meh to the new year

Seriously, I don't get the new year hype. New's Years is just an excuse to woot it up and being that I have two babies and no *real* friends (cept for Loo who'll be partying it up tonight, and Disso who lives a bazillion miles away).... well... sorta makes the woot'ing very non-wootful lol.

I was thinking the other day that the whole friend and family thing is a myth. It's all temporary cos people change over time. Either your friend changes in some way - either their lifestyle changes or they move or get married or have kids or get depressed or, heck, get happy lol - or you do. The two things that top the list of the friendship-breakers are 1. getting divorced (holy crap yes... friends will drop like flies when it comes to a relationship breakdown) and 2. having a baby. People are soooo self-centred, its true, but only hard core dedicated friends will put up with nappy changes and extended wait times (while you're doing baby stuff) and all the limits on where you can go and what you can do. Movies, yes. Clubbing... yno. For some reason the bouncers won't let you take a newbie baby with you to the bar. Whats with that.

All of which goes to make net buddies so much easier. Friends you make on the net aren't limited by one's babydom... not really anyway. You just go afk a bit lol. And net friendships aren't affected by things like divorce or marriage or new jobs. And yet... they may feel real but they're not *real*. Sorry Kus... you're not real lol. :P

You know... sometimes I love the net bud thing and sometimes I frickin hate it. This week I hate it lol.

Hmmm. Rambling about nothing again? Where was I? Oh yeah.. new years.

New Years is pfft and meh and all those other meaningless phrases. And yet I still want to make some new years resolutions. So here goes...

• Get rich. Um... lotto or something. Woot!
• Move. We so don't fit in this house and there's really nothing keeping us on the sunny coast cept for my kids. Gotta sort out the custody arrangements with my ex and then move I think.
  
• Get my body back. Atm I'm so depressed and stressed I don't give a toss if I'm a size 8 or 10 or a size freakin 20. I don't care. I just had two pregnancies in a row, both of which entailed complete bed rest and I'm still in the high risk stroke zone so I barely give a flying fk. But while I'm all like "meh its only 5kgs" everyone else is all "ewwww". I'd like to tell em all to gtfo but I guess instead I'll just do the whole boring diet/exercise thing. Frickin shallow people.
• Work or study. Something. Need to do something. I realise I have no babyfree time but heck... I'm quite literally losing myself in washing and cleaning and nappy changing.
• Get on top of my emotions. I don't know if its the stress or the depression or the health crap, or maybe all of them combined, but I'm sick of being emotional. I despise weakness and vulnerability lol. And yet here I am cycling from depression to anger with small burts of ok-ness in between. Too many thoughts, too many feelings, its just too much most of the time. I must be terrible to live with lol. Pity my family.
• Maybe play WoW less... maybe. Thats a hard call. It's my escapism lol. At least in WoW I'm leet. :D
  
• Sort out my marriage problems. A toughie. I'm lost as to what the right thing to do is. On the one hand I don't want to be in stress-filled relationship where I feel like crap most of the time, but on the other hand... I like living by myself, all that personal space... but I'm not eager to be a single parent again, certainly not with the two babies. Besides, I can still remember the utter loneliness I felt last time... no thanks.

Wow. An honest post for a change. I was gonna make new years resolution jokes... not sure what went wrong there lol.

I think my main new years resolution should be to simply find my "self" again lol. Such a cliche but true. I want the old easy going, flexible, fun, risk-taking, happy, psycho jo back. She's gotta be around here somewhere lol. Maybe I should check behind the tv where all the other missing things tend to go.

So this is Christmas, and what have you done, another year over, and a new one just begun

Hmm. So thats another christmas and another year gone I guess. Is it just me or does time seem to be speeding up?

Thats my whole blog.

Not much else to say.

Ate too much, drank too much, giggled online too much (apparently lol), talked to the family too much, hid from the family by using the old "must go feed the baby upstairs" excuse too much... basically just did everything too much lol. And now I have a head ache. Although thats probably got something to do with the whole drank-too-much bit.

In other news... I think you were right Kus. A fake woot that feels like a real woot only after beer is added probably has the makings of a fake woot by the end of the day. Wow you Americans aren't so dumb after all, go figure.

Oh and, yeah, my head hurts. Woest me.

10 Alana-specific baby facts

Baby blob @ 4 weeks

1. She needs to grow into her huge round cheeks in much the same way a Great Dane puppy needs to grow into its over-sized paws.
2. Her nick should be fart girl... she's so loud that she makes Noah laugh.
3. She's actually little and skinny and not the budda baby she appears to be in this photo.
4. Similarly, her hair is darker than it appears here.
5. I think her eyes are gonna be blue, dammit... *swears*
6. Her hair... hmm. It has this whole standing straight up tendency. I think she needs a heavier shampoo lol.
7. She not only looks like a little monkey, she constantly grunts and groans like an animal too. Constantly. I've gotten used to it now but for the first few days it used to keep me awake lol.
8. She's currently average length and weight for her correct gestational age i.e. 37 weeks. But her head is a tad smaller than average... a fact which is made up for in cheek size I think. *points to fact #1*
9. Speaking of growth... she's gone up a whole dress size already! She now fits her 0000 clothes perfectly! Woot, no more tiny baby in giants clothing!
10. So far I like this one. She might not be the cutest baby on the block but I think I might keep her anyway. I'm getting soft in my old age lol. :D

Forget Santa, forget over-indulgent food, forget exy gifts... the thing I could never survive christmas without is panadol

Joey, you'll survive Christmas by Rolling in Commercialism

Gifts. Gifts. Gifts. That's what the season's all about. Sure, friends and family are great. The food? Delicious. But when it comes to celebrating the holidays, you say, "I love you," with a thoughtful and expertly-wrapped present...and you expect the same in return.

Call it nostalgia, the fun and festivities make you revert to childhood — where waking up at 5:00 am meant you'd be the first to tear into your goodies beneath the tree. Now that you're older, you get that same joy from last-minute shopping sprees and sure, waking up at 5:00 am to tear into your goodies. It's only once a year, so enjoy it while you can!

Hmm. I'm not sure I like Tickle anymore lol. I swear I'm not a gimme-a-present-or-i'll-remind-you-forever-and-ever type of person... honestly. Grr.

Christmas for me is just a time for family and friends to eat, drink and be merry. Thats it, simple. And by family and friends I mean only the real ones, the ones I like. The others can nick off lol. Christmas is about the kids... their excitement etc. The rest is all bullshit.

Christmas... pfft. Anyone want to escape it by running away to a secret tropical island just for, say, all of December? Except of course I'd need to get my pre-baby body back before I could go sit on a beach, sigh. Oh well. Wanna book an island for next year then?

... its me, and I can't get myself to go away... unfortunately lol

Check out the newbie @ 3 days old

I guess I've not blogged in a while. The last two months or so have been a tad hectic, what with the unexpected-early-by-almost-8-weeks arrival of the newest addition to our brady bunch-ish brood... the 2kg+... who just hit 3kg, woot!... Alana. Yippee, a girl! If I hadn't just given birth I would have jumped off the bed and given a Tom Cruise on Oprah style woot. You know, the whole jumping up and punching the air "I'm so in love" crap. Only not the love crap, the baby girl crap. So it would have been more like... *jumps up, punches air, and says Yes! No penis!* Imo, the male appendage is way over-rated.

Where was I? Got carried away rambling... shock.

Yes, the baby. Alana. Born. 4 weeks ago last Friday. Damn, we should have had a birthday party for her. Cake, balloons... Noah would have loved it. A monthday party, no a firstmonthday party... or something like that.

Speaking of Noah - he's playing the role of big brother quite well so far. No jealousy really. He's very loving and caring towards the bebe. He's a little TOO interested if you get my point. Constantly wants to hug her, tries to pick her up, tries to give her toys, his bottle, wants to share her dummy... and so on. He even tries to run his toy trains and cars and stuff over her as if she were a train track! Oh and he likes to "help" by pushing her swing faster. "Help". Hmm. But yeah, we don't need a baby monitor cos he hears even the slightest noise she makes and goes off running in the direction of her cot. He's like our little alarm system lol.

Older kids are good too. They were a godsend on the morning that I went into labour and my waters started leaking, like, everywhere, and I kept telling myself that I couldn't be in labour... where was I? Oh yeah, the kids. Thank goodness the kids were here lol, and not at their fathers. It was 7.30am and we were almost ready to leave for school when I started leaking watery shit everywhere. Like, wtf. Childbirth is seriously unpleasant. So my mate Laura who was our scheduled "look after Noah during the birth" person just happened to not be local... she was housesitting up north for her jetsetting mother lol. So my 11 and 8 yr old (thank goodness they're responsible... ish... well the girl is lol, no comment on the sometimes-responsible, sometimes-stupid-and-silly boy) looked after Noah for an hour or so while we raced to the hospital and Laura raced to our house. Eek. If the kids weren't there... omg, Noah in the delivery room... omg... Mind you, the kids got a day off school so they weren't complaining. And they were able to see Alana within minutes of being born (well, ok, maybe 45 mins or so... and it was only through the glass of the special care unit where all the sick and premmy babies go lol). But the point is, they got to see her straight away, ish.

Anyhoo... did I mention the baby was born lol? She was really healthy considering her prematurity - and in childbirth terms, the birth was a breeze. Waters broke at 7.30am, I finally realised at 8am that with constant 5min apart contractions I would have to wake WK up and get to the hospital asap, so we left at 8.05am after WK vomited on the front lawn lol, with lightning speed arrived at the hospital about 8.25... and so on. She was born at 9.25am, woot. Only an hour really. Hour and a half if you count the early labour.

Funny but gross story... I was leaking watery shit everywhere, like, everywhere (I might have mentioned this already lol). I got in the car with only underwear on and my shorts in hand. I actually stood up and put my shorts on after getting out of the car at the hospital front entrance lol. I didn't give a shit who was there and tbh couldn't remember if there was 1 person or 50 people standing there lol. Knowing my luck, probably 50. And then... the slow walk through the hospital, up the lift, etc... the watery crap was running so badly you could literally see my footsteps through the hospital lol. How disgusting is that! Hilarious in retrospect but yeah, gross. When we arrived at the birthing suite, the admin girl behind the desk was someone I knew so the first thing I said was "Oh Sam, I've leaked watery crap all through the lift and the hospital, someone might fall over". Cos yeah, I had a huge leak in the lift lol. Not "blah blah, my name is blah blah and I'm only blah blah weeks pregnant and blah blah". Nope, I told her about the watery womb juice that was spread from one end of the hospital to the other lol. Gross.

So, since the birth... Alana only stayed in the special care unit for 2 weeks despite their whole "she'll be here for a long time" attitude. She was healthy and feeding well so wtf leave her there lol. The midwives basically convinced the doctors of this point and helped us get her home faster. And she's fine, good, growing. Sleeps better than Noah did... actually, some nights she sleeps better than Noah does now lol. I think he has my insomniac genes. Might have to get him some... crap, memory loss, word blank... what are those sleeping pills called again? Meh, you get the point lol.

My health, sigh, is still not quite right. I'm still in the risk zone for blah blah *insert doctor ramble here* and I'm still taking my bp meds. Stupid doctors lol. I have to wait a few weeks and then do the whole barrage of tests and craps again... the same stuff that we do after each pregnancy lol. When are they gonna realise just to give up? Heck. Like I said to a mate yesterday, sometimes I wish this brain tumor would just burst and get it over with. Not that I have a brain tumor lol, but maybe I should. At least that would explain both my health crap AND my occasional psychoticness. Stress, depression... pfft to those! Brain tumor ftw. Sigh. My bad. Apologies blah blah.

Hmm, where was I? Oh yeah, we bought Alana home and have been busy settling her in. Atm I'm trying to do a heap of spring cleaning before christmas hits, but its hard when I only get brief moments of time between all the kids (yes, ALL the kids, WK included) to get things done. For 3 days now all of the furniture has been moved away from walls and everything is picked up and piled up on everything else cos, dammit, I'm gonna clean the walls. I get a bit further in my preparation each day lol, maybe today I'll actually get to start cleaning them lol. I think it'll be 2008 before I'm finished... and I've already told the family that there will be no christmas until its done, no tree, no anything... so maybe I'll save some $$ this year lol.

Sigh. I remember - vaguely - when life was fun and interesting and about more than just cleaning house and changing nappies and breast feeding and driving kids here and there. Oh the memories. :P

Christmas huh. I wish we could afford to go away. Actually, I want to move lol. Somewhere like Perth. That'd be good. I'm into escapism lol. *hands WK job ads for Tasmania and WA and Timbuktu*

On a positive note, Noah's getting some really cool presents this year, including a train set and a big ride-on thomas the tank engine car type of thing. He's gonna literally wee himself with excitement me thinks. I'm still hoping to get the kids a computer (amongst other stuff lol), but not sure hows that coming along. But tbh thats sorta a present for me as well cos it'll get them off my damn computer lol. Woot! And I won't have to put up with my daughter standing over my shoulder every time I do get a chance to sit at the pc... yep she just stands there and "waits". Sigh.

I guess I gtg. Alana's awake and whingey, Noahs trying to pick her up and getting distressed cos I said no... and now he's on WK's computer chair destroying everything on his desk lol. And meanwhile the walls are waiting for me, sigh. I wish I had WK's sleep ability. Just snore and fart and sleep through every sound - fire alarms included - until you've had your sleep quota and you're all refreshed. Sigh.

Fark, in the time it took me to type that paragraph Noah has made the biggest mess lol. More sighs.

I'll make an effort to take a new photo of Alana and post one up here just for you Disso... lol. I'll try anyway - its hard work walking all the way to the car to get the camera, and then recharging the batteries, and then finding time to take a photo and upload it and post it here... see, hard work! :D

meh

Ok so I've been to sunny - very sunny - central queensland and back. Did I mention the "very sunny" bit? Heck it was hot and dry. No earthquakes tho.

Sooo many funny things happened on the way there, the way back, while I was there... *points to Craigsy*... but as per usual I can't quite remember all those great blog ideas now I'm sitting in front of the pc. Sigh.

What I can remember -

• Cows everywhere, namely the one poor sod of cow who had its head stuck out of the side of a cattle truck. As if it were a dog with his head stuck out of the window of a moving car lol. And not on the safe side of the road mind you, but the scary "omg another truck could come past and whack, instant bbq meat" side of the truck. Poor cow. I wanted to keep him.
• Dog hair.. yep, dog hair. Disso has these two beautiful big long haired dogs... and omg you've never seen so much dog hair in your life ever. Still... I'd like a dog lol. Just one a bit smaller and with a lot less hair. A lot less, lol.
  
• The hilariously funny and hilariously gay male flight attendant on the way home. Gosh he was funny... kept telling jokes and little stories and stuff. And then - long story - when we were stuck on the landed plane for an hour just 10metres from the damn terminal... he offered to do a cabaret style dance routine to entertain everyone. Lol. I wish he had... I was gonna video it on my phone lol. Anyhoo, it was one of those "you had to be there type of things" I guess.
• The Rocky hospital has a giant - huge, simple lettering, gigantic - sign that says Rockhampton Hospital at the top of the main building. What the? I'm still trying to work out whether the sign is designed to remind the locals where they are (cos lets face it - inbreeding) or to make sure the helicopters land at the right place (well, the pilots are probably locals too lol). And btw... Rocky's a small ish town and there's only one hospital. Its not like you could get confused. Heck, even the out-in-the-sticks hospital where Disso lives only has a little "normal" hospital sign. It seems as if the miners are smarter than the Rocky locals - and if you've ever met a coal miner, thats a truly amazing feat.
• It was sooo hot and dry one day that as we drove Craigsy around, we kept noticing hoses everywhere. Any stream of water was like some type of mirage'y thing. From kids playing with a hose in their front yard to people watering their driveways and curbs (yep, it seems these country people actually want their cement to grow, I guess they hate mowing)... it was one of those "can't look away" type of things. Argh, give us a hose! In fact, give us YOUR hose now!
  
• I slept sooo much. Like, 12 hours a day. I think I slept more in 3 days than I do in 2 weeks, seriously. And I had all these weird assed twisted dreams, many of which were set in the nearby mining town where I spent a portion of my childhood. I'd wake up and think, wow I should go visit... but, meh, cbf. The dreams were enough lol.
  
• I read a book, two books in fact, but this one book in particular was really good - Life Expectancy by Dean Koontz. I highly recommend it lol. I did cry a few times reading it, but mostly it was just damn well funny. On the book jacket it actually says "horror", but... no way lol. The ending was silly and way too cliche, but thats ok. I never remember the endings of movies/books/etc anyway lol. Give me a month and I'll be like, how did that book end again?
• It "rained" one afternoon, and all the townspeople were talking about the "rain". And I use quotations because this "rain" included about 15mins of wind, 1 thunder clap, no lightning, 3 clouds and about, hmm, 2minutes of spitting rain. Wow. Rain... lol. Shivers, when it rains at home it pours frickin cats and dogs for days on end. That reminds me, I so need to buy a dryer before this next baby arrives by stork... that is what happens, isn't it? Be damned if I'm doing the birth thing again.

*yawns* tired.

I took way too long to write this blog lol. Theres heaps of other stuff but, meh.

I know, I know

Yeah, I've been blog ignorant of late. But its not my fault. I blame, well, everyone and everything except me.

To recap -

• I am still wow addicted. I now have a 70 lock, 70 mage and a 40 priest. Oh, and I just made another character lol, a little lvl 5 rogue. For when I get bored.
  
• Speaking of World of Warcraft, our guild leader Strag made a not so exciting wow video (for a first attempt at a vid it's pretty good lol) and uploaded it to youtube - The Boxer-World of Warcraft
  I mention it here cos my succubus is in it lol. She's one of the whores in old town... so I'm semi famous. My warlock Lileek is even mentioned in the credits, woot!
  
• We're over the scary hump of 28 weeks with this pregnancy... oh and we had an ultrasound yesterday in which it appeared that blob either has 1. a vulva or 2. a really small scrotum and even smaller penis. Either or. It wasn't clear enough to be decisive lol. According to WK the baby has girly lips like Angelina Jolie, so maybe it is a girl. Fingers crossed. Either that or I had a secret affair with Angelina. Meh, anythings possible.
  
• Baby Noah is not really a baby anymore. He's walking and even attempting to run... altho the toddler thing... he falls if he tries to run lol. He says a host of words like mum and dad and laura and toot toot and blll for ball. Oh and Dadada in a singsong voice for Dorothy the dinosaur lol.
  
• WK hasn't divorced me... yet. I'm sure its coming one day lol. I don't think I'd like to live with me - living with my daughter (who's way too much like me) is bad enough. :P
  
• I'm heading up to visit Disso in good ol' sunny central qld soon ish. A holiday in the sticks. Oh well, its not like I can afford to go to Disneyland lol. I mean, Blackwater does have some sort of theme park doesn't it? No? A water park? No? A beach? No? A cool shopping centre? No? A cinema? No? Sigh. Damn, and I've already booked the flights.
  
• Noah still loves Thomas the Tank Engine and the Wiggles... and I'm sick sick SICK of both of them. The Thomas dvds are full of phrases like "if I promise to go slow and take care can I be Edward's back engine?" and "blow harder Percy" and "you wouldn't be laughing if you were stuck in the middle"... point is I can't keep a straight face lol. Yeah yeah, dirty mind and all that. But are the English REALLY that naive they don't notice the double meanings in the Thomas dialogue lol?
  

Speaking of naive and disneyland... I stumbled onto this pic on the Moth's blog. All I can say is "umm". I always knew there was something a little strange about Donald Duck lol.

you know you're gonna have a bad day when

... you find yourself crying at 8am while listening to a song ironically and yet appropriately titled Big Girls Don't Cry.

What the?

I guess I'm not a big girl then... which is sort of a good thing... isn't it?

Stupid emotions.

Homer: I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

I can't stop stumbling... constantly. Stumble stumble stumble.

I think I need help.

I've been sitting here in the one spot stumbling over and over again for about 5 hours.

Help?

Sigh.

http://www.stumbleupon.com

From jokes to silly pictures to satire websites to addictive little online games... I just can't seem to stop.

Bored... boredom... sigh. Should try sleep. Thats what most normal people do isn't it? Doesn't really fit me today lol.

I should have stayed asleep this morning. Such a nice dream... then... reality... argh.

poetry... pfft

Whats with the poetry obsession? I mean, sure art is good and personal expression of crap is good... take out the "of crap"... but, really, I'd rather listen to music or read a funny blog lol.

So here's my useful contribution to the online poetry fest ->

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,
(It will be drunk!)
At home and in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
For ever and ever,
Barmen.

(and yes I stole it... I cbf writing stupid poetry crap)

funny cos its sooo true...

I especially love the horse penis and number of people you allow to use your pc variables. Cos c'mon, show me a person who's surfed porn on the net and hasn't seen an animal penis of some sort and I'll show you a person who lies! Lies dammit!

sigh... the good, the bad and the ugly... what a stupid phrase anyway lol

Meh, I dunno. Stressful week and I feel all drained emotionally, physically, psychologically... every 'ally' there is lol.

From kids being sick to me being sick to, well, everything. I'd like to have just 24 hours to sleep and eat and breath and shower and just be a normal person instead of a constantly demanded-upon parent, wife, slave... why do women put up with this shit lol. *insert more woest me crap here*

I think I'm probably too anal, too perfectionist-ic if such a word exists. I feel cluttered on the inside when theres clutter on the outside, if that makes sense.

Rewind 5 years.... I used to have this nice little fake-idyllic world, with two kids who hadn't been influenced by the wider world too much yet and actually did things like make their beds and help each other (instead of bickering!), living in my own house with a moderate income, heading albeit slowly towards a financially secure future, with a lazy-assed husband who refused to do anything except whatever made him feel good (cos why would I do something I didn't want to do? um.. to help your family maybe?), with a huge social life and a bunch of friends (most of whom weren't close enough to know the truth about my marriage or my state of my mind), with the support of extended family (not all of whom chose to stay in my circle after I left my ex), with a job that drove me nuts some days but which I intrinsically enjoyed (and now cannot stand the thought of going back to)... so yeah, the good and the bad I guess.

Now... the kids have grown up and I only have them alternative weeks, so I'm not the main caregiver or influencer anymore. They bicker - most of which is brought on by my pre-teen daughter's me-me-me attitude lol (omg I'm soooo not looking forward to the teen years!). My son has become as lazy as his father... literally. Drives me nuts. Then there's the new baby who's 14mths now. Just starting to walk, cute... but very very demanding. He throws temper tantrums already! He reminds me of those strong willed dogs who even as puppies need a darn choker chain to teach them who's boss!! Then there's the new-new baby who hasn't been born yet... and all the stress that my sick pregnancy brings. Then there's the fact that we have no money and our unit is WAY too small for 4 people let alone 5. I only have 10 weeks ish to go and I haven't started preparing any baby stuff yet cos we simply have nowhere left to put his/her clothes, bed, "stuff".

We're renting so we're at the mercy of real estate agents, which sux. Our financial situation is going from worse to worse as we spend the savings to simply pay bills. *insert the word fuck and then the words I need a job not another baby here*

Oh and I forgot WK, the new husband... who's general laziness, computer obsession and inability to communicate in a positive way, compared to my anal-ness, my current illness and lack of energy and my inability to tolerate any from of verbal abuse (comes from having an abusive childhood) seems to be leading to arguments all too often. After already having one failed marriage I get extremely stressed at the thought that this might not work either. And I feel as if its all on my shoulders, my responsibility. I got so despondent this week that during an argument I asked if he thought he should move out for a little while so he could sort out what he wanted from life... if he wanted to be with us, with me, or not, rather than keep on fighting. And he just shrugged and said "whatever". I know in his family its considered ok to swear at people and put them down, to be overly critical, to be selfish and, in my opinion, "nasty" to family members, but I won't put up with that. And I know that I'm too over-bearing and too "cold and clinical" when it comes to solving marital problems (shit my ex used to yell at me to yell at him, instead of being all "miss psychology"). Not that any of this takes away from all those really good, really positive, really bonding moments we share. I could list all of those too I guess but I'm barely in the mood. But, yeah... this weird mixture of happiness and stress in our marriage and my constant fear that its not going to work out... its hard.

Then theres the friend issue... apart from my bud Laura whom I probably do hang with too much (ok ok I can admit it lol), my local friends don't really speak to me anymore. Its funny how people react to a relationship breakup, and its surprising just how many people didn't accept my relationship with WK simply because he's younger than me or because he's christian. Funny in a weird, I don't get it type of way. The rest of my REAL friends all live way too far away and I don't get to speak to them or hang with them as much as I would like to. More blah blah.

I think I'm just feeling really drained and down this week about everything. Part of me wishes I could just curl up in bed and let the world carry on around me lol. I guess thats the old depression hanging on that I've never really gotten out of my system.

Life is mostly good, mostly happy. I love WK and all of my kids - despite their demanding-ness, bickering and selfishness. And yet the depression lives on. Whats with that. Maybe its just that I expect perfection, maybe thats the problem. I expect the kids to do the right thing (perhaps not all the time, but most of the time would be good!), I expect Noah to do normal things for his age (like sleep dammit!), I expect my partner to not just love me but respect and support me as well (but that doesn't seem to be how it works), I expect to not have to struggle so much financially, I expected to be able to put my savings away until I was ready to buy a house again (sigh) ... and so on.

Which brings me back to me. *I* must be the problem. Life was good/bad... I fixed it, started again. Life was good... then the old good/bad came into play again. It follows me everywhere I go. Like I'm cursed or something lol. I shouldnt crap on and get all woest me cos it doesn't achieve anything.

I'm missing something... I think its my soul lol. If anyone sees it wandering around can they return it to me please?

current top 10 eeky things in the life of me

1. Noah seems to have discovered his manhood all of a sudden. The moment he's naked he stares at his willy like he's never seen it before. Plus he plays with it every chance he gets... its like he's obsessed! He doesn't even play with his toys anymore in the shower, just his "one" toy if you get my meaning lol. What the?

2. Noah is officially booby weaned, yay. Not that I'm gonna get much of a chance to regain "normal" boobs anytime soon... *mutters something about baby blob*... but heck at least I won't be leeched on for a while. Yay, personal space, yay.

3. Our unit is filled with boxes atm, cardboard boxes... we might be moving... damn boxes everywhere!! And not just moving down the street or even to the next suburb - we're considering moving towns. Eeky on its own, but when you add the fact that we'd be moving away from friends but closer to family... now THAT'S an eek!

4. I realised today - while looking at the calendar - that its August, which means its almost Sept... which means its, like, Christmas soon! Holy crap! I think this is what they mean by "christmas in July" lol. You suddenly realise you can't afford Christmas even tho its 5 months away and start to immediately and frantically search for bargains. :P

5. I saw the funniest sight the other day while shopping... remember the Flintstones? No joke, I saw an old woman sitting in a wheelchair, with her feet dangling onto the floor, shuffling the wheelchair along. I swear to god it was an official bedrock wheelchair, minus the stone wheels. Whats the point lol? I wanted to sing the yabadabadooo song Fred-and-Barney-style, but I somehow managed to restrain myself... but only just. Yeah yeah, I know I know... its one of those visual "you had to be there" kind of things but I don't care. Frick it was funny. :P

6....

Ahh fuck it, 5 will do. I'm tired. :P

eek

In 1987, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1987, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

pearls of wisdom

"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."


3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."


4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


5. You should not confuse your career with your life.


6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


7. Never lick a steak knife.


8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.


9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.


12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.


13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)


14. Your friends love you anyway.

oh yay, woot, go me, another fucking year older *rolls eyes*

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me...
cos if I don't fucking say it no one else will.

LOL

Meh. Over-rated.

am I the only one who's noticed lifes not like it is in the movies?

Ok, so unfortunately my birthday's coming up again. Whats with that. Its so frequent it feels like it comes around annually, sheesh.


So here's my birthday wish list:

• Peace - not world peace, just Noah peace. Little pest whinges, cries, screams, demands... like... at least 12 hours a day. At least! I know you don't have to like your children every moment of every day, but its starting to get ridiculous lol.
  
• Sleep - I don't even know what this word means anymore, but I'd still like some. :P
  
• Love - I always think back to my ex-inlaws marriage. Neither of them were perfect people but they shared this intense love and respect and it was never more obvious than at birthdays/christmas's etc. Not a single gift giving moment went by without Roy giving Jan a piece of jewellery (or something similar)... some singular act that was always presented in a romantic way in front of everyone... which had no purpose except to say I love you. It wasn't the jewellery that was the point, it was the way it was given. She was his princess, you know... and he always made her feel girly special, if that makes sense. Makes me sad. He passed away a couple of years ago. :(

I dunno, for me personally... I don't get the whole birthday thing. Its just a day lol, and it passes just like any other. I guess you get an excuse to eat cake, but thats about it. :P

I think the reason people get more depressed at christmas/birthdays is because they EXPECT it to be different. Expectations lead to disappointment, which leads to negative analysis of your life and your self, and hence... depression. So its an easy solution really - no expectation, no depression. Simple.

I was married/engaged to the one person for 15 years. 15 frickin years. And I received one actual gift in all that time lol. And no, boring practical things like "oh the iron doesn't work anymore, so we'll buy a new one and I'll wrap it and the kids will think they're giving me a present" doesn't count. He's since moved on to his new gf and gives her super cool presents at every turn, just like his father gave to his mother... like that beautiful watch... grrr. At least he learned something from our failed marriage. But dammit, maybe I wanted a watch lol!!!

So - the point is - if you don't expect people to treat you "special" on your birthday, then you don't get let down. I guess its something you learn as a kid when your family life is fked lol. Actually I apply the same logic to every interaction I have with my parents, so I know it works. :P

So here's hoping I'll be sick on my birthday and sleep for the whole 24 hours. I think its the only way I'm gonna get some of my wishes in lol. *fingers crossed*

life huh

As per usual...

• Noah is screaming cos he's not getting his own way. Shock.
• There is housework to do.. washing, vacumming (ooohh I bought a new vacuum cleaner lol, so cool, it actually works!), all the normal crap.
  
• I am sleep deprived, tired, impatient, moody... I've had 2 whole nights sleep in more than a year, its kinda draining lol.
• I have a headache and I feel ill... I swear to god I'm either 1. gonna find a permanent method of contraception or 2. I'm never having sex again. Pregnancy and me just don't mix.
• The Wiggles is on... "having fun at the beach, having fun at the beach"... I wish lol!
  
• I am broke and stressed about money, the future, everything.
• Its 10am and I still haven't had time to shower or get dressed... although I'm blogging aren't I lol. Hmm.
  
• My car is a mess, was due for a clean about 2 weeks ago lol. I don't know how people find the time to do everything - I guess they're not net addicted. :P
• I'm daydreaming about all the things I wish I could do, but stuck with all the things I don't want to be doing lol... like car cleaning!
• I'm daydreaming about all the people I wish I could go visit... but again... money, time, practicality. Sigh. *waves to Disso from here instead*

In other news... my meds are working consistently atm, so I'm foregoing the normal weekly hospital visits for 4 weeks. Yippee. I can see my GP instead for a month, yay. No parking issues, no hospital staff, no huge waiting time, no creepy physician (yep my physician is creepy lol, very touchy feely, eek). Of course I got the warning speech about "blah blah watch our for secondary signs cos the meds will mask the primary symptoms blah blah", but... woot! This baby sooo better be a girl, a nice quiet placid girl. Or I think I may officially go nuts.

OMG...

OMG...

I just found this site - http://www.babyhopes.com/how-to-conceive-a-girl.html

How to conceive a girl... fkkkk its too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frequency and Timing of Intercourse:

Shettles says in order to increase the chances of having a girl, you should have sex every day from the end of your period up to 2 1/2 to 3 days before ovulation. After this point, do not have unprotected sex until several days past ovulation. (hmm, I can't remember back to the conception dammit)
Intercourse further away from ovulation favors the larger slower moving X (girl) sperm. The weaker Y (boy) sperm will die more quickly in the more acidic preovulatory vaginal / cervical secretions and by the time of ovulation there will be a much larger concentration of X (girl) sperm available to fertilize the egg. (so boy sperm is weaker huh... that'd be right!)

Sexual Position:

Shettles suggests that if you are trying to conceive a girl, shallow penetration from your partner, preferably with the missionary position, will deposit the sperm closer to the entrance to the vagina. This area is more acidic than closer to the cervix and acidity will work against the weaker "boy" sperm leaving more "girl" sperm available to fertilize your egg. (umm, ok... am I the only one who finds this eeky?)

Sex and Orgasms:

When trying to conceive a girl, Shettles recommends that you don't orgasm during sex as the body produces substances after orgasm that makes the vaginal environment more alkaline, which favors the "boy" sperm. (what the fk!!!!!!!!! I bet Shettles is a guy!!!)
The contractions which accompany an orgasm help move the sperm up and into the cervix, giving the "boy" sperm an extra chance at being available when your egg is available for fertilization.

Sigh.

Makes me wonder what type of people are THAT gender obsessed that they'd go to this much trouble to try to slightly increase the chance they'd get a girl... or a boy I guess.

I mean, boys... can... be... ok... ish...

Although... if blob's a boy I'm gonna dress him in pink and grow his hair long and put it up in ribbons and call him something like Lily anyway. I've already bought a few pink girly things lol, to kickstart the process. :D

a... mik

Mika's a funny funny songwriter. Here's just a snippet of the bits that make me almost pmsl -

Oh Billy Brown had lived an ordinary life.
Two kids, a dog, and a cautionary wife.
While it was all going according to plan
Then Billy Brown fell in love with another man.
And its the slow, nice, love song melody that makes it even funnier... poor Billy Brown. And poor Billy Brown's wife!

Sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
I don't get it! Message: suck on a lollipop so that love doesn't get you down? Heck. *runs out to buy lollipops*

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
Ive gone identity mad!
Hehe. Like that song.

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said "Hey girl, you are beautiful."
Diet Coke and a pizza please
Diet Coke I'm on my knees
Screaming, "Big girl, you are beautiful!"
You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman needs a whole lot more
Lol. If WK sings this song to me one more time I'm gonna whack him over the head with my big shovel and bury his big ass in a big hole, grr.

My mate Johnny's a looker
His habit is a one night stand
he would walk the streets in the usual way
Oh, what a pretty man
My mate Johnny was a lover
He fell for the girl next door
she said Johnny I can't be with you
You're pretty but you're also a bore
Finding love was not so easy
Cause people thought that he was too peculiar
So what was left for poor old Johnny
At least he found out that Jesus loves ya
Holy
Well he once was a whore
Now hes a priest at 24
'Cause he's holy
And he wanted the most
Now he's left with Holy Ghost
I prayed for johnny but now johnny prays for me
I prayed for johnny but now johnny prays for me
Holy Johnny... lol.

Sigh. I'm music obsessed. Is there a cure for having an obsessive personality? I get obsessive about everything lol. Even people sometimes. Damn people. Life would be better if there were no people in it... although I'm not sure how that'd work.
In a perfect, ideal world... eek. What a thought. For starters I'd have a nanny and a maid lol. And money.
The people around me would love me and value me and protect me... hmm. A posse of "Joey's a legend" people would be nice. Although that might get boring after a while I guess.
Oh I know what else - I'd have my body back. And my boobs. That'd be good lol.
Oh, and I'd have access to a time machine, so everytime I made a mistake I could go back and correct it lol. Sigh.
I know, I know, I'm being all superficial and self-absorbed but I'm daydreaming about MY perfect world lol, so nick off.

rolling down the sandhills... running up the sandhills... rolling down the sandhills... my god will they just make up their minds!

What is with the Wiggles. Seriously.

They act stupid on stage, their music is sooo cliche its not funny, they try to stir up the audience (note: the audience of VERY YOUNG CHILDREN) with Americanised, overly patriotic "helllloooo sydddney" type of onstage hype, they mispronounce common words like "ballet" and "baton" all the damn time, and most of the time their supporting cast of singers, musicians, dancers and, yep even the dressup animals, seem to have more talent and on-stage presence than the Wiggles themselves.

And - come on - a rose loving green dinosaur with yellow spots who does ballet? A naughty pirate who makes Captn Jack look sane? A boring brown dog who really does nothing at all? A purple octopus who wears a tie and hat and somehow manages to survive on land? A purple wiggle who 1. gets lost all the time and 2. falls asleep on the spot as if he has some sort of disorder? A yellow wiggle who seems to have had a full personality/body/face lift, as well as a name change from Greg to Sam? A red wiggle who looks more like a skinny crim on crack than an entertainer? And the blue wiggle - Anthony - who grins at the kids and talks in the most annoying over the top voice I think I've ever heard?

COME ON!

Yeah yeah, I could always not buy/burn the dvds for Noah, but... still... he likes it lol. A lot!

Do I have a point? NO! But when you've listened to the same "everyone's waving to Dorothy" dvd for about 5 hours straight, you start to really really really really dislike not just the Wiggles but the colours yellow, blue, red and purple in general.

Perhaps I need to get him a second dvd for my own sanity lol, altho then I'd have two different wiggles shows in my head. Arrgh. There's no escape!

quotes of the day...

"why can't you just be a normal woman and stop wanting sex after you get married?"
... umm... no

"they're not just trackpants, they're warm winter pants... surely that means I can wear them in public"
... umm... no

"oh so when you say 'whatever, its your choice' you actually mean 'I'll give you a choice but only cos I know you'll do what I want, and if you don't do what I want, then I'll just negate the your choice bit and tell you what to do anyway, either way its my decision not yours'."
... umm... yes

"whats worse, me farting in your car or me getting bowel cancer *insert my silence here* oh great you'd rather me get cancer??"
... umm... maybe... depends.... probably

"so what are you thinking about right now... oh it better not be wow!"
... umm... no comment :P

Hey Disso...

... remember this phone convo lol. I found a heap of old blogs today that I'd saved as doc files. From the 2005/2006 era lol.

"Depression is a thinking person's disease. Dumb people don't think and therefore don't self-analyse enough to get depressed."

"Wish I was dumber then."

I spent ages re-reading them all - laughing a lot, crying a bit lol. You know how it goes. So many memories and stuff... I tried to find an old blog to re-post here as a "damn I wish msn didn't delete my old space" complaint thingy, but it was impossible to find the "right" one lol. They were all too steeped in the "then" lol.

But this phone convo... where we came out with all sorts of great one (and not quite one) liners about depression and psychiatrists and stuff... fuck it was funny.

Sigh.

So here's an oldie from May last year then - (I was very, very pregnant at that point lol)

*insert vagueness here*

Despite the fact that I'm a highly intelligent and sensitive being (*cough*), I can't think of a better word to describe my current state of existence than the word VAGUE. I am vague. In fact, I've been so darn vague lately that its not funny.

Vague... indecisive... not "with it"... using words like "thingy" and "thingamajig"... forgetful... or in other words... just plain stupid. :S

VAGUE... defined by urbandictionary.com as... A derogatory adjective used to describe one who is regularly unaware of his/her surroundings, situation etc. often appearing as comical to those bearing witness to such antics.

"Unaware of my surroundings"? Uh huh. Like driving along in a state of blissful ignorance, completely unaware of where you are or where you're going... and add to that the inability to see/pay attention to important things like traffic lights and stop signs and, hello... other cars! Am I the only one with red neon Danger signs flashing in my head right now lol?

"Comical" huh? Grrr. Besides... drive with me and you might not find my vagueness so comical. :P

Here's just a few of the stupid is as stupid does things I've done in the past few days ->

• I had an itch I had to scratch. Sounds normal doesn't it. You itch, you automatically scratch, without thinking about it. The only problem was that I had WK's PSP in my hands at the time cos I was playing a game. I literally dropped it to scratch myself. I just let it go lol. Eek. It was like my body forgot I was holding it or something.
  
• A day or two later I’m parked at traffic lights with my indicator on, ready to turn left. The lights go green… I somehow drive straight ahead while pointing vaguely at the left turn (indicator still on) and saying out loud, “I’m spose to go that way…” I knew I was turning left, I was ready to turn left… and for some unknown reason I drove straight ahead. Another eek.
  
• And now look... I can't even friggin remember the other stupid stuff I've done. Oh well... further proof of my idiotic vagueness I guess.

Disso and I also had a rather long and random phone convo the other night/early morning. I just thought I’d share some of our oh-so-important theorizing with the world, since we’re such great thinkers and all…

Decipher them if you want to, but its basically one of those "you had to be there" type of things. Excuse the swearing if its bugs you. :D

Dumb fucks don't get it... mental illness I mean.
In fact, dumb fucks are happy fucks. It’s impossible for a dumb fuck to be mentally ill cos that’s where sanity comes from – stupidity.
Depression is a thinking person's disease. Dumb people don't think and therefore don't get depressed.
Why can't I have a REAL mental illness? One with delusions and hallucinations and all the fun stuff.
What do pyschiatrists know anyway? They're just people with an education after all.

LOL

*yawns*

Holy fruck I'm tired today. Pretty much no sleep at all last night, and hardly any the night before. The baby's been really sick, all of which escalated last night and led to an emergency dash to the hospital in the middle of the night.

The nighttime staff saw a screaming, uncontrollable, difficult, tantrum-throwing little shit who wouldn't let them take his temperature or feel his stomach or basically even look at him sideways.

Then some smart doctor suggested we don't give him any milk... it seems that babies can develop secondary infections in the gut when they have the measles, and its the heavy milk that is most upsetting for them... so 4 milkless hours later.... the daytime staff saw a nice happy responsive little boy who smiled and giggled during examination. I'm sure they were secretly thinking that perhaps the nightstaff need to work on their bed manner or something lol. Talk about Jekyl and Hyde. Shivers.

So we're home again... and for those who need to know there's only been one diahhrea (how the fk do you actually spell that word?) since mid-morning. And trust me, thats a big yay. No screaming in pain either. Another yay.

Heck, right now the little drama queen is in the shower with his brother, giggling and laughing. While WK sleeps. And I feel like death. Whats with that.

In other news... I'm annoyed too. The holidays are officially over today/this weekend, and I didn't get to do half the stuff I wanted/planned on doing. Another 'whats with that' moment.

The official "didn't get to do it, damn" list:

• take the kids to the movies to see Transformers, or to the beach for fish and chips... or basically anyway holiday-ish lol
• have our "pretend honeymoon" day (grr, I need that atm)
• have my peaceful weekend, my alone time... WK was gonna take Noah to Bris Vegas for the wkend to stay at his dad's house. Can you imagine the relaxation time I'd get? The peace? I'm drooling just thinking about sleeping in lol.
• drive up to visit my mother in Bundy and pick up our damn second carseat... long story lol... so frustrating without it!
• go to the beach by myself... sit on the dunes, relax, think, sleep... lol. If only.
• catch up on the housework (and car cleaning!) after the wedding and Noah's measles etc *pulls a face*
• sort thru the wedding photos, get Laura's dress drycleaned... a heap of post-wedding stuff lol
• catch up with the Moth today or something before the hols finish and he and his family head home from their refresher "yay i'm back in civilisation" holiday... and not just so I can get the dvd he "owes" me (I'm not that self-absorbed... I swear... I also wanted to make fun of his "aww maybe I'm not an athiest after all" turn around LOL)

Sigh. I really wish I was a superhero sometimes... or a villian... same thing really. I wish I had this awesome power where I could halt time around me. Like when you're sitting on the beach relaxing, or enjoying catching up with a friend. Halt time for a while. Maybe then I would have managed to get through at least some of the things on my "wish I did" list.

Hmm, maybe its cos I haven't had sex in a while or something but... the whole power to halt time thing... I'm having interesting visuals of "sex in public" scenarios. I'm a bad, bad person lol. With an active imagination. Wheres that msn angel emote when you need it?

ffs

Was I a really bad person in a former life? Or do I just have bad karma lol?

It turns out Noah's been sick and whingey the last 4 or 5 days cos the little pest has got the damn freaking MEASLES!

What the? Spots started appearing yesterday and then this morning he was covered. Grrr.

I think he's a drama queen lol - one thing after another. He's only just 1 and he's already had stitches, antibiotics, middle of the night ambulance visit, viruses... and now the measles! Must be in the genes lol. *points to WK*

So the whole "relaxing" day thing is off. Sigh. At home looking after whingey poo bum instead... and yes I mean Noah lol. The other whingey poo bum can look after himself for a change. :p

i think i'm too tired to blog

... so I'm gonna make this short and sweet.

Two blogworthy points:

1. today sucked. stressful. hospital visit... saw the physician who looks after me and my health as opposed to the obstetrician who's in charge of the fetus. not pleasant - what with the serious discussion and all lol. long story involving the fact that I think I'm allergic to pregnancy lol. or maybe I'm just allergic to children, hehe. *fingers crossed for little Blobby* yes I realise we need to plan for all types of outcomes, yes I realise this is a high risk pregnancy, and yes I realise the "no more babies" thing lol. but seriously, we're 16 weeks already and things aren't going that badly! Blob's still here and I'm still breathing ffs!

... and cos today was so sucky...

2. we're gonna do the whole fun newlyweds "pretend we're on a honeymoon" thing tomorrow and forget about all the stress of uni and money and blob and, well, everything. go out for breakfast... go for a walk on the beach... hopefully catch a daytime movie... spend money we dont have lol. yay. Noah better damn well behave or it'll be all grrr'y. :P

See? I'm too tired to even use capital letters or punctuation lol.

Meh, whatever.

*hyperventilates* I saw the R rating, and for a sec I thought "oh fk they're gonna delete me like msn did to my first blog"... but, phew...

LOL. Stay away kiddies!

Hmm... I need to make this blog worse. An R rating is not bad enough when you compare it to Moth's NC-17 (no one under 17 allowed) rating for his anti-christian whinging "yes we were sheep, but thank the lord we got out... oops, not the lord... thank someone else instead... oh gosh I don't know who to thank now, what do I do?" blog.

So I guess I'll have to add more swear words.
Here goes... just the basics...

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
shit shit shit shit shit shit
ass ass ass ass ass ass
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
hell hell hell hell hell hell
bastard bastard bastard bastard
piss piss piss piss piss piss
dick dick dick dick dick dick
tit tit tit tit tit tit

Arrgh what have I missed?

*roars*

Ok ok... all that Craigsy gaybo gbf astrological crap last weekend (long story lol) got me thinking about what it means to be a Leo. Cos, yeah, I'm not into astrology but its scary just how stereotypically Leo I am.

This info comes from a variety of net sources - I've lost track lol.

Positive traits: Loyal and honest, expansive, generous and caring, house proud, lively, flamboyant, self sacrificing, responsible, takes others at face value, dignified and friendly.
Negative traits: Too much pride, sulky, smug and boastful, likes to keep up appearances, obstinate, arrogant, willful and cold hearted when hurt or upset.

Greatest Strength: Your playful and loving nature
Possible Weakness: Pride/ego

Hmm, yes, so far thats basically all true. Arrogant, obstinate, willful, cold hearted - man I sound nasty lol.

Interesting...
From, I dunno, some website
Leo's are born fortunate (wtf? have you not seen my family?).
Charismatic and positive-thinking they attract not only an abundance of friends and opportunities, but manage to survive life's stormy times with style and good humour (no comment lol).
Once a Lion is committed to a relationship, they are totally devoted and faithful. Should their heart or trust be broken they never forgive or forget (yep, I call it "holding a grudge" :P).
When a relationship breaks down they can disappear into the sunset without a backward look. (omg... its like they're talking about my first marriage lol)
Leos can cut ties, and leave others heartbroken, but usually there is a good reason why they have broken a tryst. For a Leo, when a relationship is over, really over, it is over for good.
(And this is where it gets really interesting ->)
There are three levels of soul-evolution of the Leos:
1. The highest is represented by the Sphinx; wise beyond their years and great teachers to others.
2. The second is the Lion, King of the Jungle, ruled by ego but always protective and sustaining of those they love.
3. The last is the Lion Cub, immature and undeveloped, frightened by anything new. These Leos cling to others (in the mode of the child not wanting to leave its mother's side).) They can't bear to be alone.
No matter what level they have attained, all Leos are trendsetters, leaders and adventurers. Their weakness is their pride. This is one sign where the saying "flattery will get you everything" applies, but be warned criticism will slam the relationship door right in your face (lol, too true!).

So I have an evolving soul huh? Hmm.
I guess I'm not a Sphynx cos I aint that wise lol. Plus "sphynx" refers to the waxing of the ass. So I wouldn't want to be that anyway - sheesh.
I guess I'm not a Lion Cub either cos I'm certainly not a frightened little mummy's boy... or girl... whatever.
So that leaves the Lion I guess. Ego... protective of loved ones... yep, yep. Sigh. How boring.
Give me something I don't know dammit!

So I'm a lion then. *roars quietly cos its still early*

I have no idea where Disso got this from, but...

This post-it is cute in a bad way lol, and it sorta matches my whole fat-pregnancy-depressed state from earlier in the week.

I, however, would never call myself beautiful, fine or interesting. I may have a Leo's ego but I'm much more realistic than that lol.

And I sure as *insert F word here* would never ever ever say that I am "someone of sound mind". LOL. Never!!

Still... I like this post-it. Meh, whatever.

so self aware, so full of shit

Bad me...

Phew. I know its bad but... I saw a woman who's ass was literally three times the width of her shoulders tonight. Maybe four times. She gave new meaning to the phrase "all ass". Not that I've heard that phrase before, but meh.

And apart from the fact that she had to walk sideways in between chairs in the restaurant... more bad me... she seemed happily married, two young kids and a normal-assed husband. Please someone stop me lol before I get struck down by lightning.

I'm really not trying to be nasty. I just... it makes me realise I'm not that bad after all lol.

I guess I'm just depressed and frustrated by this whole fat pregnancy thing. Or as WK calls it, the extra squidgy pregnancy bits (GRRRRRRRR). I know its stupid, I know weight doesn't matter blah blah... but fuck it. I am shallow. I'm not a fat person lol. I don't get the whole yuk fat thing. I feel as if I'm wearing a padded 5kg suit and the real me is underneath it lol. If only!

WK and I have made an agreement - cos he puts on weight with me during the pregnancy lol - to go nuts on the whole diet/exercise thing after Baby Blob gets born (what can I say, I crave things like kfc and he eats what I eat :P) . It stresses me to be so... eeky. Can't stand the mirror, can't even stand to look at my dragonfly tatt lol. Cos it looks all... wrong. My poor dragonfly lol. *cries*

My non-out of shape dragonfly on my non-preg body... sigh.
Took forever to find this photo lol.

Speaking of Blob...

I had an ultrasound the other day - but no, still don't know the gender yet. Little Blob was staring directly at the "camera", all sweet and still. Perfect shot of head/torso and all arms and legs.

And just as I thought "awww, maybe I'm not totally anti-maternal after all", for no reason at all, Blob threw this major tanty. Arms and legs flailing in time with each other. What the? Not another one lol. Tantrums and its still in utero? Eek.

Doesn't look like much of a blob anymore either lol. More of a demonic skeletal type of thing these days. But, meh, I like the name Blob.

Did someone mention tatts?

I think I need a new one lol. Gonna start planning it now, so that by the time Blob is out and about I'll be all set to go. Yay, a new tatt for christmas!

About time! Any suggestions? What and where? Something cool but still girly.

Oi... WK, Looloo, Disso (get something Guild Wars-y and Shane'd love it lol), Moth... someone needs to come get tatt'd with me at the end of the year. Get planning! No pikers!

Slavery...

Slavery should sooo be legal. I'm sitting here too lazy to wee, too lazy to get a drink, too lazy to go to bed, too lazy to watch a movie, too lazy to basically do anything cept sit here and stare at the monitor. I'm cold too.

I need someone to do my bidding for me. The kids are still too young for real slavery, and besides, they're all asleep dammit. Whats with that. When they're old enough I'm gonna give them maids/butlers uniforms for christmas (hehe).

I tried to fool 11 yr old Laura into getting me dessert tonight, but even that didn't work. She somehow managed to outsmart me. Sigh.

Yes, I need a slave. A real slave. I'd have to be a guy though, cos otherwise WK'd be forever ogling her. I can imagine it already lol. *daydreams about the perfect slave* Or should that be *nightdreams* since its night time?

Yes, I need a slave. Any takers? Pay's shite (nonexistent actually) but it beats a crap job.

if i was a dog chasing cars all day i think i'd be a mutt... anything but a poodle :p

"Chasing Cars"...

Maybe its me but I don't understand the chasing cars analogy.

Like, what the?
I like the melody of this song, I like this song.

Well, for a silly girly lovey song that is lol.
I'll try not to bastardise it with stupid sarcastic comments

too much - well, I'll try lol. :P
I need to point out, though, that as nice as lying with the person

you love and shutting the rest of the world out is...

there's still the issue of sex.

I can imagine lying in bed, with this song playing, fulfilling the

dream, and then on comes Tenacious D's Fuck Her Gently.

You get the point.
"awww this is nice, lying together, peaceful"
*music changes*
Need I say more? lol

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

("Are" said too much... huh?)

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

(see - whats that mean?)

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

*insert repeated verses here*

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

(my fav verse, sigh)

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Thank goodness this song is mainstream radio crap.

I wouldn't want to be classified as emo lol. Eek!

cutesy ->

I still can't believe the little pest is a year old already. Eek!

I'm not sure what the point of this face is...

or the pants on the head lol. Little toad.

oops... lovey crap

I forgot to mention earlier, in the previous blog, about my vow problems (thats v-o-w not b-o-w-e-l btw).

I had written a first draft ages ago, and left it stored on my pc. So... turns out I completely forgot to print it out and take it with me when I packed and left the house, heading out for my 24 hours of fun friend stuff/avoid husband to be stuff. So I figured, what the heck, no big deal, I'll just write new vows. Shouldn't be that hard huh?

Cept I never did. I couldn't decide what to say and I was either hanging with friends or too tired or sleeping or whatever to sit down and try to write something. Turns out it WAS too hard lol.

So 4pm comes around - half an hour to go till the big W - and I still have no idea what to say. I, like, have no vows! I'm fully stressing out. We leave the hotel... and I'm asking everyone around me for some vow advice... eek! We get to the Point and there's everyone waiting... AND STILL I HAVE NO FRICKIN VOWS!

I said a quick hello to everyone, including Luke lol... and then immediately said to the pastor marrying us, "shit Jason I have no vows". I think he actually breathed a sigh of relief lol. Turns out he was really worried about what non-traditional stuff Luke and I might say. LOL. So he just added to the baptist vows we already "had" to say. Talk about a PHEW moment!

Anyhoo, Luke's first vow draft is actually left as a comment (sorta) on the previous previous blog lol. Yep, two previous's. He also did a speech that included what he wanted to say in his vows after the wedding dinner... so I figure wtf. Might as well blog what should have been my vows lol. So here it is:


Luke… I love you with everything I have to give. You are my love, my life, my world, and I thank you for being by my side as we raise our family.

I might occasionally use words like man-boy or geek-boy to describe you, but truth is that without you I would be lost. When you hold me, it’s as if the world stops and time ceases to be. I’ll be stressing out about something and you’ll just walk up and hug me, and suddenly everything is ok. You are the yin to my yang so to speak, and I feel so very blessed to be given the opportunity to share my life with you.

So.. on to the formal bit… I take you, Luke Cross, to be my friend, my lover, my husband. To live with you, and laugh with you. To stand by your side, and sleep in your arms. I give you my hand, I give you my love, and I give you myself.


And btw... you give it back Luke... and by "it" I mean my hand/love/self... and I breaka your legs. And breaking your legs includes slicing off your manhood. Just so you know. No threats or anything (man I don't know why the pastor was so worried about what I might say lol)...

its a love/hate thing

Wow what a weekend. I wish some parts went slower and other parts faster lol.

Here's the rundown:

• Friday -
  Yay, time with my best buds who I don't get to see much. Cept Looloo, I see her a lot lol. Hung out, got nails done, chatted about inane stuff, chatted about important stuff, had a few drinks, ate great food... and consequently went to bed way too late. Enjoyed it though.


• Saturday -
  Soooo hard to get out of bed in the morning. I actually thought about postponing the wedding for 24 hours so I could catch up on sleep lol. Not seriously... but, well, you know. I was tired and wanted to lie in bed all day. One of those "wish time would stop for a while" moments. Noah, on the other hand, was wide awake and crawling all over me from sunrise onwards. Grr.
  Conscripted the Mothman to go do jobs for me by loaning him my car - phew. Cos I didn't have enough hours in the day to do everything lol. Thanks!
  Pick up kids, pick up cake, get hair done etc, all that "mutton dressed as lamb" wedding stuff... man I looked like a clown. :S
  Pick up more kids, drop off cake, and its back to the hotel to prepare food, set up the balcony, ice the drinks... oh and actually get dressed.
  Noah, of course, decided he needed feeding at precisely the time I needed to leave for the wedding, so, yup, I was late. Oops.


• The wedding ceremony -
  Beautiful time of day, sunset. At the top of the boardwalk, the point, on a cliff, overlooking the beach... blah blah. I was sooo very nervous. I can't even put the level of my nerves into words. I was all eeky lol.
  Check out some of the pics below. But ignore my fetal gut. Why oh why do all the photos we've seen so far ALL contain my giant stomach! Whats with that! I hate photos at the best of time cos I always look stupid in them. I'm either smiling too much or not enough, or maybe I blinked just as the camera went off, or maybe... meh, trust me, I hate photos. I look stupid in 2D. Point is - I'm all *shudders* in every damn wedding photo. What is wrong with you people! Sigh. I am never (I repeat, never!) allowing photos of me to be taken ever, EVER again.

• The fun wedding bits -
  We all went back to the hotel balcony (hhuuuugeee balcony!) for drinks and nibblies and stuff. In fact we were there so long that I had to ring the surf club and tell them we were going to be 40 mins late for the dinner lol.
  But, meh, there were drinks and chats to be had! (and omg you should have seen the mess in the morning!)
  Then it was off to the Surf Club for dinner and a speech or two and the *drools* yummy cake. And of course... more chatting, more drinking, a dance or two... heck, even some pokie playing by the drunkards amongst us.
  
• Retrospectively -
  I think most people appreciated the relaxed atmosphere of the ceremony and the celebrations afterwards... altho I know some family members weren't impressed lol. I felt most sorry for my grandparents, who really shouldnt have had to walk all over the place or wait so long for their dinner etc. But I did try to look after them.
  A couple of my close friends sat at the kids tables too, so it was hard for them to mingle etc. I don't think they enjoyed themselves much either. :(
  But, yeah, I hope most people thought it was a nice wedding. We wanted it be relaxed and easy going - no traditional pompous crap. I hate crap lol. I just hope it didn't come just across as totally unorganised, eek.
  Food was great (thanks to Looloo and her mum and Kate - you guys are legends!), there were heaps of drinks to be had (woot!). What more could one ask for lol?
  Luke's asked me not to bitch, but I dunno, can't help it. A heap of family members left early, part way through the pre-dinner celebrations at the hotel... thats before we even got to the surf club lol. Makes me feel sad for Luke as well as personally offended. I don't get that - some people just have different priorities I guess. Family first doesn't always apply (oh I just realised thats a Dr Phil quote lol - how sad!)
  
• All in all... and I'm not really bitching, I'm just reflecting on the good and the bad...
  It was a no-stress, relaxed celebration with our closest friends and family. I had a good time (even tho Noah was painful here and there), Luke had a good time... and I hope most people enjoyed themselves. We really appreciate the efforts made by everyone to come and spend this time with us, especially those who travelled long distances. We had guests fly and drive to the coast from as far away as Sydney and Mackay and, eek, even Central Qld!!
  
• Today -
  Its weird but I'm having a sad day today. Keep thinking about things that happened over the weekend, things that were said, the things I should have said and didn't... I keep replaying stuff over in my head, like its a movie and I'm re-watching my favourite scenes lol. Heck, in some scenes I'm even the director lol, changing things, doing things differently. I think they call that daydreaming lol.
  I think I'm most sad that the weekends over, and that we're home already, back to normal life. Sigh.

Like I said before... wow what a weekend.

sigh

Tired. Really tired. But brain won't turn off. So many things to do. I shouldn't have turned my computer on lol.

I need to write a list, maybe I'll feel more "in control" if I have a silly handwritten piece of paper which I can carry with me everywhere during the next few days. So I don't forget anything. Or miss anything. Or forget to miss anything. Or whatever.

An itinerary. Thats what I need. Yes. Will do that now. Then back to bed.

Short sentences. Somewhat intriguing. Weird, unusual... but mainly just weird.

Now wheres the damn normal paper and pen instead of this monitor and keyboard business?

ramble ramble ramble... don't think, don't edit... just ramble

So I've been slightly busy in the last week or so. Things to do, places to go, people to see.

Noah had his first birthday this week, which was fun. Hard to believe the little pest is a year old already. On the one hand it seems like only yesterday I was pregnant, yet on the other hand I can't remember life without him... or more specifically, a life without sleep deprivation.

I vaguely recall going to bed whenever you felt like it and sleeping till you woke up. I vaguely recall lying in bed and watching movies all weekend when its pouring rain. I vaguely recall trips to the cinema, and going out for dinner without a stressful "omg lets just go home" ordeal. I vaguely recall nights out to play sport with the girlies, or heck, just nights out with friends in general. I vaguely recall daytime cappucinos and lattes and relaxing shopping expeditions at the plaza. I vaguely recall the ability to be impulsive lol.

I mean, I still do some of these things... but with a little whingey tagalong in his pram with his nappy bag and spare clothes and all that official baby crap. Sigh.

He loved his Thomas trains, and his Thomas cake. OMG did he love the cake lol. He seems to love anything with wheels, and Thomas the Tank Engine in particular - I guess its cos Thomas has that stupid big train face lol. Noah also - unfortunately - likes the Wiggles. I think we should invest in more than 1 dvd tho cos I'm sick to GRRR of the same music and sound effects and dialogue over and over and over and over again. Damn the Wiggles! Damn them I say!

Actually, the little pest goes to his first ever day at day care tomorrow... eek. It'll only be for a couple of hours, and I don't feel bad or guilty lol. Thursday's my doctor/hospital day so it means I don't have to put him in and out the car and drag him around to all the damn doctors. So thats cool. And of course, every 2nd Thursday, when I don't have doc appointments... well, I might try out a few of those vague "latte and shopping" type of memories. Or I might catch up on some sleep lol.

So what else is there? Um...

Still busy with wedding organisational type of stuff. Hope to get the last few things done tomorrow if I'm nice and quick at the hospital.

Speaking of bottleshops (or should I say thinking of bottleshops)... it sux that I can't drink at the wedding. Grr. Going out with the girly friends for dinner soon tho, might indulge in a light beer or something then. Fortunately for everyone else, at least we have a designated driver - ME! Fair not! It's really strange how much I crave things like beer and champagne (I mean, I don't even drink champers!) when I'm pregnant. That sooo can't be a good thing. :P

Hey - question - "girly friends". If a guy is gay is he classified as guy or girl when you're in a group? Cos I'm thinking "girly". Yes he might have a penis, but its like... a fake one. He's not actually a guy guy. He might as well be a girl... know what I mean? Point is, I am happy to have gay guys tag along on girly nights cos, well... they're big girls. =D

Ironically, I also classify lezbo girls as girls, lol. I guess I define "girly friends" as:

• girls... of course... regardless of dykedom vs heterodom (us XX chromosome's have to stick together after all!)
• gay guys... basically any non-threatening, non-male-y guy I guess (cept how often do you ever seen a non-maley straight guy lol - they might "pretend" to be all snaggy but we know the truth!)

So, basically, a girly friend is any friend who isn't a male-y hetero guy. Hmm. It's sort of an exclusionary definition I guess. Also excludes all variation of husband, boyfriend, partner. Gay boyfriends yes, real husbands no... lol'ing at Disso (yeah yeah, private joke).

So where was I before I got sidetracked? Um... yeah... alcohol. *dreams*