I was talking to a friend tonight and she said, "C'mon you're not stupid, what do you want? The first thing that pops into your head..." In reference to life in general.
And it occurred to me that all I want - apart from the normal blah blah happy, healthy kids blah blah expected stuff blah blah - all I personally want, for me, is to matter.
Seems simple.
Must be the Leo in me, the ego. Want to matter+don't=depression. Nice logical 1+1=2 type of thing.
I cbf explaining it in words either. Meh. I don't have a job in which I would be missed, my kids all have other people in their lives who could parent them better than me (I should really update my will now that I think about it lol), I'm not contributing anything to society, to the community, I'm really just a house slave with no life lol... baby Alana still needs me I guess. WTB a point to existing, other than as a baby food supply of course. :P
Oh well. Atm I think my point should be to sleep lol.
I'm actually looking forward to the doctor this week for a change. I'm not gonna let them scare me with their "zomg the risks" bullshit anymore, fuck it, everyone has to die of something ffs. So long as I dont end up vegetative or w/e I really don't care. Plus.. *insert grin here*... I'm gonna beg for new pills lol, something a little less meh and a little more woot-happy-pills'y.
And Disso, stress not. I'm fine, just thinking out loud. Plus I seriously do need some sleep - just rambling shit as per usual. :S
Tired.
Ooohh 'cept I just a good blog idea, sigh. I should write it down cos I'll forget by tomorrow. Pen, paper? Somewhere? Sigh.
*Edit* Fuck it, you know what else I want? I want to smile and laugh and actually mean it. Instead of all this woest me emo bullshit, so not me. I remember "me" and this isn't it. Argh, life sux. Whats that phrase that means live for the happy moments and cope with the rest? That lol, insert that phrase here. If I keep pretending will my real feelings just catch up lol? Isn't that what they taught us in psych? Cos, fk, it doesn't seem to work. Meh, whatever.
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Ya know, it could be a terrible burden, to be someone who matters.
Maybe things are better this way, a little smoother, a little looser.
Meh. It's cool.
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