Whoever first said that honesty is over-rated wasn't kidding... oh wait, that was probably me. To be honest, to share secrets, to share your hidden self... who the fuck does that.
Reverse time... 12 hrs ago... I begin to engage in an open and honest conversation with my husband about the past, the present, the future.
12 hours later... I still can't think straight. But now I can't think straight knowing that he's not happy, our marriage is not fulfilling to him, he doesn't care enough about me or us or anything basically to even make an effort. All this time I've been punishing myself, judging myself, dying on the inside, becoming this woest-me-emo person, thinking it was just my depression talking, that of course he loved me he just didn't know how to show it or how to communicate, that sort of thing. But nope. Turns out all those negative self thoughts I had about myself where spot on. Go figure.
"I know I love you but I don't feel it" is a cop out.
"I love you but I just don't care enough", another cop out.
A relationship can not be a success if the two people involved are not being their authentic true selves. A relationship can not be a success if you're only in it for the children or the money or the social standing or whatever other excuses people make. A relationship can not be a success if one or the other person is still in love with an ex, or at the very least, hasn't moved on properly. A relationship can not be a success unless the two people idolise each other, want each other, need each other, have that whole love forever deep soul bond thing working. (I've seen relationships like this so I know that they exist god dammit). And if you're not compatible, if you're not committed to the relationship, if you don't make an active, free choice to be in that relationship, if you don't CARE about it... well. Fail.
Fact is, there is something about me that is missing. I don't have that thing that people have. I don't even know what that thing is. All I know is I don't have it. I've had three primary relationships in my life.... I leave one marriage thinking I was the most selfish biatch in the world, only to have him admit afterwards that he didn't love me anyway. I meet Mr Perfect and fall madly in love, only Mr Perfect has a wife and kids, uses me for a bit then ditches me, of course. Then I get into marriage #2, only to discover two children later that he doesn't care either. I don't have that thing. People "care" but not enough to actually care. I lack in the long term wantability stakes. There is nothing about me that... oh I don't know. I just suck at life I think. I'm a half person who is incapable of being anything else.
I blame my mother. Lol.
Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Get on the couch and blame our mothers?
Go Freud.
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