Ok I deleted this post on the grounds that it suggests I'm a dick. I shall leave the ending only lol.
Who knows what could happen, do what you do, just keep on laughing, one thing's true, there's always a brand new day, I'm gonna live today like it's my last day
Step 1 in this glorious new plan... go to freakin bed so that I at least have the darn energy to live today like its my last day lol. *yawns*
Step 2... buy a new cd. Lol.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
LOL... not a shock...
The Five Love Languages Quiz huh...
http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp
Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bilingual (you have two primary love languages). If the scores of your primary and your secondary language are close (for example, 10 & 9 respectfully), it indicates both are important to you. Whatever a significant other does to express love in either of these languages will get emotional points with you. The highest possible score for any language is 12.
Having a clear picture of your primary & secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior Think back over the past and ask yourself "What have I most often requested from significant others?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary & secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love.
Yes... you're right Kus... I maxed out the points for Physical Touch. I am a 'ho. Here's the proof!! Actually, that sorta explains why I like the song that JUST coincidentally came on.
I wanna lock you up in my closet when no one's around... you make me so hot, make me wanna drop... I can hardly breathe, you make me wanna scream... I will let you do anything, again and again... hold me, love me, don't ever go...
Yep, 'ho material. Lucky I fixed that damn vibrator. BBL.
http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp
| Score | Love Language |
| 8 | Words of Affirmation |
| 8 | Quality Time |
| 2 | Receiving of Gifts |
| 0 | Acts of Service |
| 12 | Physical Touch |
Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bilingual (you have two primary love languages). If the scores of your primary and your secondary language are close (for example, 10 & 9 respectfully), it indicates both are important to you. Whatever a significant other does to express love in either of these languages will get emotional points with you. The highest possible score for any language is 12.
Having a clear picture of your primary & secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior Think back over the past and ask yourself "What have I most often requested from significant others?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary & secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love.
Yes... you're right Kus... I maxed out the points for Physical Touch. I am a 'ho. Here's the proof!! Actually, that sorta explains why I like the song that JUST coincidentally came on.
I wanna lock you up in my closet when no one's around... you make me so hot, make me wanna drop... I can hardly breathe, you make me wanna scream... I will let you do anything, again and again... hold me, love me, don't ever go...
Yep, 'ho material. Lucky I fixed that damn vibrator. BBL.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
WTB a baby daughter who doesn't fart so bad that I can't breathe when she's on my lap
Ok I apologise for the woest me'ness of the previous blog. I was just pissed. And not the good sort of pissed, not the oh my god I'm so drunk I have to pee in the back yard type of pissed. Just good old fashioned anger.
Life goes on you know, except of course in those cases, where, well, it doesn't. Um. Yeah. Anyway, I am woman, hear me roar.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about my marriage. I think perhaps I expect too much, maybe its an ego thing, maybe I really am too selfish. But I want it all, not half of it. I want to love and be loved. I want to value someone and be valued in return. No, scrap that. IF I'm in a relationship thats what I want. I'm starting to wonder whether perhaps I'm just the type of person who should be single, on my own, Miss Independent... keep your distance... or however that song goes. It's easier to be single I think, to be emotionally unattached. No expectations, no disappointment, no pain. And no I'm not all stupid depressed, I'm just being rational.
Was my marriage a mistake? Sometimes I think maybe it was, its hard to say. We're not very compatible communication wise, personality wise, any wise... but I look into the smiling faces (heck even the midnight tantrum faces!!) of my children and I know without a doubt that I don't regret it. Whatever happens, my life has been enriched by these two kids. I was not supposed to be able to carry to term, I was not supposed to be able to have more babies... but here are two of them. So fuck fate, fuck all that "whats meant to be" bullshit. I don't think everything happens for a reason but I DO think you're wise to find a reason in everything that happens.
Alana and Noah, and Laura and Zac (but they're older and don't need me as much), are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I'm tempted to include my latest wow addiction here... my desire to get exalted with the newest faction... but I'm being... good... Fact is, I have my children, I have friends close by who support me, and I have long distance friends who try to listen to my rambling bullshit and not get too annoyed with me lol. Fuck the rest of the world.
Like I said, I am woman, hear me roar.
Life goes on you know, except of course in those cases, where, well, it doesn't. Um. Yeah. Anyway, I am woman, hear me roar.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about my marriage. I think perhaps I expect too much, maybe its an ego thing, maybe I really am too selfish. But I want it all, not half of it. I want to love and be loved. I want to value someone and be valued in return. No, scrap that. IF I'm in a relationship thats what I want. I'm starting to wonder whether perhaps I'm just the type of person who should be single, on my own, Miss Independent... keep your distance... or however that song goes. It's easier to be single I think, to be emotionally unattached. No expectations, no disappointment, no pain. And no I'm not all stupid depressed, I'm just being rational.
Was my marriage a mistake? Sometimes I think maybe it was, its hard to say. We're not very compatible communication wise, personality wise, any wise... but I look into the smiling faces (heck even the midnight tantrum faces!!) of my children and I know without a doubt that I don't regret it. Whatever happens, my life has been enriched by these two kids. I was not supposed to be able to carry to term, I was not supposed to be able to have more babies... but here are two of them. So fuck fate, fuck all that "whats meant to be" bullshit. I don't think everything happens for a reason but I DO think you're wise to find a reason in everything that happens.
Alana and Noah, and Laura and Zac (but they're older and don't need me as much), are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I'm tempted to include my latest wow addiction here... my desire to get exalted with the newest faction... but I'm being... good... Fact is, I have my children, I have friends close by who support me, and I have long distance friends who try to listen to my rambling bullshit and not get too annoyed with me lol. Fuck the rest of the world.
Like I said, I am woman, hear me roar.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
so its official, I suck at life
Whoever first said that honesty is over-rated wasn't kidding... oh wait, that was probably me. To be honest, to share secrets, to share your hidden self... who the fuck does that.
Reverse time... 12 hrs ago... I begin to engage in an open and honest conversation with my husband about the past, the present, the future.
12 hours later... I still can't think straight. But now I can't think straight knowing that he's not happy, our marriage is not fulfilling to him, he doesn't care enough about me or us or anything basically to even make an effort. All this time I've been punishing myself, judging myself, dying on the inside, becoming this woest-me-emo person, thinking it was just my depression talking, that of course he loved me he just didn't know how to show it or how to communicate, that sort of thing. But nope. Turns out all those negative self thoughts I had about myself where spot on. Go figure.
"I know I love you but I don't feel it" is a cop out.
"I love you but I just don't care enough", another cop out.
A relationship can not be a success if the two people involved are not being their authentic true selves. A relationship can not be a success if you're only in it for the children or the money or the social standing or whatever other excuses people make. A relationship can not be a success if one or the other person is still in love with an ex, or at the very least, hasn't moved on properly. A relationship can not be a success unless the two people idolise each other, want each other, need each other, have that whole love forever deep soul bond thing working. (I've seen relationships like this so I know that they exist god dammit). And if you're not compatible, if you're not committed to the relationship, if you don't make an active, free choice to be in that relationship, if you don't CARE about it... well. Fail.
Fact is, there is something about me that is missing. I don't have that thing that people have. I don't even know what that thing is. All I know is I don't have it. I've had three primary relationships in my life.... I leave one marriage thinking I was the most selfish biatch in the world, only to have him admit afterwards that he didn't love me anyway. I meet Mr Perfect and fall madly in love, only Mr Perfect has a wife and kids, uses me for a bit then ditches me, of course. Then I get into marriage #2, only to discover two children later that he doesn't care either. I don't have that thing. People "care" but not enough to actually care. I lack in the long term wantability stakes. There is nothing about me that... oh I don't know. I just suck at life I think. I'm a half person who is incapable of being anything else.
I blame my mother. Lol.
Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Get on the couch and blame our mothers?
Go Freud.
Reverse time... 12 hrs ago... I begin to engage in an open and honest conversation with my husband about the past, the present, the future.
12 hours later... I still can't think straight. But now I can't think straight knowing that he's not happy, our marriage is not fulfilling to him, he doesn't care enough about me or us or anything basically to even make an effort. All this time I've been punishing myself, judging myself, dying on the inside, becoming this woest-me-emo person, thinking it was just my depression talking, that of course he loved me he just didn't know how to show it or how to communicate, that sort of thing. But nope. Turns out all those negative self thoughts I had about myself where spot on. Go figure.
"I know I love you but I don't feel it" is a cop out.
"I love you but I just don't care enough", another cop out.
A relationship can not be a success if the two people involved are not being their authentic true selves. A relationship can not be a success if you're only in it for the children or the money or the social standing or whatever other excuses people make. A relationship can not be a success if one or the other person is still in love with an ex, or at the very least, hasn't moved on properly. A relationship can not be a success unless the two people idolise each other, want each other, need each other, have that whole love forever deep soul bond thing working. (I've seen relationships like this so I know that they exist god dammit). And if you're not compatible, if you're not committed to the relationship, if you don't make an active, free choice to be in that relationship, if you don't CARE about it... well. Fail.
Fact is, there is something about me that is missing. I don't have that thing that people have. I don't even know what that thing is. All I know is I don't have it. I've had three primary relationships in my life.... I leave one marriage thinking I was the most selfish biatch in the world, only to have him admit afterwards that he didn't love me anyway. I meet Mr Perfect and fall madly in love, only Mr Perfect has a wife and kids, uses me for a bit then ditches me, of course. Then I get into marriage #2, only to discover two children later that he doesn't care either. I don't have that thing. People "care" but not enough to actually care. I lack in the long term wantability stakes. There is nothing about me that... oh I don't know. I just suck at life I think. I'm a half person who is incapable of being anything else.
I blame my mother. Lol.
Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Get on the couch and blame our mothers?
Go Freud.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
stone...
TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND,
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH .
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
“TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE”
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, “AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?”
THE FRIEND REPLIED
“WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT”
LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Sigh, no self control...
Um, yeah, I have a confession to make.
I'm a cheat, yep, a cheat.
I fail at loyalty and commitment.
I *sob* its so hard to admit... I've found a new love.... FACEBOOK!!
Look me up lol. Jo Cross.
Woot.
I'm a cheat, yep, a cheat.
I fail at loyalty and commitment.
I *sob* its so hard to admit... I've found a new love.... FACEBOOK!!
Look me up lol. Jo Cross.
Woot.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
P.S. Please don't die. I have enough insanity issues as it is.
So I had a convo the other day about beautiful song melodies, and it occurred to me that most of the truly beautiful songs are freakin sad ones. Whats with that. Like, seriously... I could name a heap... um, if it wasn't 2am and I wasn't tired.
So I just glanced through my song list to prove my point, as one is apt to do when trying to make a pointless point in a blog. And blah blah I came across the most haunting song ever... My Immortal by Evanescence.
Remember it? Omg that girl can sing. So much emotion, so much soul in her voice. Reminds me of James Blunt. *insert the I saw J.B. on Oprah one day and he made me cry story here*
Anyhoo, My Immortal makes me cry every frickin time I hear it. No matter where I am - car, shopping, sitting at the computer lol, whatever - I hear that song and the tears form. I dare anyone who has lost a loved one or, heck, anyone who has a human bone in their body, to listen to the lyrics and remain dry-eyed. Her voice, the music, the lyrics... its all so hauntingly sad.
I've lost friends and family members. It's devastating. But I can't imagine the sheer loss of life and self that comes with the death of your partner/spouse/lover/whatever. The whole "I will never get to tell you blah blah or do blah blah every again" thing is just... omg... worst nightmare stuff. The finality, the foreverness... I don't know how people do it.
A friend of mine lost her husband last year and every time she talks about it, cries, whatever... I never know what to say cos truth is, I can only begin to imagine just how bad that would be. The love of your life, gone, just like that. *shakes head*.
Heck, losing a lover is bad enough without the death bit added in. Fuck that. At least if your other half ditches you, you can still text them nasty messages or stalk them or bash their car with a tyre iron (I swear it wasn't me lol) or even just cry and hold out for them to change their mind... but none of that really works when its a death issue. Sigh.
My Immortal lyrics
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Hmm. Wow. I just realised I'm not being my normal heartless self. Eek. I blame the late hour, its not my fault. *takes a deep breath*
Order restored. Phew.
Ohhhh. In other news my daughter is scaring me. She's 12 and she's becoming more and more like me every day. And not just in the moody hormonal way, or the scary psychotic way, or the freak out when she gets frustrated way, or the I'm the Centre of the Universe so Everyone Should Bow Down to Me kind of way... oh, wait, I probably shouldn't admit to that. *deletes*
Anyhoo, I noticed today she's starting to use some of the words/phrases that I overuse. It's scary. Sure it starts with little phrases like "what's with that" or "someone ditched someone", but what if she moves on to the bad stuff. Eek. I couldn't count the number of times today that I said, "wait, stop, what did you just say?", only to have her look at me stupidly while she tried to work out what the big deal was.
Truth is I have this terrible habit of saying the most stupid swear words whenever I get a fright etc. Most people just jump and say something like "shit" but I come out with a trail of unrelated swear words. It's a no control, turrets type of thing. "Shit piss fuck" or "fuck flip" or "jesus fucking fuck"... all recent outbursts.
Sigh. I'm a bad parent, but its not my fault I swear. I was born this way.
In other, other news, I have an itch. Argh.
So I just glanced through my song list to prove my point, as one is apt to do when trying to make a pointless point in a blog. And blah blah I came across the most haunting song ever... My Immortal by Evanescence.
Remember it? Omg that girl can sing. So much emotion, so much soul in her voice. Reminds me of James Blunt. *insert the I saw J.B. on Oprah one day and he made me cry story here*
Anyhoo, My Immortal makes me cry every frickin time I hear it. No matter where I am - car, shopping, sitting at the computer lol, whatever - I hear that song and the tears form. I dare anyone who has lost a loved one or, heck, anyone who has a human bone in their body, to listen to the lyrics and remain dry-eyed. Her voice, the music, the lyrics... its all so hauntingly sad.
I've lost friends and family members. It's devastating. But I can't imagine the sheer loss of life and self that comes with the death of your partner/spouse/lover/whatever. The whole "I will never get to tell you blah blah or do blah blah every again" thing is just... omg... worst nightmare stuff. The finality, the foreverness... I don't know how people do it.
A friend of mine lost her husband last year and every time she talks about it, cries, whatever... I never know what to say cos truth is, I can only begin to imagine just how bad that would be. The love of your life, gone, just like that. *shakes head*.
Heck, losing a lover is bad enough without the death bit added in. Fuck that. At least if your other half ditches you, you can still text them nasty messages or stalk them or bash their car with a tyre iron (I swear it wasn't me lol) or even just cry and hold out for them to change their mind... but none of that really works when its a death issue. Sigh.
My Immortal lyrics
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Hmm. Wow. I just realised I'm not being my normal heartless self. Eek. I blame the late hour, its not my fault. *takes a deep breath*
Order restored. Phew.
Ohhhh. In other news my daughter is scaring me. She's 12 and she's becoming more and more like me every day. And not just in the moody hormonal way, or the scary psychotic way, or the freak out when she gets frustrated way, or the I'm the Centre of the Universe so Everyone Should Bow Down to Me kind of way... oh, wait, I probably shouldn't admit to that. *deletes*
Anyhoo, I noticed today she's starting to use some of the words/phrases that I overuse. It's scary. Sure it starts with little phrases like "what's with that" or "someone ditched someone", but what if she moves on to the bad stuff. Eek. I couldn't count the number of times today that I said, "wait, stop, what did you just say?", only to have her look at me stupidly while she tried to work out what the big deal was.
Truth is I have this terrible habit of saying the most stupid swear words whenever I get a fright etc. Most people just jump and say something like "shit" but I come out with a trail of unrelated swear words. It's a no control, turrets type of thing. "Shit piss fuck" or "fuck flip" or "jesus fucking fuck"... all recent outbursts.
Sigh. I'm a bad parent, but its not my fault I swear. I was born this way.
In other, other news, I have an itch. Argh.
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