah, I had a huge leak in the lift lol. Not "blah blah, my name is blah blah and I'm only blah blah weeks pregnant and blah blah". Nope, I told her about the watery womb juice that was spread from one end of the hospital to the other lol. Gross.

So, since the birth... Alana only stayed in the special care unit for 2 weeks despite their whole "she'll be here for a long time" attitude. She was healthy and feeding well so wtf leave her there lol. The midwives basically convinced the doctors of this point and helped us get her home faster. And she's fine, good, growing. Sleeps better than Noah did... actually, some nights she sleeps better than Noah does now lol. I think he has my insomniac genes. Might have to get him some... crap, memory loss, word blank... what are those sleeping pills called again? Meh, you get the point lol.

My health, sigh, is still not quite right. I'm still in the risk zone for blah blah *insert doctor ramble here* and I'm still taking my bp meds. Stupid doctors lol. I have to wait a few weeks and then do the whole barrage of tests and craps again... the same stuff that we do after each pregnancy lol. When are they gonna realise just to give up? Heck. Like I said to a mate yesterday, sometimes I wish this brain tumor would just burst and get it over with. Not that I have a brain tumor lol, but maybe I should. At least that would explain both my health crap AND my occasional psychoticness. Stress, depression... pfft to those! Brain tumor ftw. Sigh. My bad. Apologies blah blah.

Hmm, where was I? Oh yeah, we bought Alana home and have been busy settling her in. Atm I'm trying to do a heap of spring cleaning before christmas hits, but its hard when I only get brief moments of time between all the kids (yes, ALL the kids, WK included) to get things done. For 3 days now all of the furniture has been moved away from walls and everything is picked up and piled up on everything else cos, dammit, I'm gonna clean the walls. I get a bit further in my preparation each day lol, maybe today I'll actually get to start cleaning them lol. I think it'll be 2008 before I'm finished... and I've already told the family that there will be no christmas until its done, no tree, no anything... so maybe I'll save some $$ this year lol.

Sigh. I remember - vaguely - when life was fun and interesting and about more than just cleaning house and changing nappies and breast feeding and driving kids here and there. Oh the memories. :P

Christmas huh. I wish we could afford to go away. Actually, I want to move lol. Somewhere like Perth. That'd be good. I'm into escapism lol. *hands WK job ads for Tasmania and WA and Timbuktu*

On a positive note, Noah's getting some really cool presents this year, including a train set and a big ride-on thomas the tank engine car type of thing. He's gonna literally wee himself with excitement me thinks. I'm still hoping to get the kids a computer (amongst other stuff lol), but not sure hows that coming along. But tbh thats sorta a present for me as well cos it'll get them off my damn computer lol. Woot! And I won't have to put up with my daughter standing over my shoulder every time I do get a chance to sit at the pc... yep she just stands there and "waits". Sigh.

I guess I gtg. Alana's awake and whingey, Noahs trying to pick her up and getting distressed cos I said no... and now he's on WK's computer chair destroying everything on his desk lol. And meanwhile the walls are waiting for me, sigh. I wish I had WK's sleep ability. Just snore and fart and sleep through every sound - fire alarms included - until you've had your sleep quota and you're all refreshed. Sigh.

Fark, in the time it took me to type that paragraph Noah has made the biggest mess lol. More sighs.

I'll make an effort to take a new photo of Alana and post one up here just for you Disso... lol. I'll try anyway - its hard work walking all the way to the car to get the camera, and then recharging the batteries, and then finding time to take a photo and upload it and post it here... see, hard work! :D

meh

Ok so I've been to sunny - very sunny - central queensland and back. Did I mention the "very sunny" bit? Heck it was hot and dry. No earthquakes tho.

Sooo many funny things happened on the way there, the way back, while I was there... *points to Craigsy*... but as per usual I can't quite remember all those great blog ideas now I'm sitting in front of the pc. Sigh.

What I can remember -

• Cows everywhere, namely the one poor sod of cow who had its head stuck out of the side of a cattle truck. As if it were a dog with his head stuck out of the window of a moving car lol. And not on the safe side of the road mind you, but the scary "omg another truck could come past and whack, instant bbq meat" side of the truck. Poor cow. I wanted to keep him.
• Dog hair.. yep, dog hair. Disso has these two beautiful big long haired dogs... and omg you've never seen so much dog hair in your life ever. Still... I'd like a dog lol. Just one a bit smaller and with a lot less hair. A lot less, lol.
  
• The hilariously funny and hilariously gay male flight attendant on the way home. Gosh he was funny... kept telling jokes and little stories and stuff. And then - long story - when we were stuck on the landed plane for an hour just 10metres from the damn terminal... he offered to do a cabaret style dance routine to entertain everyone. Lol. I wish he had... I was gonna video it on my phone lol. Anyhoo, it was one of those "you had to be there type of things" I guess.
• The Rocky hospital has a giant - huge, simple lettering, gigantic - sign that says Rockhampton Hospital at the top of the main building. What the? I'm still trying to work out whether the sign is designed to remind the locals where they are (cos lets face it - inbreeding) or to make sure the helicopters land at the right place (well, the pilots are probably locals too lol). And btw... Rocky's a small ish town and there's only one hospital. Its not like you could get confused. Heck, even the out-in-the-sticks hospital where Disso lives only has a little "normal" hospital sign. It seems as if the miners are smarter than the Rocky locals - and if you've ever met a coal miner, thats a truly amazing feat.
• It was sooo hot and dry one day that as we drove Craigsy around, we kept noticing hoses everywhere. Any stream of water was like some type of mirage'y thing. From kids playing with a hose in their front yard to people watering their driveways and curbs (yep, it seems these country people actually want their cement to grow, I guess they hate mowing)... it was one of those "can't look away" type of things. Argh, give us a hose! In fact, give us YOUR hose now!
  
• I slept sooo much. Like, 12 hours a day. I think I slept more in 3 days than I do in 2 weeks, seriously. And I had all these weird assed twisted dreams, many of which were set in the nearby mining town where I spent a portion of my childhood. I'd wake up and think, wow I should go visit... but, meh, cbf. The dreams were enough lol.
  
• I read a book, two books in fact, but this one book in particular was really good - Life Expectancy by Dean Koontz. I highly recommend it lol. I did cry a few times reading it, but mostly it was just damn well funny. On the book jacket it actually says "horror", but... no way lol. The ending was silly and way too cliche, but thats ok. I never remember the endings of movies/books/etc anyway lol. Give me a month and I'll be like, how did that book end again?
• It "rained" one afternoon, and all the townspeople were talking about the "rain". And I use quotations because this "rain" included about 15mins of wind, 1 thunder clap, no lightning, 3 clouds and about, hmm, 2minutes of spitting rain. Wow. Rain... lol. Shivers, when it rains at home it pours frickin cats and dogs for days on end. That reminds me, I so need to buy a dryer before this next baby arrives by stork... that is what happens, isn't it? Be damned if I'm doing the birth thing again.

*yawns* tired.

I took way too long to write this blog lol. Theres heaps of other stuff but, meh.

I know, I know

Yeah, I've been blog ignorant of late. But its not my fault. I blame, well, everyone and everything except me.

To recap -

• I am still wow addicted. I now have a 70 lock, 70 mage and a 40 priest. Oh, and I just made another character lol, a little lvl 5 rogue. For when I get bored.
  
• Speaking of World of Warcraft, our guild leader Strag made a not so exciting wow video (for a first attempt at a vid it's pretty good lol) and uploaded it to youtube - The Boxer-World of Warcraft
  I mention it here cos my succubus is in it lol. She's one of the whores in old town... so I'm semi famous. My warlock Lileek is even mentioned in the credits, woot!
  
• We're over the scary hump of 28 weeks with this pregnancy... oh and we had an ultrasound yesterday in which it appeared that blob either has 1. a vulva or 2. a really small scrotum and even smaller penis. Either or. It wasn't clear enough to be decisive lol. According to WK the baby has girly lips like Angelina Jolie, so maybe it is a girl. Fingers crossed. Either that or I had a secret affair with Angelina. Meh, anythings possible.
  
• Baby Noah is not really a baby anymore. He's walking and even attempting to run... altho the toddler thing... he falls if he tries to run lol. He says a host of words like mum and dad and laura and toot toot and blll for ball. Oh and Dadada in a singsong voice for Dorothy the dinosaur lol.
  
• WK hasn't divorced me... yet. I'm sure its coming one day lol. I don't think I'd like to live with me - living with my daughter (who's way too much like me) is bad enough. :P
  
• I'm heading up to visit Disso in good ol' sunny central qld soon ish. A holiday in the sticks. Oh well, its not like I can afford to go to Disneyland lol. I mean, Blackwater does have some sort of theme park doesn't it? No? A water park? No? A beach? No? A cool shopping centre? No? A cinema? No? Sigh. Damn, and I've already booked the flights.
  
• Noah still loves Thomas the Tank Engine and the Wiggles... and I'm sick sick SICK of both of them. The Thomas dvds are full of phrases like "if I promise to go slow and take care can I be Edward's back engine?" and "blow harder Percy" and "you wouldn't be laughing if you were stuck in the middle"... point is I can't keep a straight face lol. Yeah yeah, dirty mind and all that. But are the English REALLY that naive they don't notice the double meanings in the Thomas dialogue lol?
  

Speaking of naive and disneyland... I stumbled onto this pic on the Moth's blog. All I can say is "umm". I always knew there was something a little strange about Donald Duck lol.

Homer: I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

I can't stop stumbling... constantly. Stumble stumble stumble.

I think I need help.

I've been sitting here in the one spot stumbling over and over again for about 5 hours.

Help?

Sigh.

http://www.stumbleupon.com

From jokes to silly pictures to satire websites to addictive little online games... I just can't seem to stop.

Bored... boredom... sigh. Should try sleep. Thats what most normal people do isn't it? Doesn't really fit me today lol.

I should have stayed asleep this morning. Such a nice dream... then... reality... argh.

poetry... pfft

Whats with the poetry obsession? I mean, sure art is good and personal expression of crap is good... take out the "of crap"... but, really, I'd rather listen to music or read a funny blog lol.

So here's my useful contribution to the online poetry fest ->

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,
(It will be drunk!)
At home and in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
For ever and ever,
Barmen.

(and yes I stole it... I cbf writing stupid poetry crap)

current top 10 eeky things in the life of me

1. Noah seems to have discovered his manhood all of a sudden. The moment he's naked he stares at his willy like he's never seen it before. Plus he plays with it every chance he gets... its like he's obsessed! He doesn't even play with his toys anymore in the shower, just his "one" toy if you get my meaning lol. What the?

2. Noah is officially booby weaned, yay. Not that I'm gonna get much of a chance to regain "normal" boobs anytime soon... *mutters something about baby blob*... but heck at least I won't be leeched on for a while. Yay, personal space, yay.

3. Our unit is filled with boxes atm, cardboard boxes... we might be moving... damn boxes everywhere!! And not just moving down the street or even to the next suburb - we're considering moving towns. Eeky on its own, but when you add the fact that we'd be moving away from friends but closer to family... now THAT'S an eek!

4. I realised today - while looking at the calendar - that its August, which means its almost Sept... which means its, like, Christmas soon! Holy crap! I think this is what they mean by "christmas in July" lol. You suddenly realise you can't afford Christmas even tho its 5 months away and start to immediately and frantically search for bargains. :P

5. I saw the funniest sight the other day while shopping... remember the Flintstones? No joke, I saw an old woman sitting in a wheelchair, with her feet dangling onto the floor, shuffling the wheelchair along. I swear to god it was an official bedrock wheelchair, minus the stone wheels. Whats the point lol? I wanted to sing the yabadabadooo song Fred-and-Barney-style, but I somehow managed to restrain myself... but only just. Yeah yeah, I know I know... its one of those visual "you had to be there" kind of things but I don't care. Frick it was funny. :P

6....

Ahh fuck it, 5 will do. I'm tired. :P

life huh

As per usual...

• Noah is screaming cos he's not getting his own way. Shock.
• There is housework to do.. washing, vacumming (ooohh I bought a new vacuum cleaner lol, so cool, it actually works!), all the normal crap.
  
• I am sleep deprived, tired, impatient, moody... I've had 2 whole nights sleep in more than a year, its kinda draining lol.
• I have a headache and I feel ill... I swear to god I'm either 1. gonna find a permanent method of contraception or 2. I'm never having sex again. Pregnancy and me just don't mix.
• The Wiggles is on... "having fun at the beach, having fun at the beach"... I wish lol!
  
• I am broke and stressed about money, the future, everything.
• Its 10am and I still haven't had time to shower or get dressed... although I'm blogging aren't I lol. Hmm.
  
• My car is a mess, was due for a clean about 2 weeks ago lol. I don't know how people find the time to do everything - I guess they're not net addicted. :P
• I'm daydreaming about all the things I wish I could do, but stuck with all the things I don't want to be doing lol... like car cleaning!
• I'm daydreaming about all the people I wish I could go visit... but again... money, time, practicality. Sigh. *waves to Disso from here instead*

In other news... my meds are working consistently atm, so I'm foregoing the normal weekly hospital visits for 4 weeks. Yippee. I can see my GP instead for a month, yay. No parking issues, no hospital staff, no huge waiting time, no creepy physician (yep my physician is creepy lol, very touchy feely, eek). Of course I got the warning speech about "blah blah watch our for secondary signs cos the meds will mask the primary symptoms blah blah", but... woot! This baby sooo better be a girl, a nice quiet placid girl. Or I think I may officially go nuts.

OMG...

OMG...

I just found this site - http://www.babyhopes.com/how-to-conceive-a-girl.html

How to conceive a girl... fkkkk its too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frequency and Timing of Intercourse:

Shettles says in order to increase the chances of having a girl, you should have sex every day from the end of your period up to 2 1/2 to 3 days before ovulation. After this point, do not have unprotected sex until several days past ovulation. (hmm, I can't remember back to the conception dammit)
Intercourse further away from ovulation favors the larger slower moving X (girl) sperm. The weaker Y (boy) sperm will die more quickly in the more acidic preovulatory vaginal / cervical secretions and by the time of ovulation there will be a much larger concentration of X (girl) sperm available to fertilize the egg. (so boy sperm is weaker huh... that'd be right!)

Sexual Position:

Shettles suggests that if you are trying to conceive a girl, shallow penetration from your partner, preferably with the missionary position, will deposit the sperm closer to the entrance to the vagina. This area is more acidic than closer to the cervix and acidity will work against the weaker "boy" sperm leaving more "girl" sperm available to fertilize your egg. (umm, ok... am I the only one who finds this eeky?)

Sex and Orgasms:

When trying to conceive a girl, Shettles recommends that you don't orgasm during sex as the body produces substances after orgasm that makes the vaginal environment more alkaline, which favors the "boy" sperm. (what the fk!!!!!!!!! I bet Shettles is a guy!!!)
The contractions which accompany an orgasm help move the sperm up and into the cervix, giving the "boy" sperm an extra chance at being available when your egg is available for fertilization.

Sigh.

Makes me wonder what type of people are THAT gender obsessed that they'd go to this much trouble to try to slightly increase the chance they'd get a girl... or a boy I guess.

I mean, boys... can... be... ok... ish...

Although... if blob's a boy I'm gonna dress him in pink and grow his hair long and put it up in ribbons and call him something like Lily anyway. I've already bought a few pink girly things lol, to kickstart the process. :D

Hey Disso...

... remember this phone convo lol. I found a heap of old blogs today that I'd saved as doc files. From the 2005/2006 era lol.

"Depression is a thinking person's disease. Dumb people don't think and therefore don't self-analyse enough to get depressed."

"Wish I was dumber then."

I spent ages re-reading them all - laughing a lot, crying a bit lol. You know how it goes. So many memories and stuff... I tried to find an old blog to re-post here as a "damn I wish msn didn't delete my old space" complaint thingy, but it was impossible to find the "right" one lol. They were all too steeped in the "then" lol.

But this phone convo... where we came out with all sorts of great one (and not quite one) liners about depression and psychiatrists and stuff... fuck it was funny.

Sigh.

So here's an oldie from May last year then - (I was very, very pregnant at that point lol)

*insert vagueness here*

Despite the fact that I'm a highly intelligent and sensitive being (*cough*), I can't think of a better word to describe my current state of existence than the word VAGUE. I am vague. In fact, I've been so darn vague lately that its not funny.

Vague... indecisive... not "with it"... using words like "thingy" and "thingamajig"... forgetful... or in other words... just plain stupid. :S

VAGUE... defined by urbandictionary.com as... A derogatory adjective used to describe one who is regularly unaware of his/her surroundings, situation etc. often appearing as comical to those bearing witness to such antics.

"Unaware of my surroundings"? Uh huh. Like driving along in a state of blissful ignorance, completely unaware of where you are or where you're going... and add to that the inability to see/pay attention to important things like traffic lights and stop signs and, hello... other cars! Am I the only one with red neon Danger signs flashing in my head right now lol?

"Comical" huh? Grrr. Besides... drive with me and you might not find my vagueness so comical. :P

Here's just a few of the stupid is as stupid does things I've done in the past few days ->

• I had an itch I had to scratch. Sounds normal doesn't it. You itch, you automatically scratch, without thinking about it. The only problem was that I had WK's PSP in my hands at the time cos I was playing a game. I literally dropped it to scratch myself. I just let it go lol. Eek. It was like my body forgot I was holding it or something.
  
• A day or two later I’m parked at traffic lights with my indicator on, ready to turn left. The lights go green… I somehow drive straight ahead while pointing vaguely at the left turn (indicator still on) and saying out loud, “I’m spose to go that way…” I knew I was turning left, I was ready to turn left… and for some unknown reason I drove straight ahead. Another eek.
  
• And now look... I can't even friggin remember the other stupid stuff I've done. Oh well... further proof of my idiotic vagueness I guess.

Disso and I also had a rather long and random phone convo the other night/early morning. I just thought I’d share some of our oh-so-important theorizing with the world, since we’re such great thinkers and all…

Decipher them if you want to, but its basically one of those "you had to be there" type of things. Excuse the swearing if its bugs you. :D

Dumb fucks don't get it... mental illness I mean.
In fact, dumb fucks are happy fucks. It’s impossible for a dumb fuck to be mentally ill cos that’s where sanity comes from – stupidity.
Depression is a thinking person's disease. Dumb people don't think and therefore don't get depressed.
Why can't I have a REAL mental illness? One with delusions and hallucinations and all the fun stuff.
What do pyschiatrists know anyway? They're just people with an education after all.

LOL

*yawns*

Holy fruck I'm tired today. Pretty much no sleep at all last night, and hardly any the night before. The baby's been really sick, all of which escalated last night and led to an emergency dash to the hospital in the middle of the night.

The nighttime staff saw a screaming, uncontrollable, difficult, tantrum-throwing little shit who wouldn't let them take his temperature or feel his stomach or basically even look at him sideways.

Then some smart doctor suggested we don't give him any milk... it seems that babies can develop secondary infections in the gut when they have the measles, and its the heavy milk that is most upsetting for them... so 4 milkless hours later.... the daytime staff saw a nice happy responsive little boy who smiled and giggled during examination. I'm sure they were secretly thinking that perhaps the nightstaff need to work on their bed manner or something lol. Talk about Jekyl and Hyde. Shivers.

So we're home again... and for those who need to know there's only been one diahhrea (how the fk do you actually spell that word?) since mid-morning. And trust me, thats a big yay. No screaming in pain either. Another yay.

Heck, right now the little drama queen is in the shower with his brother, giggling and laughing. While WK sleeps. And I feel like death. Whats with that.

In other news... I'm annoyed too. The holidays are officially over today/this weekend, and I didn't get to do half the stuff I wanted/planned on doing. Another 'whats with that' moment.

The official "didn't get to do it, damn" list:

• take the kids to the movies to see Transformers, or to the beach for fish and chips... or basically anyway holiday-ish lol
• have our "pretend honeymoon" day (grr, I need that atm)
• have my peaceful weekend, my alone time... WK was gonna take Noah to Bris Vegas for the wkend to stay at his dad's house. Can you imagine the relaxation time I'd get? The peace? I'm drooling just thinking about sleeping in lol.
• drive up to visit my mother in Bundy and pick up our damn second carseat... long story lol... so frustrating without it!
• go to the beach by myself... sit on the dunes, relax, think, sleep... lol. If only.
• catch up on the housework (and car cleaning!) after the wedding and Noah's measles etc *pulls a face*
• sort thru the wedding photos, get Laura's dress drycleaned... a heap of post-wedding stuff lol
• catch up with the Moth today or something before the hols finish and he and his family head home from their refresher "yay i'm back in civilisation" holiday... and not just so I can get the dvd he "owes" me (I'm not that self-absorbed... I swear... I also wanted to make fun of his "aww maybe I'm not an athiest after all" turn around LOL)

Sigh. I really wish I was a superhero sometimes... or a villian... same thing really. I wish I had this awesome power where I could halt time around me. Like when you're sitting on the beach relaxing, or enjoying catching up with a friend. Halt time for a while. Maybe then I would have managed to get through at least some of the things on my "wish I did" list.

Hmm, maybe its cos I haven't had sex in a while or something but... the whole power to halt time thing... I'm having interesting visuals of "sex in public" scenarios. I'm a bad, bad person lol. With an active imagination. Wheres that msn angel emote when you need it?

ffs

Was I a really bad person in a former life? Or do I just have bad karma lol?

It turns out Noah's been sick and whingey the last 4 or 5 days cos the little pest has got the damn freaking MEASLES!

What the? Spots started appearing yesterday and then this morning he was covered. Grrr.

I think he's a drama queen lol - one thing after another. He's only just 1 and he's already had stitches, antibiotics, middle of the night ambulance visit, viruses... and now the measles! Must be in the genes lol. *points to WK*

So the whole "relaxing" day thing is off. Sigh. At home looking after whingey poo bum instead... and yes I mean Noah lol. The other whingey poo bum can look after himself for a change. :p

i think i'm too tired to blog

... so I'm gonna make this short and sweet.

Two blogworthy points:

1. today sucked. stressful. hospital visit... saw the physician who looks after me and my health as opposed to the obstetrician who's in charge of the fetus. not pleasant - what with the serious discussion and all lol. long story involving the fact that I think I'm allergic to pregnancy lol. or maybe I'm just allergic to children, hehe. *fingers crossed for little Blobby* yes I realise we need to plan for all types of outcomes, yes I realise this is a high risk pregnancy, and yes I realise the "no more babies" thing lol. but seriously, we're 16 weeks already and things aren't going that badly! Blob's still here and I'm still breathing ffs!

... and cos today was so sucky...

2. we're gonna do the whole fun newlyweds "pretend we're on a honeymoon" thing tomorrow and forget about all the stress of uni and money and blob and, well, everything. go out for breakfast... go for a walk on the beach... hopefully catch a daytime movie... spend money we dont have lol. yay. Noah better damn well behave or it'll be all grrr'y. :P

See? I'm too tired to even use capital letters or punctuation lol.

Meh, whatever.

*roars*

Ok ok... all that Craigsy gaybo gbf astrological crap last weekend (long story lol) got me thinking about what it means to be a Leo. Cos, yeah, I'm not into astrology but its scary just how stereotypically Leo I am.

This info comes from a variety of net sources - I've lost track lol.

Positive traits: Loyal and honest, expansive, generous and caring, house proud, lively, flamboyant, self sacrificing, responsible, takes others at face value, dignified and friendly.
Negative traits: Too much pride, sulky, smug and boastful, likes to keep up appearances, obstinate, arrogant, willful and cold hearted when hurt or upset.

Greatest Strength: Your playful and loving nature
Possible Weakness: Pride/ego

Hmm, yes, so far thats basically all true. Arrogant, obstinate, willful, cold hearted - man I sound nasty lol.

Interesting...
From, I dunno, some website
Leo's are born fortunate (wtf? have you not seen my family?).
Charismatic and positive-thinking they attract not only an abundance of friends and opportunities, but manage to survive life's stormy times with style and good humour (no comment lol).
Once a Lion is committed to a relationship, they are totally devoted and faithful. Should their heart or trust be broken they never forgive or forget (yep, I call it "holding a grudge" :P).
When a relationship breaks down they can disappear into the sunset without a backward look. (omg... its like they're talking about my first marriage lol)
Leos can cut ties, and leave others heartbroken, but usually there is a good reason why they have broken a tryst. For a Leo, when a relationship is over, really over, it is over for good.
(And this is where it gets really interesting ->)
There are three levels of soul-evolution of the Leos:
1. The highest is represented by the Sphinx; wise beyond their years and great teachers to others.
2. The second is the Lion, King of the Jungle, ruled by ego but always protective and sustaining of those they love.
3. The last is the Lion Cub, immature and undeveloped, frightened by anything new. These Leos cling to others (in the mode of the child not wanting to leave its mother's side).) They can't bear to be alone.
No matter what level they have attained, all Leos are trendsetters, leaders and adventurers. Their weakness is their pride. This is one sign where the saying "flattery will get you everything" applies, but be warned criticism will slam the relationship door right in your face (lol, too true!).

So I have an evolving soul huh? Hmm.
I guess I'm not a Sphynx cos I aint that wise lol. Plus "sphynx" refers to the waxing of the ass. So I wouldn't want to be that anyway - sheesh.
I guess I'm not a Lion Cub either cos I'm certainly not a frightened little mummy's boy... or girl... whatever.
So that leaves the Lion I guess. Ego... protective of loved ones... yep, yep. Sigh. How boring.
Give me something I don't know dammit!

So I'm a lion then. *roars quietly cos its still early*