I was talking to a friend tonight and she said, "C'mon you're not stupid, what do you want? The first thing that pops into your head..." In reference to life in general.
And it occurred to me that all I want - apart from the normal blah blah happy, healthy kids blah blah expected stuff blah blah - all I personally want, for me, is to matter.
Seems simple.
Must be the Leo in me, the ego. Want to matter+don't=depression. Nice logical 1+1=2 type of thing.
I cbf explaining it in words either. Meh. I don't have a job in which I would be missed, my kids all have other people in their lives who could parent them better than me (I should really update my will now that I think about it lol), I'm not contributing anything to society, to the community, I'm really just a house slave with no life lol... baby Alana still needs me I guess. WTB a point to existing, other than as a baby food supply of course. :P
Oh well. Atm I think my point should be to sleep lol.
I'm actually looking forward to the doctor this week for a change. I'm not gonna let them scare me with their "zomg the risks" bullshit anymore, fuck it, everyone has to die of something ffs. So long as I dont end up vegetative or w/e I really don't care. Plus.. *insert grin here*... I'm gonna beg for new pills lol, something a little less meh and a little more woot-happy-pills'y.
And Disso, stress not. I'm fine, just thinking out loud. Plus I seriously do need some sleep - just rambling shit as per usual. :S
Tired.
Ooohh 'cept I just a good blog idea, sigh. I should write it down cos I'll forget by tomorrow. Pen, paper? Somewhere? Sigh.
*Edit* Fuck it, you know what else I want? I want to smile and laugh and actually mean it. Instead of all this woest me emo bullshit, so not me. I remember "me" and this isn't it. Argh, life sux. Whats that phrase that means live for the happy moments and cope with the rest? That lol, insert that phrase here. If I keep pretending will my real feelings just catch up lol? Isn't that what they taught us in psych? Cos, fk, it doesn't seem to work. Meh, whatever.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
go go gadget arm... *changes tv channel*
I moved my pc to the living room last night, just to try it out... I'm in the middle of converting the computer room to a bedroom for the eldest of the too many kids lol. She needs her space and privacy I think, but thats a whole 'nother story.
So I moved my pc to the living room. Means I'll be able to supervise the toddler better, toilet training will be easier (tiles down here, carpet upstairs, eek!), and... it means I can watch tv. Wow, I haven't watched any real tv for a long time. If there's a series I want to watch, I wait til I can get it on dvd and watch it all at once lol. I mainly just watch a bit of Austar here and there, like Kenny vs Spenny... I miss fabc Kenny and pathetic whiney Spenny lol. Argh, off track again.
On to the point of this blog... here's a list of all the things I've learned from the idiot box in the last, oh, roughly 12 hours.
If it wasn't for the television I wouldn't know that...
So I moved my pc to the living room. Means I'll be able to supervise the toddler better, toilet training will be easier (tiles down here, carpet upstairs, eek!), and... it means I can watch tv. Wow, I haven't watched any real tv for a long time. If there's a series I want to watch, I wait til I can get it on dvd and watch it all at once lol. I mainly just watch a bit of Austar here and there, like Kenny vs Spenny... I miss fabc Kenny and pathetic whiney Spenny lol. Argh, off track again.
On to the point of this blog... here's a list of all the things I've learned from the idiot box in the last, oh, roughly 12 hours.
If it wasn't for the television I wouldn't know that...
- I need to buy batteries. Argh at the cricket that was on tv last night at the exact moment that 1. the remote wouldnt work and 2. I was feeding the baby and therefore stuck in my chair for like half an hour. Omg... cricket... *blinks*.
- Whoopie Goldberg can sing, really sing. When did that happen? Bring me a higher love. Me too Whoopie. Ditto on that.
- Its impossible to listen to music while surfing the net AND having the tv on at the same time. Sigh. There goes that habit I guess.
- Sandra Sully still bugs me. I think she's the real reason I stopped watching the news. Sure I could change the channel, but heck. Its an association thing.
- I should listen to my kids more. It turns out that the chair at the computer desk in the living room - the chair at the kids computer desk - the chair they've been complaining about - the chair they've been asking me to buy a cushion for - really truly is uncomfortable on the ass. I've had this lower back/butt ache all day lol. Oops. WTB massage.
- I need a new tattoo. MTV ftw. I want a heart tattoo next. Just a little cartoon style one, somewhere. Now I know the what, I just gotta work out the where lol. Hmm. Ideas?
- I also need to buy a new headset. New headphones, mic... cos if Noah is watching Doodlebops or the Wiggles... noooooo. I'm putting "new headset" on the must-have bread and milk list.
- It's mothers day this weekend. Oh. Yay. Not. All my mothers day memories are freakin horrendous. Mother's Day is never really about family time, its always fake bullshit, fake presents, fake breakfast in bed, just fake fake fake. I'm not stupid enough to fall for the "pretend mum/my wife matters cos thats what's expected." MEH at that. I'm sick of freakin fake. I want authenticity. I want to feel real again.... OMG stupid mothers day ads. Don't get me started on this pathetic crap again, argh.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
A change of pace... a cutesy happy blog... where the fk did all these kids come from? I swear I only had one yesterday... sigh.
I woke up this morning to discover that my 9yr old son had written a poem dedicated to his almost-2yr-old brother. Cute, nice and all that positive stuff. If I was less heartless bitch and more human, his level of devotion to his little brother might have brought a tear to my eye.
Mostly its pure imagination lol.
Son #2 doesn't eat much food at all, doesn't own a baseball bat, doesn't know his colours, prefers dogs to cats and, lets face it, isn't as cute as his baby sister. (Yes, can admit she's my favourite for several reasons, mainly because she can't move yet or answer back. She just sits where you put her and smiles more often than not. Perfect!)
And I guess at some point I'll have to tell son #1 that son #2 actually has something like $500 in the bank... that he is in fact richer than the rest of us... but maybe not today lol.
The main difference between sons #1 and 2 is that #1 has always been the soft, sensitive, poetry-writing, pansy-type boy. He has his boy moments but he still sleeps with his favourite soft toys and still cries at the drop of a hat. He used to love dressing up as spiderman one day, and a fairy the next (hmm... moving on...). Son #2 on the other hand... speaking of batshit crazy... he's a bit more full-on and boys'y. Give him a soft toy and he's likely to peg it at you. He's more of a truck or "tuck" type of boy, a I-can-climb-anything type of boy. A boys'y boy.
Teenage girl hormones aside, daughters #1 and #2 seem quite similar so far, in as much as you can compare a 12 year old girl and a 6mth old baby lol. Girl #1 surfs, skateboards, plays drums, guitar and saxophone... she's "cool"... but she's also one of the smartest kids in her class, a school captain this year, a goody-two-shoes (thats the bit she doesn't get from me lol). Girl #2... well... atm she's learning to sit without face planting and eat food without gagging and throwing up. That's it really. Um... I can't remember where the similarities were now lol. Oh well.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna give them the day off school. Cos I like them today. And they've been at their dads for 10 days ish - I just picked them up yesterday. Yeah, fuck it. I don't feel like driving 30mins to school or making school lunches. Let the kids spend some time together, yep, good idea. Family time.
I swear the whole they-can-help-with-the-packing-and-cleaning-out business has nothing to do with my decision... (woot! babysitters while I do the cleaning!)...
I'm such a nice selfless parent. *pats self on the back*
My brother sings and sings,
He sings on the stage.
My brother might even make a book,
Noah hasn’t checked the front page.
Noah is so cute,
He’s growing big out of small.
He’s the cutest baby ill ever have,
Soon he’ll be so very tall.
My brother eats lots of food, such as toast,
I say, sometimes he looks like a camel when he cries.
He eats a lot of food,
He might even eat blue berry pies.
My brother likes a lot of toys,
His favourite toy is Thomas the tank.
He calls Thomas, Toot-Toot,
He loves to ride Thomas to the bank.
Noah is a little toddler,
He’s happy and sometimes sad.
Noah has 4$ in his bank,
He only has 4$ but he’ll never be mad.
Noah has grown a lot,
He plays baseball with one of the smallest bats.
His favourite colour is black,
Noah’s favourite animal would have to be a cat.
Mostly its pure imagination lol.
Son #2 doesn't eat much food at all, doesn't own a baseball bat, doesn't know his colours, prefers dogs to cats and, lets face it, isn't as cute as his baby sister. (Yes, can admit she's my favourite for several reasons, mainly because she can't move yet or answer back. She just sits where you put her and smiles more often than not. Perfect!)
And I guess at some point I'll have to tell son #1 that son #2 actually has something like $500 in the bank... that he is in fact richer than the rest of us... but maybe not today lol.
The main difference between sons #1 and 2 is that #1 has always been the soft, sensitive, poetry-writing, pansy-type boy. He has his boy moments but he still sleeps with his favourite soft toys and still cries at the drop of a hat. He used to love dressing up as spiderman one day, and a fairy the next (hmm... moving on...). Son #2 on the other hand... speaking of batshit crazy... he's a bit more full-on and boys'y. Give him a soft toy and he's likely to peg it at you. He's more of a truck or "tuck" type of boy, a I-can-climb-anything type of boy. A boys'y boy.
Teenage girl hormones aside, daughters #1 and #2 seem quite similar so far, in as much as you can compare a 12 year old girl and a 6mth old baby lol. Girl #1 surfs, skateboards, plays drums, guitar and saxophone... she's "cool"... but she's also one of the smartest kids in her class, a school captain this year, a goody-two-shoes (thats the bit she doesn't get from me lol). Girl #2... well... atm she's learning to sit without face planting and eat food without gagging and throwing up. That's it really. Um... I can't remember where the similarities were now lol. Oh well.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna give them the day off school. Cos I like them today. And they've been at their dads for 10 days ish - I just picked them up yesterday. Yeah, fuck it. I don't feel like driving 30mins to school or making school lunches. Let the kids spend some time together, yep, good idea. Family time.
I swear the whole they-can-help-with-the-packing-and-cleaning-out business has nothing to do with my decision... (woot! babysitters while I do the cleaning!)...
I'm such a nice selfless parent. *pats self on the back*
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
a heap of shit cos i'm bored and surfing the net looking at crap
I can't believe the following website is serious lol. First of all, someone writes this shit. Second of all, someone actually BUYS this shit?
Wtf... what advice could they possibly be giving? Unless its a plastic surgeon who specialises in boob job's phone number or something. I mean, seriously, a man's either interested in you or he isn't. Some people just don't have that special quality, that thing that attracts and holds a lover. Get with reality people!
Have you ever known the kind of woman...
- that men fall hopelessly in love with
- with whom men want to spend all their time
- whom men want to please and do anything for
- who brings out the romantic and passionate side of a man, and
- to whom men want to give everything?
What special quality, trait, or personality does this woman have that attracts men like a magnet, makes men powerless in her hands, and makes them want to spend their lives with her?
I've personally met many women like this -- and here's the startling observation I've made: These women are not necessarily the most beautiful, the tallest, the smartest, the one with the most gorgeous hair, sexy legs or the most ample breasts, as one might think!
Do you know that you as a woman, have the delicious power to make a man fall in love with you, to influence a man, to bring him to his knees? Do you know how to get a man to want to spend his life with you -- and want to fulfill your every desire?
Yes, it's true! The best part is that you can do it easily and effortlessly by being yourself -- and NOT shaping yourself into someone you're not - just to keep your man interested. I'll give you solid proof of this in a moment.
"The Woman Men Adore... and Never Want to Leave" works... Buy it now!!! Just a zillion trillion dollars probably... You'll discover the secret that will make you radiate like a warm and glowing campfire -- and give you an aura that men will find absolutely irresistible.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ooooh hold on, crisis averted... http://christiananswers.net/q-dml/dml-y030.html
Phew, I think I've finally solved the age-old question of What Is True Love with more random net surfing. The Christians have an answer, praise be to baby Allah! No wait.. Jesus... argh, my mistake. So many deities, so little thought.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8a
But wait, theres more. The christian "advice" continues...
Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel.
Oh. I've heard that line of shit before actually. Love isn't an emotion? Love is a practical action? Um... hello? The word dumbfuck comes to mind yet again. How can they be so stupid as to follow up a well written "Love is blah blah" verse with some church-recited bullshit about how love isn't a feeling!? Zomg I might fail at this crap and life in general but I'm not that god damn stupid.
* * * * * * * * * *
Now I'm thinking... time for a bit of urban dictionary dot com. Maybe urban dictionary can help me resolve the love issue.
So... urbandick... what IS love?
Two choices really. It's either #1 or #2. I'm not sure.
#1 Love is...
The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.
Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.
This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.
It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity.
Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.
OR...
#2 Love is...
Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
Hmm. So the dumbfuck christians are only half right, urbandick is undecided on the true meaning of love, and I'm fortunately not stupid enough to fall for the money making ploy of "The Women Men Adore". So I guess I'm stuck then.
Oh well. Time to face facts about my lovelife. F for Fail.
So... urbandick... what IS love?
Two choices really. It's either #1 or #2. I'm not sure.
#1 Love is...
The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.
Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.
This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.
It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity.
Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.
OR...
#2 Love is...
Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
* * * * * * * * * *
| |
Oh well. Time to face facts about my lovelife. F for Fail.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
heck, give the girl a beer and a shot and set the clock to 2am... and this is the blog you get
Ok I deleted this post on the grounds that it suggests I'm a dick. I shall leave the ending only lol.
Who knows what could happen, do what you do, just keep on laughing, one thing's true, there's always a brand new day, I'm gonna live today like it's my last day
Step 1 in this glorious new plan... go to freakin bed so that I at least have the darn energy to live today like its my last day lol. *yawns*
Step 2... buy a new cd. Lol.
Who knows what could happen, do what you do, just keep on laughing, one thing's true, there's always a brand new day, I'm gonna live today like it's my last day
Step 1 in this glorious new plan... go to freakin bed so that I at least have the darn energy to live today like its my last day lol. *yawns*
Step 2... buy a new cd. Lol.
Friday, May 2, 2008
LOL... not a shock...
The Five Love Languages Quiz huh...
http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp
Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bilingual (you have two primary love languages). If the scores of your primary and your secondary language are close (for example, 10 & 9 respectfully), it indicates both are important to you. Whatever a significant other does to express love in either of these languages will get emotional points with you. The highest possible score for any language is 12.
Having a clear picture of your primary & secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior Think back over the past and ask yourself "What have I most often requested from significant others?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary & secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love.
Yes... you're right Kus... I maxed out the points for Physical Touch. I am a 'ho. Here's the proof!! Actually, that sorta explains why I like the song that JUST coincidentally came on.
I wanna lock you up in my closet when no one's around... you make me so hot, make me wanna drop... I can hardly breathe, you make me wanna scream... I will let you do anything, again and again... hold me, love me, don't ever go...
Yep, 'ho material. Lucky I fixed that damn vibrator. BBL.
http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp
| Score | Love Language |
| 8 | Words of Affirmation |
| 8 | Quality Time |
| 2 | Receiving of Gifts |
| 0 | Acts of Service |
| 12 | Physical Touch |
Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bilingual (you have two primary love languages). If the scores of your primary and your secondary language are close (for example, 10 & 9 respectfully), it indicates both are important to you. Whatever a significant other does to express love in either of these languages will get emotional points with you. The highest possible score for any language is 12.
Having a clear picture of your primary & secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior Think back over the past and ask yourself "What have I most often requested from significant others?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary & secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love.
Yes... you're right Kus... I maxed out the points for Physical Touch. I am a 'ho. Here's the proof!! Actually, that sorta explains why I like the song that JUST coincidentally came on.
I wanna lock you up in my closet when no one's around... you make me so hot, make me wanna drop... I can hardly breathe, you make me wanna scream... I will let you do anything, again and again... hold me, love me, don't ever go...
Yep, 'ho material. Lucky I fixed that damn vibrator. BBL.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
WTB a baby daughter who doesn't fart so bad that I can't breathe when she's on my lap
Ok I apologise for the woest me'ness of the previous blog. I was just pissed. And not the good sort of pissed, not the oh my god I'm so drunk I have to pee in the back yard type of pissed. Just good old fashioned anger.
Life goes on you know, except of course in those cases, where, well, it doesn't. Um. Yeah. Anyway, I am woman, hear me roar.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about my marriage. I think perhaps I expect too much, maybe its an ego thing, maybe I really am too selfish. But I want it all, not half of it. I want to love and be loved. I want to value someone and be valued in return. No, scrap that. IF I'm in a relationship thats what I want. I'm starting to wonder whether perhaps I'm just the type of person who should be single, on my own, Miss Independent... keep your distance... or however that song goes. It's easier to be single I think, to be emotionally unattached. No expectations, no disappointment, no pain. And no I'm not all stupid depressed, I'm just being rational.
Was my marriage a mistake? Sometimes I think maybe it was, its hard to say. We're not very compatible communication wise, personality wise, any wise... but I look into the smiling faces (heck even the midnight tantrum faces!!) of my children and I know without a doubt that I don't regret it. Whatever happens, my life has been enriched by these two kids. I was not supposed to be able to carry to term, I was not supposed to be able to have more babies... but here are two of them. So fuck fate, fuck all that "whats meant to be" bullshit. I don't think everything happens for a reason but I DO think you're wise to find a reason in everything that happens.
Alana and Noah, and Laura and Zac (but they're older and don't need me as much), are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I'm tempted to include my latest wow addiction here... my desire to get exalted with the newest faction... but I'm being... good... Fact is, I have my children, I have friends close by who support me, and I have long distance friends who try to listen to my rambling bullshit and not get too annoyed with me lol. Fuck the rest of the world.
Like I said, I am woman, hear me roar.
Life goes on you know, except of course in those cases, where, well, it doesn't. Um. Yeah. Anyway, I am woman, hear me roar.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about my marriage. I think perhaps I expect too much, maybe its an ego thing, maybe I really am too selfish. But I want it all, not half of it. I want to love and be loved. I want to value someone and be valued in return. No, scrap that. IF I'm in a relationship thats what I want. I'm starting to wonder whether perhaps I'm just the type of person who should be single, on my own, Miss Independent... keep your distance... or however that song goes. It's easier to be single I think, to be emotionally unattached. No expectations, no disappointment, no pain. And no I'm not all stupid depressed, I'm just being rational.
Was my marriage a mistake? Sometimes I think maybe it was, its hard to say. We're not very compatible communication wise, personality wise, any wise... but I look into the smiling faces (heck even the midnight tantrum faces!!) of my children and I know without a doubt that I don't regret it. Whatever happens, my life has been enriched by these two kids. I was not supposed to be able to carry to term, I was not supposed to be able to have more babies... but here are two of them. So fuck fate, fuck all that "whats meant to be" bullshit. I don't think everything happens for a reason but I DO think you're wise to find a reason in everything that happens.
Alana and Noah, and Laura and Zac (but they're older and don't need me as much), are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I'm tempted to include my latest wow addiction here... my desire to get exalted with the newest faction... but I'm being... good... Fact is, I have my children, I have friends close by who support me, and I have long distance friends who try to listen to my rambling bullshit and not get too annoyed with me lol. Fuck the rest of the world.
Like I said, I am woman, hear me roar.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
so its official, I suck at life
Whoever first said that honesty is over-rated wasn't kidding... oh wait, that was probably me. To be honest, to share secrets, to share your hidden self... who the fuck does that.
Reverse time... 12 hrs ago... I begin to engage in an open and honest conversation with my husband about the past, the present, the future.
12 hours later... I still can't think straight. But now I can't think straight knowing that he's not happy, our marriage is not fulfilling to him, he doesn't care enough about me or us or anything basically to even make an effort. All this time I've been punishing myself, judging myself, dying on the inside, becoming this woest-me-emo person, thinking it was just my depression talking, that of course he loved me he just didn't know how to show it or how to communicate, that sort of thing. But nope. Turns out all those negative self thoughts I had about myself where spot on. Go figure.
"I know I love you but I don't feel it" is a cop out.
"I love you but I just don't care enough", another cop out.
A relationship can not be a success if the two people involved are not being their authentic true selves. A relationship can not be a success if you're only in it for the children or the money or the social standing or whatever other excuses people make. A relationship can not be a success if one or the other person is still in love with an ex, or at the very least, hasn't moved on properly. A relationship can not be a success unless the two people idolise each other, want each other, need each other, have that whole love forever deep soul bond thing working. (I've seen relationships like this so I know that they exist god dammit). And if you're not compatible, if you're not committed to the relationship, if you don't make an active, free choice to be in that relationship, if you don't CARE about it... well. Fail.
Fact is, there is something about me that is missing. I don't have that thing that people have. I don't even know what that thing is. All I know is I don't have it. I've had three primary relationships in my life.... I leave one marriage thinking I was the most selfish biatch in the world, only to have him admit afterwards that he didn't love me anyway. I meet Mr Perfect and fall madly in love, only Mr Perfect has a wife and kids, uses me for a bit then ditches me, of course. Then I get into marriage #2, only to discover two children later that he doesn't care either. I don't have that thing. People "care" but not enough to actually care. I lack in the long term wantability stakes. There is nothing about me that... oh I don't know. I just suck at life I think. I'm a half person who is incapable of being anything else.
I blame my mother. Lol.
Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Get on the couch and blame our mothers?
Go Freud.
Reverse time... 12 hrs ago... I begin to engage in an open and honest conversation with my husband about the past, the present, the future.
12 hours later... I still can't think straight. But now I can't think straight knowing that he's not happy, our marriage is not fulfilling to him, he doesn't care enough about me or us or anything basically to even make an effort. All this time I've been punishing myself, judging myself, dying on the inside, becoming this woest-me-emo person, thinking it was just my depression talking, that of course he loved me he just didn't know how to show it or how to communicate, that sort of thing. But nope. Turns out all those negative self thoughts I had about myself where spot on. Go figure.
"I know I love you but I don't feel it" is a cop out.
"I love you but I just don't care enough", another cop out.
A relationship can not be a success if the two people involved are not being their authentic true selves. A relationship can not be a success if you're only in it for the children or the money or the social standing or whatever other excuses people make. A relationship can not be a success if one or the other person is still in love with an ex, or at the very least, hasn't moved on properly. A relationship can not be a success unless the two people idolise each other, want each other, need each other, have that whole love forever deep soul bond thing working. (I've seen relationships like this so I know that they exist god dammit). And if you're not compatible, if you're not committed to the relationship, if you don't make an active, free choice to be in that relationship, if you don't CARE about it... well. Fail.
Fact is, there is something about me that is missing. I don't have that thing that people have. I don't even know what that thing is. All I know is I don't have it. I've had three primary relationships in my life.... I leave one marriage thinking I was the most selfish biatch in the world, only to have him admit afterwards that he didn't love me anyway. I meet Mr Perfect and fall madly in love, only Mr Perfect has a wife and kids, uses me for a bit then ditches me, of course. Then I get into marriage #2, only to discover two children later that he doesn't care either. I don't have that thing. People "care" but not enough to actually care. I lack in the long term wantability stakes. There is nothing about me that... oh I don't know. I just suck at life I think. I'm a half person who is incapable of being anything else.
I blame my mother. Lol.
Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Get on the couch and blame our mothers?
Go Freud.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
stone...
TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND,
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH .
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
“TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE”
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, “AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?”
THE FRIEND REPLIED
“WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT”
LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Sigh, no self control...
Um, yeah, I have a confession to make.
I'm a cheat, yep, a cheat.
I fail at loyalty and commitment.
I *sob* its so hard to admit... I've found a new love.... FACEBOOK!!
Look me up lol. Jo Cross.
Woot.
I'm a cheat, yep, a cheat.
I fail at loyalty and commitment.
I *sob* its so hard to admit... I've found a new love.... FACEBOOK!!
Look me up lol. Jo Cross.
Woot.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
P.S. Please don't die. I have enough insanity issues as it is.
So I had a convo the other day about beautiful song melodies, and it occurred to me that most of the truly beautiful songs are freakin sad ones. Whats with that. Like, seriously... I could name a heap... um, if it wasn't 2am and I wasn't tired.
So I just glanced through my song list to prove my point, as one is apt to do when trying to make a pointless point in a blog. And blah blah I came across the most haunting song ever... My Immortal by Evanescence.
Remember it? Omg that girl can sing. So much emotion, so much soul in her voice. Reminds me of James Blunt. *insert the I saw J.B. on Oprah one day and he made me cry story here*
Anyhoo, My Immortal makes me cry every frickin time I hear it. No matter where I am - car, shopping, sitting at the computer lol, whatever - I hear that song and the tears form. I dare anyone who has lost a loved one or, heck, anyone who has a human bone in their body, to listen to the lyrics and remain dry-eyed. Her voice, the music, the lyrics... its all so hauntingly sad.
I've lost friends and family members. It's devastating. But I can't imagine the sheer loss of life and self that comes with the death of your partner/spouse/lover/whatever. The whole "I will never get to tell you blah blah or do blah blah every again" thing is just... omg... worst nightmare stuff. The finality, the foreverness... I don't know how people do it.
A friend of mine lost her husband last year and every time she talks about it, cries, whatever... I never know what to say cos truth is, I can only begin to imagine just how bad that would be. The love of your life, gone, just like that. *shakes head*.
Heck, losing a lover is bad enough without the death bit added in. Fuck that. At least if your other half ditches you, you can still text them nasty messages or stalk them or bash their car with a tyre iron (I swear it wasn't me lol) or even just cry and hold out for them to change their mind... but none of that really works when its a death issue. Sigh.
My Immortal lyrics
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Hmm. Wow. I just realised I'm not being my normal heartless self. Eek. I blame the late hour, its not my fault. *takes a deep breath*
Order restored. Phew.
Ohhhh. In other news my daughter is scaring me. She's 12 and she's becoming more and more like me every day. And not just in the moody hormonal way, or the scary psychotic way, or the freak out when she gets frustrated way, or the I'm the Centre of the Universe so Everyone Should Bow Down to Me kind of way... oh, wait, I probably shouldn't admit to that. *deletes*
Anyhoo, I noticed today she's starting to use some of the words/phrases that I overuse. It's scary. Sure it starts with little phrases like "what's with that" or "someone ditched someone", but what if she moves on to the bad stuff. Eek. I couldn't count the number of times today that I said, "wait, stop, what did you just say?", only to have her look at me stupidly while she tried to work out what the big deal was.
Truth is I have this terrible habit of saying the most stupid swear words whenever I get a fright etc. Most people just jump and say something like "shit" but I come out with a trail of unrelated swear words. It's a no control, turrets type of thing. "Shit piss fuck" or "fuck flip" or "jesus fucking fuck"... all recent outbursts.
Sigh. I'm a bad parent, but its not my fault I swear. I was born this way.
In other, other news, I have an itch. Argh.
So I just glanced through my song list to prove my point, as one is apt to do when trying to make a pointless point in a blog. And blah blah I came across the most haunting song ever... My Immortal by Evanescence.
Remember it? Omg that girl can sing. So much emotion, so much soul in her voice. Reminds me of James Blunt. *insert the I saw J.B. on Oprah one day and he made me cry story here*
Anyhoo, My Immortal makes me cry every frickin time I hear it. No matter where I am - car, shopping, sitting at the computer lol, whatever - I hear that song and the tears form. I dare anyone who has lost a loved one or, heck, anyone who has a human bone in their body, to listen to the lyrics and remain dry-eyed. Her voice, the music, the lyrics... its all so hauntingly sad.
I've lost friends and family members. It's devastating. But I can't imagine the sheer loss of life and self that comes with the death of your partner/spouse/lover/whatever. The whole "I will never get to tell you blah blah or do blah blah every again" thing is just... omg... worst nightmare stuff. The finality, the foreverness... I don't know how people do it.
A friend of mine lost her husband last year and every time she talks about it, cries, whatever... I never know what to say cos truth is, I can only begin to imagine just how bad that would be. The love of your life, gone, just like that. *shakes head*.
Heck, losing a lover is bad enough without the death bit added in. Fuck that. At least if your other half ditches you, you can still text them nasty messages or stalk them or bash their car with a tyre iron (I swear it wasn't me lol) or even just cry and hold out for them to change their mind... but none of that really works when its a death issue. Sigh.
My Immortal lyrics
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Hmm. Wow. I just realised I'm not being my normal heartless self. Eek. I blame the late hour, its not my fault. *takes a deep breath*
Order restored. Phew.
Ohhhh. In other news my daughter is scaring me. She's 12 and she's becoming more and more like me every day. And not just in the moody hormonal way, or the scary psychotic way, or the freak out when she gets frustrated way, or the I'm the Centre of the Universe so Everyone Should Bow Down to Me kind of way... oh, wait, I probably shouldn't admit to that. *deletes*
Anyhoo, I noticed today she's starting to use some of the words/phrases that I overuse. It's scary. Sure it starts with little phrases like "what's with that" or "someone ditched someone", but what if she moves on to the bad stuff. Eek. I couldn't count the number of times today that I said, "wait, stop, what did you just say?", only to have her look at me stupidly while she tried to work out what the big deal was.
Truth is I have this terrible habit of saying the most stupid swear words whenever I get a fright etc. Most people just jump and say something like "shit" but I come out with a trail of unrelated swear words. It's a no control, turrets type of thing. "Shit piss fuck" or "fuck flip" or "jesus fucking fuck"... all recent outbursts.
Sigh. I'm a bad parent, but its not my fault I swear. I was born this way.
In other, other news, I have an itch. Argh.
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