pearls of wisdom

"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."


3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."


4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


5. You should not confuse your career with your life.


6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


7. Never lick a steak knife.


8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.


9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.


12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.


13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)


14. Your friends love you anyway.

oh yay, woot, go me, another fucking year older *rolls eyes*

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me...
cos if I don't fucking say it no one else will.

LOL

Meh. Over-rated.

am I the only one who's noticed lifes not like it is in the movies?

Ok, so unfortunately my birthday's coming up again. Whats with that. Its so frequent it feels like it comes around annually, sheesh.


So here's my birthday wish list:

• Peace - not world peace, just Noah peace. Little pest whinges, cries, screams, demands... like... at least 12 hours a day. At least! I know you don't have to like your children every moment of every day, but its starting to get ridiculous lol.
  
• Sleep - I don't even know what this word means anymore, but I'd still like some. :P
  
• Love - I always think back to my ex-inlaws marriage. Neither of them were perfect people but they shared this intense love and respect and it was never more obvious than at birthdays/christmas's etc. Not a single gift giving moment went by without Roy giving Jan a piece of jewellery (or something similar)... some singular act that was always presented in a romantic way in front of everyone... which had no purpose except to say I love you. It wasn't the jewellery that was the point, it was the way it was given. She was his princess, you know... and he always made her feel girly special, if that makes sense. Makes me sad. He passed away a couple of years ago. :(

I dunno, for me personally... I don't get the whole birthday thing. Its just a day lol, and it passes just like any other. I guess you get an excuse to eat cake, but thats about it. :P

I think the reason people get more depressed at christmas/birthdays is because they EXPECT it to be different. Expectations lead to disappointment, which leads to negative analysis of your life and your self, and hence... depression. So its an easy solution really - no expectation, no depression. Simple.

I was married/engaged to the one person for 15 years. 15 frickin years. And I received one actual gift in all that time lol. And no, boring practical things like "oh the iron doesn't work anymore, so we'll buy a new one and I'll wrap it and the kids will think they're giving me a present" doesn't count. He's since moved on to his new gf and gives her super cool presents at every turn, just like his father gave to his mother... like that beautiful watch... grrr. At least he learned something from our failed marriage. But dammit, maybe I wanted a watch lol!!!

So - the point is - if you don't expect people to treat you "special" on your birthday, then you don't get let down. I guess its something you learn as a kid when your family life is fked lol. Actually I apply the same logic to every interaction I have with my parents, so I know it works. :P

So here's hoping I'll be sick on my birthday and sleep for the whole 24 hours. I think its the only way I'm gonna get some of my wishes in lol. *fingers crossed*

life huh

As per usual...

• Noah is screaming cos he's not getting his own way. Shock.
• There is housework to do.. washing, vacumming (ooohh I bought a new vacuum cleaner lol, so cool, it actually works!), all the normal crap.
  
• I am sleep deprived, tired, impatient, moody... I've had 2 whole nights sleep in more than a year, its kinda draining lol.
• I have a headache and I feel ill... I swear to god I'm either 1. gonna find a permanent method of contraception or 2. I'm never having sex again. Pregnancy and me just don't mix.
• The Wiggles is on... "having fun at the beach, having fun at the beach"... I wish lol!
  
• I am broke and stressed about money, the future, everything.
• Its 10am and I still haven't had time to shower or get dressed... although I'm blogging aren't I lol. Hmm.
  
• My car is a mess, was due for a clean about 2 weeks ago lol. I don't know how people find the time to do everything - I guess they're not net addicted. :P
• I'm daydreaming about all the things I wish I could do, but stuck with all the things I don't want to be doing lol... like car cleaning!
• I'm daydreaming about all the people I wish I could go visit... but again... money, time, practicality. Sigh. *waves to Disso from here instead*

In other news... my meds are working consistently atm, so I'm foregoing the normal weekly hospital visits for 4 weeks. Yippee. I can see my GP instead for a month, yay. No parking issues, no hospital staff, no huge waiting time, no creepy physician (yep my physician is creepy lol, very touchy feely, eek). Of course I got the warning speech about "blah blah watch our for secondary signs cos the meds will mask the primary symptoms blah blah", but... woot! This baby sooo better be a girl, a nice quiet placid girl. Or I think I may officially go nuts.

OMG...

OMG...

I just found this site - http://www.babyhopes.com/how-to-conceive-a-girl.html

How to conceive a girl... fkkkk its too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frequency and Timing of Intercourse:

Shettles says in order to increase the chances of having a girl, you should have sex every day from the end of your period up to 2 1/2 to 3 days before ovulation. After this point, do not have unprotected sex until several days past ovulation. (hmm, I can't remember back to the conception dammit)
Intercourse further away from ovulation favors the larger slower moving X (girl) sperm. The weaker Y (boy) sperm will die more quickly in the more acidic preovulatory vaginal / cervical secretions and by the time of ovulation there will be a much larger concentration of X (girl) sperm available to fertilize the egg. (so boy sperm is weaker huh... that'd be right!)

Sexual Position:

Shettles suggests that if you are trying to conceive a girl, shallow penetration from your partner, preferably with the missionary position, will deposit the sperm closer to the entrance to the vagina. This area is more acidic than closer to the cervix and acidity will work against the weaker "boy" sperm leaving more "girl" sperm available to fertilize your egg. (umm, ok... am I the only one who finds this eeky?)

Sex and Orgasms:

When trying to conceive a girl, Shettles recommends that you don't orgasm during sex as the body produces substances after orgasm that makes the vaginal environment more alkaline, which favors the "boy" sperm. (what the fk!!!!!!!!! I bet Shettles is a guy!!!)
The contractions which accompany an orgasm help move the sperm up and into the cervix, giving the "boy" sperm an extra chance at being available when your egg is available for fertilization.

Sigh.

Makes me wonder what type of people are THAT gender obsessed that they'd go to this much trouble to try to slightly increase the chance they'd get a girl... or a boy I guess.

I mean, boys... can... be... ok... ish...

Although... if blob's a boy I'm gonna dress him in pink and grow his hair long and put it up in ribbons and call him something like Lily anyway. I've already bought a few pink girly things lol, to kickstart the process. :D

a... mik

Mika's a funny funny songwriter. Here's just a snippet of the bits that make me almost pmsl -

Oh Billy Brown had lived an ordinary life.
Two kids, a dog, and a cautionary wife.
While it was all going according to plan
Then Billy Brown fell in love with another man.
And its the slow, nice, love song melody that makes it even funnier... poor Billy Brown. And poor Billy Brown's wife!

Sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
I don't get it! Message: suck on a lollipop so that love doesn't get you down? Heck. *runs out to buy lollipops*

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
Ive gone identity mad!
Hehe. Like that song.

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said "Hey girl, you are beautiful."
Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful!"
You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman needs a whole lot more
Lol. If WK sings this song to me one more time I'm gonna whack him over the head with my big shovel and bury his big ass in a big hole, grr.

My mate Johnny's a looker
His habit is a one night stand
he would walk the streets in the usual way
Oh, what a pretty man
My mate Johnny was a lover
He fell for the girl next door
she said Johnny I can't be with you
You're pretty but you're also a bore
Finding love was not so easy
Cause people thought that he was too peculiar
So what was left for poor old Johnny
At least he found out that Jesus loves ya
Holy
Well he once was a whore
Now hes a priest at 24
'Cause he's holy
And he wanted the most
Now he's left with Holy Ghost
I prayed for johnny but now johnny prays for me
I prayed for johnny but now johnny prays for me
Holy Johnny... lol.

Sigh. I'm music obsessed. Is there a cure for having an obsessive personality? I get obsessive about everything lol. Even people sometimes. Damn people. Life would be better if there were no people in it... although I'm not sure how that'd work.
In a perfect, ideal world... eek. What a thought. For starters I'd have a nanny and a maid lol. And money.
The people around me would love me and value me and protect me... hmm. A posse of "Joey's a legend" people would be nice. Although that might get boring after a while I guess.
Oh I know what else - I'd have my body back. And my boobs. That'd be good lol.
Oh, and I'd have access to a time machine, so everytime I made a mistake I could go back and correct it lol. Sigh.
I know, I know, I'm being all superficial and self-absorbed but I'm daydreaming about MY perfect world lol, so nick off.

rolling down the sandhills... running up the sandhills... rolling down the sandhills... my god will they just make up their minds!

What is with the Wiggles. Seriously.

They act stupid on stage, their music is sooo cliche its not funny, they try to stir up the audience (note: the audience of VERY YOUNG CHILDREN) with Americanised, overly patriotic "helllloooo sydddney" type of onstage hype, they mispronounce common words like "ballet" and "baton" all the damn time, and most of the time their supporting cast of singers, musicians, dancers and, yep even the dressup animals, seem to have more talent and on-stage presence than the Wiggles themselves.

And - come on - a rose loving green dinosaur with yellow spots who does ballet? A naughty pirate who makes Captn Jack look sane? A boring brown dog who really does nothing at all? A purple octopus who wears a tie and hat and somehow manages to survive on land? A purple wiggle who 1. gets lost all the time and 2. falls asleep on the spot as if he has some sort of disorder? A yellow wiggle who seems to have had a full personality/body/face lift, as well as a name change from Greg to Sam? A red wiggle who looks more like a skinny crim on crack than an entertainer? And the blue wiggle - Anthony - who grins at the kids and talks in the most annoying over the top voice I think I've ever heard?

COME ON!

Yeah yeah, I could always not buy/burn the dvds for Noah, but... still... he likes it lol. A lot!

Do I have a point? NO! But when you've listened to the same "everyone's waving to Dorothy" dvd for about 5 hours straight, you start to really really really really dislike not just the Wiggles but the colours yellow, blue, red and purple in general.

Perhaps I need to get him a second dvd for my own sanity lol, altho then I'd have two different wiggles shows in my head. Arrgh. There's no escape!

quotes of the day...

"why can't you just be a normal woman and stop wanting sex after you get married?"
... umm... no

"they're not just trackpants, they're warm winter pants... surely that means I can wear them in public"
... umm... no

"oh so when you say 'whatever, its your choice' you actually mean 'I'll give you a choice but only cos I know you'll do what I want, and if you don't do what I want, then I'll just negate the your choice bit and tell you what to do anyway, either way its my decision not yours'."
... umm... yes

"whats worse, me farting in your car or me getting bowel cancer *insert my silence here* oh great you'd rather me get cancer??"
... umm... maybe... depends.... probably

"so what are you thinking about right now... oh it better not be wow!"
... umm... no comment :P

Hey Disso...

... remember this phone convo lol. I found a heap of old blogs today that I'd saved as doc files. From the 2005/2006 era lol.

"Depression is a thinking person's disease. Dumb people don't think and therefore don't self-analyse enough to get depressed."

"Wish I was dumber then."

I spent ages re-reading them all - laughing a lot, crying a bit lol. You know how it goes. So many memories and stuff... I tried to find an old blog to re-post here as a "damn I wish msn didn't delete my old space" complaint thingy, but it was impossible to find the "right" one lol. They were all too steeped in the "then" lol.

But this phone convo... where we came out with all sorts of great one (and not quite one) liners about depression and psychiatrists and stuff... fuck it was funny.

Sigh.

So here's an oldie from May last year then - (I was very, very pregnant at that point lol)

*insert vagueness here*

Despite the fact that I'm a highly intelligent and sensitive being (*cough*), I can't think of a better word to describe my current state of existence than the word VAGUE. I am vague. In fact, I've been so darn vague lately that its not funny.

Vague... indecisive... not "with it"... using words like "thingy" and "thingamajig"... forgetful... or in other words... just plain stupid. :S

VAGUE... defined by urbandictionary.com as... A derogatory adjective used to describe one who is regularly unaware of his/her surroundings, situation etc. often appearing as comical to those bearing witness to such antics.

"Unaware of my surroundings"? Uh huh. Like driving along in a state of blissful ignorance, completely unaware of where you are or where you're going... and add to that the inability to see/pay attention to important things like traffic lights and stop signs and, hello... other cars! Am I the only one with red neon Danger signs flashing in my head right now lol?

"Comical" huh? Grrr. Besides... drive with me and you might not find my vagueness so comical. :P

Here's just a few of the stupid is as stupid does things I've done in the past few days ->

• I had an itch I had to scratch. Sounds normal doesn't it. You itch, you automatically scratch, without thinking about it. The only problem was that I had WK's PSP in my hands at the time cos I was playing a game. I literally dropped it to scratch myself. I just let it go lol. Eek. It was like my body forgot I was holding it or something.
  
• A day or two later I’m parked at traffic lights with my indicator on, ready to turn left. The lights go green… I somehow drive straight ahead while pointing vaguely at the left turn (indicator still on) and saying out loud, “I’m spose to go that way…” I knew I was turning left, I was ready to turn left… and for some unknown reason I drove straight ahead. Another eek.
  
• And now look... I can't even friggin remember the other stupid stuff I've done. Oh well... further proof of my idiotic vagueness I guess.

Disso and I also had a rather long and random phone convo the other night/early morning. I just thought I’d share some of our oh-so-important theorizing with the world, since we’re such great thinkers and all…

Decipher them if you want to, but its basically one of those "you had to be there" type of things. Excuse the swearing if its bugs you. :D

Dumb fucks don't get it... mental illness I mean.
In fact, dumb fucks are happy fucks. It’s impossible for a dumb fuck to be mentally ill cos that’s where sanity comes from – stupidity.
Depression is a thinking person's disease. Dumb people don't think and therefore don't get depressed.
Why can't I have a REAL mental illness? One with delusions and hallucinations and all the fun stuff.
What do pyschiatrists know anyway? They're just people with an education after all.

LOL

*yawns*

Holy fruck I'm tired today. Pretty much no sleep at all last night, and hardly any the night before. The baby's been really sick, all of which escalated last night and led to an emergency dash to the hospital in the middle of the night.

The nighttime staff saw a screaming, uncontrollable, difficult, tantrum-throwing little shit who wouldn't let them take his temperature or feel his stomach or basically even look at him sideways.

Then some smart doctor suggested we don't give him any milk... it seems that babies can develop secondary infections in the gut when they have the measles, and its the heavy milk that is most upsetting for them... so 4 milkless hours later.... the daytime staff saw a nice happy responsive little boy who smiled and giggled during examination. I'm sure they were secretly thinking that perhaps the nightstaff need to work on their bed manner or something lol. Talk about Jekyl and Hyde. Shivers.

So we're home again... and for those who need to know there's only been one diahhrea (how the fk do you actually spell that word?) since mid-morning. And trust me, thats a big yay. No screaming in pain either. Another yay.

Heck, right now the little drama queen is in the shower with his brother, giggling and laughing. While WK sleeps. And I feel like death. Whats with that.

In other news... I'm annoyed too. The holidays are officially over today/this weekend, and I didn't get to do half the stuff I wanted/planned on doing. Another 'whats with that' moment.

The official "didn't get to do it, damn" list:

• take the kids to the movies to see Transformers, or to the beach for fish and chips... or basically anyway holiday-ish lol
• have our "pretend honeymoon" day (grr, I need that atm)
• have my peaceful weekend, my alone time... WK was gonna take Noah to Bris Vegas for the wkend to stay at his dad's house. Can you imagine the relaxation time I'd get? The peace? I'm drooling just thinking about sleeping in lol.
• drive up to visit my mother in Bundy and pick up our damn second carseat... long story lol... so frustrating without it!
• go to the beach by myself... sit on the dunes, relax, think, sleep... lol. If only.
• catch up on the housework (and car cleaning!) after the wedding and Noah's measles etc *pulls a face*
• sort thru the wedding photos, get Laura's dress drycleaned... a heap of post-wedding stuff lol
• catch up with the Moth today or something before the hols finish and he and his family head home from their refresher "yay i'm back in civilisation" holiday... and not just so I can get the dvd he "owes" me (I'm not that self-absorbed... I swear... I also wanted to make fun of his "aww maybe I'm not an athiest after all" turn around LOL)

Sigh. I really wish I was a superhero sometimes... or a villian... same thing really. I wish I had this awesome power where I could halt time around me. Like when you're sitting on the beach relaxing, or enjoying catching up with a friend. Halt time for a while. Maybe then I would have managed to get through at least some of the things on my "wish I did" list.

Hmm, maybe its cos I haven't had sex in a while or something but... the whole power to halt time thing... I'm having interesting visuals of "sex in public" scenarios. I'm a bad, bad person lol. With an active imagination. Wheres that msn angel emote when you need it?